The Look Back

It's a little late because I work Sundays and I just HAD to share my excitement about cooking, but better late than never right?

Sometimes I don't think I'm ready for parenthood because I still act like a child myself. A perfect weekend for me would consist of watching at least one Disney movie and maybe a cartoon show or two. I love playing board games, and eating snacks like Mac and Cheese.

I often get nostalgic about the days when my sister and I would play with our Barbie dolls, dress them up and cut their hair. We even teased our little brother once and pulled off all of the heads on his power ranger action figured and switched them with the other super hero heads. It was mean, but it was fun.

One summer we got creative and turned our sleeping bags into sleds and drove them down the staircase. Karaoke and dress-up were commonly on our to-do-list. We loved to play! But you know what?--I still do.

It's a lot easier to entertain myself with the Internet at my hands, but I miss the good 'ol days of laughing at childish movies, and watching them over and over a million times.

I got a taste of this a couple of weeks ago. I watched Tarzan than Cinderella, then when my husband got home I made him watch Tarzan with me again cause he had never seen it before.

Have I mentioned I love Disney? I think I have... Once or twice. But really, I DO! I bought an entire DVD collection of EVERY Disney Classic (cartoon) movie from Snow White to Ratatouille (I just need Bolt and Wall-E). I can't wait to have kids and be able to share all of those movies with them. They may not like them as much as I did, but I sure hope it's a tradition I can pass on to my kiddos!

I love being around little kids cause I feel like it gives me an excuse to BE a kid again--An excuse to take me back. I don't want to feel like an old fart already. Is this why people say children keep you young? I hope that means becoming a mom will take off a few years for me. If anything it'll give me someone to watch those things with since right now getting my husband to watch them with me is like pulling teeth. And now that it's Easter season I'm sad that I don't have a little girl to dress up in a pretty dress, or a cute little boy to put in a suit.--Even worse, I don't have someone to decorate eggs with... It's not dying them alone (or with an unenthusiastic husband).

Same story at Halloween and Christmas time. I'm really looking forward to being young again through my children.--At the same time thought I'm hoping I'm not one of those crazy moms that tries to force my kids to do things I didn't get to do. We'll see how it works out.

What are other fun traditions you have with your kiddos? And do your kids keep you young, or make you feel old?

The Show That May Change My Mind

Thanks Oprah, for ruining all of the happy feelings I have had towards motherhood. Was I the only person who watched yesterday? No, I don't think so. So let's chat.

When I heard about the show topic being on motherhood I got all excited. I know it was suppose to talk about "the bad" and "the ugly", but I assumed "the good" would be somewhere in there too. Mentally going back to my college days, I brought my laptop over to the TV, to take notes... (Oh yes I did)... During the show.

Parts of the show were really funny and interesting to me, I was able to add to the list of "the things they don't tell you," (I'll post about that later--they had a whole block dedicated to that question), but overall I was kind of left with a depressing feeling about motherhood... No joke...

The only positive experience I got out of the whole thing was from women communicating with me though Twitter. Some moms on the "happy" end of the spectrum gave me their opinions. Cristina aka Native Mamma told me "if motherhood wasn't worth the hassle NOBODY would have more then 1," that seemed so true to me! Why didn't they talk about that on Oprah?

Another mom on Twitter, Monique said "Don't let them get you down. I have 4 and they're worth every single gray hair and nervous breakdown. =)" I sure hope so!
What scared me was that the women on the show weren't saying it was worth it! One or two woman went as fas as saying "What did I get myself into?" and some even said sometimes they've felt like they've made a mistake becoming a mom! It reminded me of a study I saw reported about on Momlogic, that implied "kids [could]= unhappiness."

See.. That's the scary regret I'm talking about. I've never felt that way about anything so important to me in my life... And to think that that's "NORMAL" for some... or a lot of women terrifies me! No... I've never honestly thought my marriage was a mistake, how could these women say that about their children?

It seems to me the root of the problem (which they addressed at the very end) is the fact that TV shows make motherhood look easy... And happy-looking-neighbors, make motherhood/parenting look easy. And women who compare themselves to what they see on the outside think their feelings of overwhelmingness is something only they experience, and they feel bad for feeling that way.

I think the show was meant to show women who have those feelings that they're not alone. I get it, but I think it also scared the $#%* out of some women who were maybe thinking they might like to possibly become one someday, perhaps.

I'm not trying to make women who feel that way feel bad, I mean, my heart goes out to women who feel way, but it makes me wonder if motherhood is for everyone--If it's for me.

I was still pretty ticked about it this morning and wrote a blog post on Momlogic... A letter to Oprah. It's not quite as nice and open as this one, nonetheless it's how I'm feeling right now. Oh and here's one more depressing yet "honest" article that CNN even featured on the topic.

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Oprah, I love you but you pissed me off

It's not you, it's the women you had on your show. What was that meant to do? Scare the living bejeezes out of future moms like myself who are contemplating motherhood? Maybe that wasn't the point. I guess the point was to uplift moms.. More specifically stay at home moms right? The ones who get all down because they compare themselves to other women who they think are all happy and perfect. When are they going to wake up?... Or don't they, until they are driven to the thoughts of "What did I get myself into?" and "I think I made a mistake."

Oprah, you're not a mom, and I'm not a mom but I think we both know it's hard. We have moms don't we? And if that's not testament enough I think we get the point after reading the bizzilionth blog post about how being a SAHM is SOOOOO hard. If it sucks so bad why have more than one?

I'm not trying to down play it at all ok? I don't think you are either, and that's why you invited these women on your show. But what do you think it says to women who want children but can't have any? Women who are so excited to have a child and are always running into women who are griping about being moms. Or women like me who are kind of on the fence about the whole topic?... Did one person on that show even say it was worth it?

Things They Don't Tell You Pt2.

Thanks to The Oprah Show and you as well as a lot of my Twitter friends my list has grown so much I've made a second list of "The Things They Don't Tell You". These things aren't meant to scare me, or any other Future Mamas out there who are thinking of having kids, yet beware... They may. My commentary is in color.

Hemroids- Pregnancy can give them to ya. I wasn't exactly sure what they were but I googled it and ew.

You'll get use to feeling your boob on the side of your stomach... I'm not looking forward to loosing the perkiness :(

Little boys get woodies too-- Saw this one on Oprah... TMI if you ask me.

Lice is hard to get to go away.--I'm not sure I'll have to deal with this one cause I've never had lice and I hear black people don't get it. I hope that's the case for half-black kids too!

I'll hate my husband for knocking me up-- This one I also saw on Oprah, it's believable, but I REALLY hope we can make it an enjoyable experience for all of us.

I may not like my baby right away-- This is a sad one for me. But I guess it's good to know that may happen. But I love everyone elses baby so I can't imagine not liking my own!

A woman on Oprah said she felt like she had made a bad mistake-- Once again, possible, however I'm thinking I'll not let myself feel that way (I try to live life without regret).

Pump, or explode

You loose your choices- This is another complain from a mom on Oprah. I suppose if you go into motherhood expecting things to be easy and the same as before plus having a child on your hip you're going to have a rude awakening. I'm not afraid to make sacrifices and giving up "me time" when the time is right.

Some women say you "loose yourself"-- but I'm assuming that's a problem you run into if you don't already know yourself. I don't think it's "Loosing yourself" but gaining another part of yourself...But I'm not a mom so what do I know?

It's "Freaking’ hard work"- (no commentary needed)

Days where I would hate my kids-- If my kids are anything like some of the kids I see screaming and acting wild out at the store I guess I can believe this, however I don't like to use the work "hate."

You can be constantly constipated while pregnant?! --Waaah?

...And going with that : Milk of magnesia will help you poop (thanks for the tip)

The term "Letdown" is exactly what it says.

Labor stinks... LITERALLY... eew.

Your period is gone for your entire period but then you have it for like a MONTH after the baby is born... Boo!

You can have contractions weeks before you're really in labor... Good to know now so I don't freak out too bad if that happens to me!

And what freaked me out the most and came as the biggest surprise to me: In labor doctors have to cut that piece of skin between where the baby is coming out and your butt hole to keep it from tearing.... OUCH!

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And I'm always excited to learn more, so let me know if I've left anything out! Anything you wish you had known before getting pregnant/ becoming a parent?

The Irony

It's taken me all night and every bit of strength to muster up the energy to write this post. The past week--Few weeks even, have taken me through a whirlwind of emotions. I went from wanting a baby badly, to being scared out of my wits, to visiting my GYN and removing the non-essential hormones from my body... To then again more fear and confusion, none the less excitement and desire.

...All the while I've been learning to cope with feelings of jealousy I have towards other women going through the same feelings of desire but experiencing different results.

Three close friends of mine had pregnancy scares this past week.. Two of which are my very best friends--Both are in exact opposite positions. One wants a child badly (but is experiencing the same husband struggles I am) and the other wants nothing to do with a baby right now--In fact, she told me she'd catch up to me on my second or third kid.

You may remember her... My best friend from this post. Yesterday we talked and she told me she was late. I told her to buy a test, call me the second she knew, and jokingly said she may even beat me in having the first kid.-- When I got the text message today that said "OMG. Well God certainly has a sense of humor," I thought she was kidding but I knew she wasn't.

Now here I am going through a whole new whirlwind of emotions. I'm SO happy for her but I wish I was in her place. I'm mad at myself for wanting to be in her place and for wanting to get pregnant RIGHT THIS SECOND because I feel like that would be irrational... Out of jealousy--Selfishness--"Keeping up with the Jones"... Whatever, but all WRONG!

...But then part of me feels like it's not wrong. I DO want a child I'm just trying to figure out a few things first... And I feel like even if I DID do it now, BECAUSE some of my friends are pregnant I may wonder where my real intentions reside--It's one big internal confusing mess.

It's so easy to think "Leave it alone... You're not mentally stable, or ready, just give it some time." But I feel like this same cycle is going to keep happening to me forever--And no matter how long I wait, SOMEONE is going to be pregnant and I'm just going to feel that way regardless.-- Childish I know, but for some reason I had dreamed I'd be pregnant alone in the world... Or at least first in a bunch, and not feeling like a "copycat."

... Wow, when did I start to care so much about what other people think?

I'm sad because I feel like I'll never have the experience of an "unexpected pregnancy." I'm only going to experience the frustrating anxiety... The never ending countdowns--calenders-- Hopeful tests. I'm not very organized but I'm a huge planner. Friends in college joked with me about my life's plans. I always had it all mapped out the way I wanted it to go--Even now I'm trying to "stick to the plan," but all the while secretly praying the Lord intervenes and surprises me a little early.

I honestly don't feel like anyone can really "get me" right now. I don't think people understand how hard of a transition it is... But I can't possibly be the only woman in the world stuck between wife and mother--Scared to go down the road with no return. It's SCARY! I try to put on a happy face around my husband--Knowing if he sees my fear it's never going to happen. But I'm terrified too. And it's worse knowing no matter how much preparation I'll never really be ready. --That's what everyone keeps saying.

I'm not TTC so I can't complain right?--That's what people think.--I can't complain because I haven't been unsuccessful with conceiving yet... I haven't experienced a miscarriage, or a loss--But somehow I feel like I'm losing part of myself along this difficult journey.

Perhaps that's a part of the territory. Maybe I'm losing a little while I'm gaining a lot, but right now I can't see through my tears, I can only see confusion, only feel angry, scared, sadness.

I feel like I'm right at the edge of the double dutch game, not quite ready to jump in, but not about to run off and keep playing hopscotch either. Lately I'm actually finding comfort in my limbo state. I'm a planner... I like to know what I'm getting myself into and I really ENJOY planning--I don't mind revisions. And while I'm slowly being tortured in my middle-ground it's almost becoming a pleasant pain... Call me a masochist. Maybe the longer I wait the better it will feel. Maybe the pain will fade and I'll only feel the pleasure.

My best friend told me I could hurry up and catch up with her but there are two things in my way... 1. My period and 2. I have to wait until June for a girl-- There I go with my planning again. When will I ever learn?

The New Feelings

I've been feeling sick the past few days. I took the day off today, because though I could get out of bed I felt like I'd been hit by a bus. I could hardly move. I got back in bed and woke up again a few hours later. I thought I'd feel rejuvenated enough to accomplish something--Anything, but I couldn't. I called the doctor to ask about some things... I'm not dying, that's a good thing--I think. My body is readjusting to it's "normal" state... Or something like that. But in the process I feel like crap. I'm not hungry and all I want to do is lay around. It was exhausting just surfing the web for a few moments.

Anyway, as of today I have absolutely no desire to have a child anymore. Well, not any time soon at least. I know my husband could use my help with finishing school, I could save more, and quite frankly I don't feel like I need anymore stress in my life right now. In my head I had a picture perfect scenario mapped out, and I can see now it's not going to work out that way. So for now, I'm dropping it.

I am in a bad mood, so that could be influencing my thinking... But at this very moment if my husband came to me and said we should have a baby, I would have to say "No."

I'm planning on not planning for awhile... Maybe not until next year.

...And down the roller coaster goes again.

PS: I contemplated turning the comments off of this post, and my last because they're so personal, and hard to express. But every time I leave them on at least a few comments touch my heart and bring me EXACTLY what I need to hear at that time. So I'll continue to leave them on--But on today's post I'll add a special request for non-negativity/kindness because I'm very on-edge.

The Easter Weekend Giveaway

Sorry for being such a Debbie Downer the past few days. I'm beginning to feel a lot better. I'm excited for church tomorrow too... Easter programs are always so nice.

I'm going to try to make it up my poopyness to you today ok? I got two new sponsors, with unique prizes for giveaways that will be sure to get you excited!

First, you know those cute baby announcements you get when your friends are having babies? Maybe you even did some of your own! I love getting the cute little pictures in the mail with all the details of the new little bundle of joy. I love sending out cards and I think for sure this is something I'll want to do whenever I have a baby. 5StarBaby has CUTE and WAY original designs in the theme of Movie Posters! How cute is that? My hubby and I are big into movies so I think something like this would be fitting for us.

Well 5starbaby is giving one of you your own announcement design. And what's even better... You DON'T have to be a mommy to want to win!! Cause they do wedding/birthday party/anniversaries, ALL KINDS of announcements for any of life's milestones! Woohoo! Ok... I'm not trying to sound like a commercial here or anything cause I'm not getting money or anything for this, but YOU CAN!... Just check out 5starbaby.com leave a comment here telling me what kind of announcement you'd like to use one of these for and I'll draw a random number, and winner gets a digital file of their announcement! Cool no? It's a $95 value :)

Ok, but my giveaway doesn't end there... As you know I'm OBSESSED with cute baby bows... And all sorts of hair things for little girls. Well, I have some more to give away! But these are different... A few of my friends with little girls have told be it can be IMPOSSIBLE to keep cute little bows on your little girl's hair. Well, MacyMae Clippies has a no-slip grip that WORKS (no really, I had a friend try it for me, it does!) It has a clear gel grip that keeps it put! The picture here is just on example of the cute designs she makes. Just head over to MacyMae Clippies and tell me in my comments section which kind you like best. If you win, she'll send you your favorite design!

So there ya go! Check out those site and let me know what you think for your first entry. If anything else overwhelms you stop reading! If you want more entries, keep reading.

-Leave another comment if you follow me for another entry!
-Yet another if you tweet about the giveaway on Twitter or your blog or something of that sort (one entry for each)
-And finally, leave another comment with motherhood/pregnancy advice or a topic you'd like me to blog about for another entry.

Have fun and good luck! I'll close this giveaway April 25th.

The Mind Games & Thoughts of My First Child

It's funny how the truth comes out when the tables have turned. After my post from a few days ago I've been thinking more and more about why I'm feeling this way and what I'm wanting to accomplish now, and trying to lay everything out on the table.

As I poured bits of my heart into my New Feelings post, I couldn't keep my feelings to myself/my blog. I told my husband I wanted to wait awhile before we try to have a baby and boy was I surprised at his reaction.

"Why?" he asked confused. And he asked a question I've been getting quite a bit this week since I posted the topic: "What about your blog?" I didn't realize I had so many real-life fans! Especially not my husband. But I told him like I've told everyone... This is about my journey; And a journey has a lot of twits and turns right?

I'm pretty sure he doesn't read my blog... If he does he's been pretty nice about not yelling at me for some of the things I've written. Anyway--I even told him about my drought.. My loss for topics because of the way I'm feeling about our future-first-kid right now and he gave me a couple of ideas. Can you believe it? Now not only is he trying to keep my blog alive he's giving me topics to write about! Oh, and it doesn't stop there... Since "the talk" he's been telling me about his dreams of us walking with a stroller, trips as a family, oh it's just not stopping. I'm not sure if it's reverse psychology (that wasn't my intention), the "cause I say so" mentality, or "now the truth comes out." Regardless, I'm not falling for it, nor am I amused it at the moment... (ok, maybe it's a little cute).

But speaking of our first child... A little while ago I wrote a letter to our first baby...I was thinking about him/her and wrote The first letter. And it was published today on My Brown Baby. You can read it here. I'd love to know what you think. I'm also entering this post into the Scribbit Write Away Contest for April. Wish me luck! I'll consider that my "real post" for today since this is a bunch of random randoms.

PS: Have you entered my newest Giveaway yet?

The Vaccines

Have you entered my Spring giveaway yet? It ends on the 25th! It's my coolest one yet.

The other night I was watching Larry King and they were talking about vaccinations and Autism. Boy was it an interesting show. There are a few things I've noticed will cause a mommy rivalry one of the biggest is the topic of vaccinations.

As far as I know I got all of my shots while I was young. I do remember getting plenty of shots when I was in my youth (not even close to a baby). I'm not sure if they were routine or if my mom waited longer for a particular reason. I've conversed with people who don't vaccinate their children, or don't plan to.

I've read countless blogs and articles and forums encompassing statements like "Don't bring your unvaccinated child around mine!" and on the other hand "Vaccines are dangerous." I have no idea where I'll stand on the subject line when the time comes but I know I want to do a lot of studying beforehand.

I do, however wonder why someone would be worried about their vaccinated child around an unvaccinated one because if their child is "protected" why would it matter if someone else isn't? Isn't that the point of the vaccine?

I don't know what causes Autism and I'm not going to pretend like I've done all of the research to have an opinion one way or another. But I am curious to know your opinions on the matter. Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carey seemed VERY passionate about the topic during Larry King, just as others I've met and discussed the topic with.

Have you changed the schedule of your child's vaccinations out of fear or because of things you've read? Are you considering it? Why do or don't you vaccinate? Any good books your recommend on this topic? SO curious about this topic! Sorry I can't lean one way or the other one this-- I'm just learning.

The Awards

Have you entered my Greatest Giveaway Yet? Don't forget! It ends on the 25th!

Last week amidst my down days I received a few gleams of light. Several of which were left in your nice comments! I'm so glad I'm not the only one thinking what I'm thinking, but I'm so glad that expressing what I'm feeling is also helping some other people, I love the women I have connected with through blogging, and friends I have gotten to know better though it. It's so great to be uplifted by such great people, so THANK YOU!

Another cool thing that happened was I got this Kreative Blogger Award! I've been eyeballing this thing for awhile and I feel SO happy that Joy from Mommy's Joy gave it to me! So thank you Joy! And as a part of this award I'm suppose to list 7 things I love and bestow this award to 7 others. I've tried to write a little description of each blog so you can see which ones interest you, however I recommend you visit them all!

Here are 7 things I love (in no particular order):
1. Chocolate covered strawberries: I can't think of anything I like to eat more. Ok... Maybe Cafe Rio, but I can't eat that anymore. So I LOVE chocolate covered strawberries.
2. Writing: I'm not the best, most eloquent writer, but I love to do it anyway. I'm glad I get to write news stories for a living, and I love writing here for fun. I hope I can keep writing for money my whole life.
3. My dog Snoop: I don't care what everyone says... He is like my child, for now at least. And when I'm sad and crying he comes up and snuggles with me. He loves us :)
4. My husband: I didn't purposely put him after Snoop, it just so happened to fall that way. I may talk smack about him every now and then but I love him more than anything.
5. My faith: It's a way of life but I love it, and I truly believe I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for it.
6. Austin: I really do, there's great weather, lots to do! I love this city.
7. Babies: But couldn't you tell?

And it's soooo hard to choose just 7 blogs to give this award to, and I hope I can choose people who haven't gotten it yet. Please pay the award forward ok? :o) So without further adieu, in no particular order:
1. Sunshine-- Marly has such a beautiful family and she chronicles their daily lives. She's also pregnant with her 3rd boy! I love catching up on what's going on in her life as well as reading her helpful comments here!
2. The Poor College Student's Guide to Raising a Family-- Josie is so talented and makes all sorts of craft stuff, she has a couple of blogs but I especially love this one because it has helpful hints about saving money.
3. Mom the Intern-- Jenna has an adorable little baby girl, and she's also about to graduate. She is working at an internship at a news station in Phoenix. Since we went to school together and I work in the broadcast industry, I'm always curious on how she balances both work and baby, she writes about it here.
4. Liberal Mormon-- I don't have much of a political bias myself, I consider myself pretty middle-of-the-road actually, and to some LDS people, that makes me "liberal." This blog is a cool look at a different LDS perspective.
5. The Healthy Moms-- Cascia found me and my blog when I first started and her blog has provided some helpful tips for me regarding planning for motherhood. She also leaves the most helpful and encouraging comments.
6. Musings of Mommy Bee-- I've told you about Jenni a few times! She opened my eyes to crunchyness and has such a creative way of thinking. I love reading her blog and seeing what her family is up to way up there in Alaska.
7. The Young Mommy Life-- Tara has a great blog about just that... Young mommy life! And I love it because it's a fresh perspective from a young woman experiencing motherhood. Oh, and she also taught me the great phrase "Stay out of my uterus!" haha!

And it doesn't stop there! I also got the Attitude of Grattitude from the lovely LeNesha from My Business Adventures. I feel so special to get two awards in one week and I'm going to pass these on as well! One thing I'm grateful for is your comments, so I'm going to pass this award on to some of my loyal commentators. Please do the same, and visit these great blogs!

1. The Bobby Pin-- I love this blog. Natalie is a journalist gone PR, and even though she's switched to the dark side her and I have a lot in common. For one... We're both contemplating motherhood. I wonder who will make the switch first.
2. Grace Comes by Hearing-- Tracey just welcomed her first baby boy, and boy is he a cutie! I love reading about all of his firsts, as well as hearing her honest opinions about my crazy thought on this blog (she opened my eyes to some of the difficult parts of being a SAHM!)
3. Pure Dove-- Jennifer also adds her future mama opinion here on my blog but I love reading about her adventures.
4. Life With Randi and Hudson-- Randi has been following me for quite a while and she always offers the best advice. She's a single mom documenting their beautiful lives.
5. We Keep Choosing Us-- Tori has a growing family and she writes about "anything and everything that strikes her fancy" I especially love her beautiful poems.
6. Kayce's Doula Journey-- I love Kayce's family blog but I also love this new blog she started about her adventures in becoming a doula.
7. The Firefly Shop-- Such a helpful website! But not only does she have great stuff there, she brings her great advice here! Thanks so much!
8. My Brown Baby-- Denene has such a great collection of posts from wonderful women around the globe! I love her new site and all that I'm learning about multicultural families. I love reading stories about things I may face having my own brown baby.
9. My Name is Not Molly-- I love Gabrielle's new blog about being a young modern LDS mommy. She's always making me laugh. So if you need to smile.. Read her blog!
10. Creole Wisdom-- Katie has such a beautiful blog! She's not a mommy or a wife yet, but she's been blogging a LOOONG time! I love her and her beautiful photography. She's one of the main people who got me into blogging. When she pops in here she always has a great new perspective to add.

There are soooo many more blogs I want to add here but I think the awards people may get mad at me if I keep going, and not all of them are open to the general public. Know I love you regardless if you're on this list and I'm SO grateful for your advice, encouragement and comments :)

The Removal

I called the doctor's office of where I'm getting my checkup and asked if they did Mirena removals. They didn't, so I called my "female doctor" right away, knowing it normally takes awhile for me to get in for an appointment. Needless to say I was quite surprised when they asked "How does next Tuesday sound?" It sounded... Soon. I was expecting at least a month, not seven days.

The week went by quickly, my mental countdown was ticking all week, but it wasn't until the day before and morning of that I really began to think of excuses. 24 hours, 10 hours, 2 hours... The closer it got to my appointment time the more I thought of canceling--Especially since it was the same day of Oprah's show on "motherhood" which was making me rethink it all. I was moments away, debating my decision on Twitter when I finally got the courage to just go!

The whole way there I watched for signs to turn around, to cancel. I didn't get lost--That was a good sign. I was almost on time-An OK sign. I found a parking spot--Good sign. But when I went upstairs to my doctor's office, and the lady gave me weird looks about my insurance, I knew that wasn't a good sign.

I am blessed with good insurance. It covers 100% of my health care fees so long as I visit a place that's "in network" (which most places are). So when the woman verifying my insurance told me they didn't cover IUD removals, and that I'd have to pay the $300 I figured that was the sign I was waiting for... A sign that I shouldn't go through with it. She told me today I was in luck, if I did it then I'd get 25% off an only have to pay $200 something. What? To pull a string? No thank-you!

I got up to leave but on my way out (in near tears) I decided to call my insurance myself. Why would they pay for the device and insertion but leave me to live with it the rest of my life?

My gut instinct was right--That lady, and whoever she talked to were wrong. The man on the phone told me I'd only have to pay a $30 copay. I kept him on the phone, marched back into the office of snooty people and handed her my phone. After she and him discussed the matter they came to the conclusion that I'd actually have to pay my $150 deductible. And she made it clear that it needed to be paid up front. Who did she think I was and why was she acting like I couldn't pay my bill? What? Whatever. An hour had passed since my appointment time and after going over the cost with my husband I decided if they could get me in right then, I'd do it, if not, I'd wait, and possibly find a new doctor. The woman told me she could get me in right away so I went ahead and proceeded.

My wait time in the waiting room was seconds, that made me happy. But the time I spent waiting in the patient room was ridiculous. I was in a hurry to undress before the doctor arrived but then waited another half hour (no joke) before she even came in... Then she was in and our in less than 2 minutes... And I/my insurance paid $300 for that? I should be a GYNO!

Since my "operation" (I'm going to call it that because of the cost) I've been a little moody. And I think it's a little ironic that just days after getting it out I decide to change my mind. I haven't been able to diagnose myself yet (I'm a hypochondriac so I do that kinda stuff) but I'm thinking it's a combination of a couple of things: 1. Stress. I try not to stress often, but lately I feel like a ticking time bomb. 2. Pregnant friends. How can I swoon over my best friends' bellies and babies if I have my own? and 3. Hormones, I think that's causing my stress, and hyperactive jealousy. Can I blame my hormones for everything? I think I may try.

The Calling Pt.2

Getting a calling in a ward takes me back to the fourth grade... On the playground getting ready to play kickball. I was waiting for one of the two team captains to pick me for their team. I knew which team I wanted to me on and every time that other captain went to pick someone I prayed it wasn't me.

For those of you who don't know about the LDS church, there's basically a few different sections women can get "called" to. There's "musical" callings, where you'll lead people in singing, play the piano, stuff like that. "Nursery" which is kind of self explanatory... You work with the kids ages 1.5-3. "Sunday school" callings where you'll teach different age levels of classes, "Primary" where you'll teach and sing with kids from 3-11. "Young Women's", working with the teenage-aged girls from 12-18. And "Relief Society" where you'll work with the older women of the church, 18 and up. But where I go, after all of the other younger women are picked called to help with those other things...So that usually means women approaching retirement and up are those left going to Relief Society.

I was so nervous about what my church calling would be in my new ward. This post will catch you up to speed. Well, I found out a couple of weeks ago what I'll be doing for the next little while.

Finally, after 5 years of being stuck with the same Relief Society teacher calling time and time again I made a plan to get out of the cycle.

First, I told everyone I met who seemed nice that I did not want that calling. One of the women happened to be the bishop's wife (that wasn't intentional, but helpful).

Next, I avoided going to any Relief Society activities. Usually when I'd start a new ward I'd go to an enrichment night or some activities to get to know people faster. Then, within a matter of weeks I'd get the dreaded call! This time I avoided activities I thought would put me back in that predicament... At least until I got a calling other than the one I was hiding from.

Finally, I flat out told the bishop I didn't want to be a Relief Society teacher. That I had done it at every ward I had ever been in since I started attending the group and that I would really like to try something new for a change. He was nice, and it seemed like he really understood where I was coming from.

Then whatdoyaknow... A couple of months later I'm called into a little room for that special meeting... My heart is thumping because I know FOR ONCE I'm going to be called to something new... I'm going to get to try something different. I had said I'd be excited to do anything... Really? 'Did I say Anything? What was I thinking?' Ok... Anything but that and Gospel Doctrine teacher.

I got really anxious to hear what I'd be doing and they asked me to be a Sunday school teacher... For the 17 and 18 year olds! Whaa?! I feel like I'm basically their age! And how am I going to make Sunday school interesting to them?

I'm really quite nervous an intimidated about it. To be honest, I was hoping for some thing in Primary. I mean it is so too much to ask to work with cute kiddos all day? Or maybe it's the Lord's way of protecting me from an extra dose of birth control (speaking of which I have an update on that situation coming soon). But anyway, I'm SO grateful that it's at least something new. I think it should be fun!

I'll teach the whole month of May but I'll team teach every other week after that. My first Sunday teaching is next week. The lesson: Law of Consecration. Wish me luck!

Oh, and don't forget to enter My Giveaway going on right now! I'm going to start doing a lot more pretty soon so stay tuned! :)

The Survey Says...

A couple of weeks ago I asked the question "Is the economy effecting your baby making plans?" 25 people, or 13% said "yes" Sadly, I think I'm in that category as well. As much as I'd like to say the way things are economically isn't effecting my plans at all, it's not true. I'm luckily not worried about insurance or my job (knock on wood) but I do worry a little about our condo we still need to sell (or hopefully continue to keep good tenets in). It's just one stress I wish I didn't have to worry about right now.

Surprisingly to me, 129 people, or 68% said "No, not at all" to the question... Can I please get some tips from you? I know babies don't have to be expensive but are you ever worried that things may change? Job loss or anything like that? I'm just wondering how people do it nowadays... What does the average family live off of and how?

I guess I am a little spoiled when it comes to things that I kind of want... I'd love to be able to afford cute clothing and a nice crib set... Whatever. I dunno. My mind goes back and forth on stuff like this.

And lastly, 35 people or 18% said "A little, we're waiting to see what happens." I can understand this group. I find myself in the waiting position a lot on things. I think things are/will get better, I'm not stressing about the economy as much as I was a month or two ago... Now I'm just thinking how I'll make things work regardless.

A friend of mine sent me a link to a TIME article about Stay-at-Home Moms having to go back to work because their husband's lost their jobs, or had such a decrease in pay. I don't have to worry about this in that exact sense because I don't see myself being a SAHM, but it's crazy to see so many women having to go back to work because of this economy. In the article the mentioned this great company I think could be helpful for any women who may be considering going back to work. It's called Mom Corps, and they set moms up with jobs that are "flexible" or have good hours and such... Which I imagine is nice for women who want to spend as much time with their kids as possible.

Seeing all of these warning and such has really made me think before I have a baby (and/or possibly while I'm pregnant) I want to get as much in order as possible. I've gotten my food storage going! I got a lot of MREs (meals ready to eat) and I'm stalking up on water... I'm going to keep the gallon jugs under our bed. I'm going to try to make some 72 hour backpack kits for us too soon. It's the least I can do while I'm playing "the waiting game" with myself.

What kinds of things do you do to save money, save time, SURVIVE in today's world with children? I especially would love to hear from you peeps who say the economy isn't effecting your plans. I mean, I believe in having faith and all but faith doesn't pay every one's bills.

The Baby Makin' Machine Status Update

I know there was a lot of freak out over this post. I had been giving my updates on my whole IUD situation via Twitter and wasn't sure if I'd get around to blogging about it. I hadn't held back before so I figured why stop now?

There were a lot of questions and assumptions. One of my friends went as far as saying:

"Did I just miss something really really important-- you're OFF all forms of BC??? Wowza! That's amazing! I think I will just live vicariously through you right now because if one more person tells me right now is the perfect time for me to have a baby, I may kick them in the nuts."

Hunni, I know how you feel, and no, my baby making machine isn't "on" yet, therefore I am NOT off all forms of birth control if ya know what I mean (*wink wink nudge nudge*)

My baby makin' machine is warming up. Since The Removal, it's draining of it's old oil and getting back to it's eco-friendly state. I'm not brave enough to leave it on and running unattended yet... I'm still keeping a close watch and protecting it for now. Although I'll have to tell you I tried these and I hate it. No... I think I'm allergic or something cause it's no fun AT ALL. So instead I'm giving the NFP (which I'm going to have to do a whole 'nother post on) a little try as well as some of this.

I guess the chances of a slip up are higher now... That makes me think if a baby is what God wants me to have, he'll make it happen anyway. Although I know He can make anything happen... I've made that "anything" easier to achieve now, so "Bring it" I say, (If you want though, oh please, only if you want).

I will say though, I'm already paranoid up the Ying-Yang that I could be... Ya know--(I'm worried if I type it out it'll be true). Before, it felt like there was no chance it was gonna happen... I mean, technically there was a .01% chance, but I'm not one to beat the odds... Unless it's something bad, which in this case I guess I'm a little surprised it didn't happen. ANYWAY... Yea, I'm not sure how great that stuff mentioned above works, but I guess I'll find out in a couple of weeks... Wish me luck (no, don't wish that I'm preg--AHH I almost wrote it!).

I can feel it already... My nervousness... I have a feeling I'm going to be spending a lot of pregnancy tests again *sigh.* No No... I won't let myself. Not until I'm like 2 months late!

No, the IUD coming out did not hurt. That's an FAQ I get a lot. I heard rumors it would hurt way worse than getting it in, but I actually didn't feel a thing. A lot of people ask how I even got one before having a kid... I think it depends on your doctor. I have a couple other friends who have them too. And the biggest question of TTC?!?! And if it wasn't implied enough above, the answer is "No."

The New Look and Special Discount!

What do ya think? I was liking my template before. I'm by no means a blog designer, but I like to think of myself as one. You know... Reporter by day, blogger by afternoon and wannabe blog designer by night.

Well believe it or not, I was getting sick of the pink. Not totally, but pretty much. And I began to feel a tad bit guilty "what if I have a boy and my blog has been pink all this time?" All of these things were going through my mind, so I made the decision to change it up.

I'm not gonna lie, I was really nervous about turning my baby--My project over to another designer. There were times when I thought "forget it, I'll do it myself!" But the trial and error was becoming too much. So I found Danielle.

Great woman, a future mama herself, and an awesome designer. I told her what I had in mind and we worked together 100% of the way. She was so fast and really honest (so was I). I felt so comfortable telling her what I wanted and well... LOOK! To be honest I was like "I like pink but I don't want too much pink" and she took it from there!!

If you're looking to get a redesign, or a design for your blog, or maybe a new website, check out The Design Girl. I didn't even know you could DO half the stuff she does on blogger! And get this... From now until the 28th this month Baby Makin(g) Machine's readers will get $20 off her basic and standard packages! Follow that link and you'll get $20 off your deposit ($15 instead of $35)! Just tell her I sent you :) So check it out! It's worth it being cute!

You can email her your requests or ask her questions at thedesigngirl@gmail.com

The "Natural" Family Planning Technique

WARNING: Some of the information contained in this post may or may not gross you out. So if you're a guy (specifically my husband) or if you find human sexual anatomy gross in any way, you may not want to read anymore. Consider yourself warned.

I've heard this called many athings. I've heard "not trying, not preventing," which in my book, IS trying--Which I may have been accused of in this post. But I beg to differ... I think people who may say "I'm not prevention at all, but leaving it up to the Lord" in turn will probably wind up pregnant, while those of us who are preventing still but say "If it still happens than maybe it was the Lord's will" is kind of a logical statement. I think if you're using SOME form of protection/prevention then you're not expecting to get pregnant. However, I do understand that my methods now may not be as effective, I'm still doing my best to stay un-pregnant.

One way I'm doing that is researching the Natural Family Planning or "NFP" method and/or the Fertility Awareness or "FAM" method. For now, I've just been mapping it all using the rhythmic method. I've been charting my days and what not and have been trying to avoid--(Ya know)--on certain days. I even downloaded a free iPhone application from Fertility Friend to keep track. It's REALLY helpful! Their website is nice too.
I've also heard of the ovulation/billings method, which seems a little more complex and takes more effort. You watch more for signs from your body, take your temperature a lot and check all sorts of nasty anatomy stuff. I bought a basal thermometer that I'm hoping to try to use, and map out my minor degree changes from day to day. If anything this should be a fun experiment right?

Here's my plan: Track as much as I can so I know what days to AVOID, and in turn, when it's baby makin' time, hopefully I'll have it down. But for now, I'll try to count and figure out the days, and keep using the magic gel (every time regardless) and hope I don't wind up pregnant for at least a few more months. I hear these methods work pretty well when used correctly.
I'm actually interested in finding more books on this topic. I know a lot of my friends tried this because they don't like hormones. Most of them are pregnant now, but I think it's because they weren't trying hard enough. At least that's what I'm telling myself so I have the confidence to make it though.

I hear this way of tracking is great for when you're TTC too because you'll know your cycle very well. Part of me doesn't get that though... Can't you just do it every day? That's one way to try to make a baby. At least that covers all of your bases! That's my plan at least.

I dunno, what do you think? Have you tried this method before? It work for you? Have any books or sites to recommend?

The Cloth Diapers

In my quest of "what's crunchy?" I got a HUGE response... Actually my biggest one yet. A lot of women gave me their opinions of what makes a woman crunchy and why they choose to live that way. Some things REALLY intrigued me, and others made me think "No way!" I talked to my husband about a few of the ideas and one of them was the notion to try using cloth diapers. His answer was pretty much an immediate "no way."

If there's one thing I've heard over and over in my pre-pregnancy state it's "diapers are expensive." And "start stalking up once you know your pregnant." Well unless I want to keep a towel around my baby or invest in a lot of carpet shampoo, I think I'm obviously going to with some form of diaper... But which is cheaper? I've heard people say cloth diapers are WAY less expensive more eco-friendly, and better for the bottom. And I've heard others say the water and energy you use cleaning them make up for the difference. Now time is money, so if I'm spending hours upon hours cleaning dirty diapers it probably will get old...(evil grin) But I do have a husband, and I've only done laundry a handful of times in my 4.5 years of marriage... So I'm counting on the fact that I won't have to worry about that, if we so choose this path.

The next item to consider is appearance. When I imagined cloth diapers I pictured literally a soft washcloth-like material safety-pinned around the baby's bottom. Something like this:Well little did I know things are more advanced nowadays, and cloth diapers can actually look like REAL diapers, and have nice velcro, patterns and tags, the whole nice yards! I recently learned how to sew. I learned because I wanted to make matching dog collars and leashes for Snoop. That's all I can make though. The thought of sewing any kind of clothing item terrifies me, much less a cute diaper. But it would be SO FUN to make diapers for my kids... I think. Probably until they poop in them, then I'd probably want to throw it away.-- Then again maybe I wouldn't because of all the TIME it took me to make!-- Now I'm on to something... If I MAKE the diapers I won't want to throw them away (cause I'd probably throw away something I bought).

I came across Amber's website DiaperKit.com and honestly, I think I could do this... And if I can do it, anyone can do it! What I hate most about sewing is all of the cutting, and what's nice about these is that all the material is already cut and ready, you just sew it together! The kits start as low as in the $5 range. Imagine how many diapers you could make and wash and save and use on future babies! Hmmm... Whatdoyathink?

I know there's quite a few women who read my blog who are ALL for cloth diapers. I've also connected with quite a few on Twitter and I'm really interested in why you choose (or don't choose) this path.

Either if you do, or are considering it Amanda and I have a little gift for you. Anyone who purchases one of her diaperkits or pre-made diapers between now and May 21st will get a 10% discount. She also donated an adorable pre-made diaper that is so cute it actually made me think I am going to try these things... At least one. It's worth a try right? How about you win it and give it a try! It's a size small so it can fit babies 10-20 pounds. It's white, 100% cotton, and super absorbent! You don't need a diaper cover with this cause it's all in one! It also has an adorable little tag on the front that says "I Love Cloth."

So shop around, leave a comment here and let me know what kit or diaper you like best and why you use or would consider using cloth diapers. That's your entry. I'll draw a winner from randomizer.org on May 9th! If you don't and don't want to use them, still tell me why! I want to know both sides :)
You can get extra entries by:
-Being a follower of my blog
-Tweeting or Facebooking etc. this post
-Blogging about this post
-Have or grab my button and put it on your blog!

Please leave me a comment for each extra entry. Giveawat ends 5/9 Good Luck!
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The Physicals

I set up appointments to get physicals more than a month ago. I'm not a huge fan of doctor's offices and I consider myself very lucky to have a nurse for a mother-in-law. I usually call her with all of my medical questions, and to make sure I'm not dying.

As a part of this list of things to do 6 months to a year before baby makin' I decided to go ahead and at least do this.

We arrived to our appointments right on time... Not 20-minutes early like the receptionist asked. I liked the way the office building looked. It was small, quaint. Unlike the huge and commercialized offices I had visited previously.

After completing our paperwork the nurse quickly called me back. I motioned for my husband to follow me back but he shook his head. "You can come," I urged just above a whisper. But he wouldn't.

After doing a series of basic blood pressure and pulse tests she instructed me to change into the clinic scrubs. When she left the room I heard her call my husband in and apologize that she didn't ask us to come in together 'yea, that's what I tried to tell him' I thought.

So there we were. Our doctor, and Indian man, was probably the nicest doctor we've ever had. In fact, normally we don't like to go to the people in white coats, but he changed our perception. But what threw me for a loop was when the doctor asked: "So are you two thinking about starting a family?" and after glancing at my husband, I let him reply, he said: "Yea, probably in the next 1 to 2 years." I gave him the 'what?!--No, wait, we'll talk later' look, and as soon as the doctor left the room we did.

"A year to two years?" I asked.
"I didn't mean to say that," he said defensively. "I meant I wanted to have a kid in hand in like a year or two."
"Well no one thinks in those terms," I shot back.

While I went to get blood work done hubs completed his physical, and when I walked in I overheard them completing a conversation about what's safe before or during pregnancy. 'Now we're talking,' I thought.

We decided to take our Tetanus/ Pertussis shots then as to not have to worry about it later when it's baby makin' time. The doctor gave me good advice... Prenatals, calcium pills, constant exercise, yoga and meditation (?), OB referrals... The whole nine yards. I felt a lot better after going through that process-- Actually talking to a professional and getting my questions out in the open.

I got a phone call the other day about our blood test results. My husband's came in a day before mine and I worried something was wrong--What if I was.. you know. Do they test for that?

The woman on the other end of the line with my results paused before she read my results. Blood sugar--Good. Iron levels--Good. Cholesterol level--Good, and she paused before she read my last result... I was at 106 for my "bad cholesterol" level, the doctor likes me to stay around 100. Diet and exercise better and get checked again in 6-12 months if I'm not pregnant.

I let out a sigh of relief, not because I needed an excuse to lay off the french fries, but because she didn't tell me the news I've been dreading--I've been suspicious about. I have a feeling this is only the beginning of my paranoia.

The Paranoia

If my stomach so much as growls I'm thinking I may be pregnant. I've gotta go pee--Must be pregnant. My feet hurt... I'm tired... feel faint--Yep, it's the pregnancy. That's what I get right? I guess it's the price I pay for doing this and trying that. I knew this would happen and now I'm ready to KICK myself! Here's proof how paranoid I am:
I took some of ya'lls advice and just stocked up on pregnancy tests from the Dollar Store. I only got 5 though. That should hold me over for awhile.

It's weird, I haven't had this feeling for a long time. I've been on the pill, the depo shot, had an IUD, and finally... after about 5 years of diverse birth control I'm not using hormones.

I must admit, I use to think people who weren't using a hormonal form of birth control were kind of dumb... Now that I've crossed over to that side of the fence I can see it's not that strange, and it's a little annoying when people say "you're going to get pregnant right away." Well I hope not (that's not the plan)! BUT... My GYN said it could take up to a year for my cycle to go back to normal so I figured it would be best to start that timer now if that be the case.

I imagine I'll find myself in this "so now I know how it feels" scenario a lot more as my journey inches closer and closer toward motherhood. I get the feeling I'll be eating a lot of my words.

I'm trying not to talk about my paranoia. I really don't want to be "that girl." You know... The one who's always talking about the pregnancy-like sensations she feeling but INSISTS she's not (or doesn't think she's) pregnant. Although I wouldn't mind being like Michelle, and making my own personal book of my crazy-mind feelings of "maybe I'm pregnant" in a TTC Journal (when I'm actually TTC).

So far I've been pretty good about taking my Basal Temperature. I printed out about 6 months worth of charts and I've already got some dots on it! I'm surprised how FUN. It is--Wait... I'm not sure if "fun" is the right word, but it sure is interesting! I ordered "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" like a lot of you recommended. If what yall all are saying about it is right I should know when to and not to get pregnant (again, the latter being my goal). And I'm excited just to understand my anatomy better, I think it should be coming in this week! I actually don't even mind checking out that other stuff... Eer, keeping an eye on it at least (I'm not sure I know how the whole "process" should be done yet, I'm counting on the book for that one). Anything that keeps me from screwing up I'm all for!

I'm mostly worried because I just got a Tetanus/Pertussis shot and the doctor said I should wait three months before TTC, plus I'm not sure what hormones are still in my system after removing the Mirena, I've still got a little dental work to get done, AND I'm still trying to ween myself off 5-hour energy shots. Well I wanted to wait that long or longer ANYWAY but I'd feel bad if I messed up my fetus, hence my extra dose of paranoia, coming right up!

The Push Present

Have you heard about these? I hadn't, but now that I know about it you'd better believe I'm signing up for this trick.

We were talking about our wedding rings at work when one of my friend's said one of her friends got a brand new diamond ring as a "push present." 'WT eff is that?' was my thought, so I asked. And like it sounds, it's a present expected from the expectant father. A thank-you gift your husband will give to you while "pushing" through labor... A motivational gift I guess you can say, and it's given to a new mother either before, during or right after delivering her new baby. Sounds sweet right?

Apparently this has been going on for a long time. In England it's tradition for men to give their wives a diamond ring. In India they give their new mothers gold jewelry. I guess here in the US it's just starting to pick up and it's most spreading by word of mouth. So ladies are you with me? To all of my pregnant friends: Get your husbands to do this for you and by the time I have a child I'll have enough evidence to convince mine to do the same. Have any of you heard of this before? Or practiced this brilliant custom?

You'd best believe I already told my husband about this. He may not think I'm serious about this right now but I'm expecting one of these when I have a baby. No, I'm not pregnant yet, so I have a while to convince him, decide what I want and save for it.

I'm not positive yet, but I'm thinking something like this would be just right:

(actual size)

****

And the winners of my Easter Weekend (and beyond) Giveaway are (drum roll please):

Original Digital Baby Announcement: #73 Tammy from One Step at a Time: She won with her second comment that said she's now following but she said she's about to be a first time grandma and her son and daughter in law! Congrats!

No-Slip Grip MacyMay Clippies from La Bébé Boutique: #57 Babalisme with her self-titled blog Babalisme. Her favorite clippies were the Miss Pretty style.

Email me so I can get you your prizes! And if you didn't win don't worry I still have an adorable cloth diaper giveaway from DiaperKits.com.

If you're interested in sponsoring a giveaway you can email me at babymakingmachine{at}gmail{dot}com

The Adversary

Is that was it is telling me now may not be the right time, or is it from my head, or even the Good Guys? Other than that I know there are some quote unquote: Worldly-- Sources too.

Take Sex and the City for example (I watched the TBS version ok?) These four women are obviously all in different stages of life. One is a successful columnist, dating the same guy forever... They finally get married and she's like in her 40s. Another woman is a sex addict, doesn't even really want a serious relationship, much less a marriage and kids and nearing 50. Then there's the career-driven lawyer woman with a kid and so-so marriage and the happily married professional gone stay-at-home mom with a couple of kids.

I know it's a TV show ok? But in watching this show I thought how cool it was to see different women in completely different situations and being totally happy with where they were. All of them were in their mid 30s plus. AND they were living in New York City!! (I've gotta get there).

Then, last week I turn on Larry King. Beyonce is on (love the girl) and talking to him about being a newlywed and what not--How they keep their relationship private etc. (smart girl). Well what got me was when Larry King brought the question of kids to the table. She told him of course she wanted kids, but she's so young and has so much more she wants to accomplish first while she's young. She's only 27... Wow! That's 4 years older than me!

It's not that I can't accomplish things after having children but sometimes I think I've come so far so fast--What can I do with another few years?

Then I have days where I get on the phone with one of my best friends (the not yet pregnant one). We both get each other COMPLETELY on the topic of kids--Wanting them, husbands not, friends having them--Jealousy. Well lately her husband seems to be coming around and we were talking about that when I got on one of my rants about how after kids you can never go back.

I told her: "I love looking at cute little babies and toddlers with their families but then I think of what it'll be like 5 or ten years from then, we don't stare and adore those families at church right now, or the parents with teenagers. We just like the cute little babies, but what about when they grow up? We can't just go back to being married without kids. When even they move away then there's college and weddings and grand kids to worry about! It never ends!!"

After spilling my brains of the topic I constantly dwell over the only thing she could say was "That's true. I never thought of it that way." I was a little upset... She was suppose to disagree with me or tell me it didn't matter. But nope... "I never thought of it that way," was it.

I told the same thing to another friend who recently had a baby (who I happen to babysit and love--More on that coming later) and lucky for me he said "You say that all in 30 seconds but it happens in a span of over 20 years, it doesn't all come at you at once." Although an obviously observation, it calmed me a little. It's just weird to think I've lived just over 20 years myself and the next 20 could be dedicated to other people-- Selfishness gone. I'm not sure what I think of that.

The Oldest

I always thought I wanted a girl first, because... Well, because they're cute and I really just want to get the girl out of the way! Plus, I've really got a system down with these cute baby hairbows I make and as one of hubby's aunt's says "Now you're gotta make a baby to put in them!" SO TRUE!... But it would have to be a girl, or else that would just be weird.

So I have it all planned out to have a girl right? You probably saw my rituals post about things I'm going to do to have a girl. Well, I may be changing my mind. See...Boyz II Men came to town and were playing all of their old school love songs. I missed the concert but my news station covered it. It got us all pulling up the songs on Youtube and singing along... Well when we got to this one song called "A Song for Mama" I got all teary eyed and decided I want a boy (love how I just decide what I'm going to have, like I have a choice in the matter?).

So it got me thinking about the months we'll have to do it to have a boy and the stuff I'll have to eat.. positions, etc. Plus, hubby wants a boy (go figures right?) and I wouldn't mind having a momma's boy.

So I was all set to have a boy...but then I got to thinking... The oldest child, would I rather it be a boy or girl? Hubby and I are both the oldest and I get a lot with my siblings a lot better than he does... He gets a long with them, it's just that he doesn't COMMUNICATE with them at all often. I Tweeted the question "what do you think is better for a first child, boy or girl?" and most peopel said girl... For the same reasons. So now I think I'm back to square one.

Obviously I'll be happy with either. I've come a long way... I'm pretty much torn 55/45 (girl)right now with what I'd like, but when we first got married I was worried I wouldn't like my son if he came out first... Harsh right? I don't feel that way anymore. I'll be happy with a healthy baby but I'm going to "experiment" for a girl... I have a 50% chance (actually I think it's 49%) naturally, but I'll see if I can beat the odds.

Sharon asked me if I had a gut feeling what I'd have one way or the other... Here's what I think (as of now pre-conception) I think it's going to be a BOY!! Why? Because it would be ironic and my life is ironic. Oh, and because I've been having lots of dreams about a baby boy lately... I think he's ready to come down. I use to dream about a girl all the time... What do you think happneed to her? Hmm... We'll see!

The Thoughts From the Past

Once thing I enjoy about this blog is the fact that I'll be able to look back and see how much my thoughts, ideals and opinions have changed. I can already look back at a few things I've posted just moths ago and see that my opinions have changed.

I came across a popular post I wrote on Myspace three years ago. I was very passionate and upset at how so many people I was around were asking things like "How many kids do you have?--Oh" It was getting quite annoying. Now can I preface this and say my mind has changed a lot since then? I was very opinionated at this time about all the people around me who were pregnant and telling me I should be too. I felt like all the while I was trying not to be judgemental these people had no right to judge ME. That is what inspired this rant:

Thursday, August 10, 2006
What is wrong with women these days? (This may seem offensive)

Ok... not that I am being judgmental or anything because everyone is entitled to an opinion. So don't take what I am saying in an offensive way.

I am so annoyed with how many women here in Utah (especially Utah County) are such cop-outs. Ok... that is a harsh phrase to use. Let me better explain myself...

I don't understand why so many women just say "I don't want to work so I'm going to have kids." Kids are wonderful blessings but that doesn't mean you have to have them when you are 21. And don't give me this "well you may not be able to have kids when you're older" crap; because that's a load of you know what.

If that was the case a majority of people in the US wouldn't be marrying in their late 20s and even later have children.

I'm tired of people looking at me like I'm the strange one for being married for a year and a half and not sitting on the nest. What happened to being ambitious, and enjoying work, studies, life, your spouse, traveling, making a difference in the world? And yes, you can make a difference in your child's life as well, but so will I when I'm established, have a career, graduate degree(s), a house and maturity under my belt.

And don't look at me like I'm the selfish one. Just because I want to be older than 23 when I have a child does not mean I am "worldly." (And for the record I will be in my 30s when I have my first child).

Elizabeth Vargas--recently retired ABC anchor in NYC just had her 2nd child at 43. Now I'm not saying I want to be that old, I'm just saying you can be and that's ok. My mom had me at age 18 and just had a baby last year at 38 (there are 3 in between us). I will be done before I am 38 and have kids out of the house about the same time as most people who start now.

Don't tell me if I don't have kids now or if I keep putting it off that I will never want to have kids or that I will be "punished" for not having them now. ...I'm not even going to get started on that.

It's not that I don't like kids; it's just that I'm not ready. And the more and more I hear people talking about wanting to get pregnant the more it drives me away from wanting to. I'm not ready to jump on the band wagon and do what everyone else is doing.

I'm sorry but I want to wait until I can afford a child first of all. I am not a fan of taking out loans and using other people's money to raise a family. I know accidents happen (an no, accidents are not 'forgetting to take your birth control and getting caught in the moment' you are asking for it.) but accidents aren't "well, we'll just take our chances and see what happens... chances are you'll get pregnant, so don't tempt fate. I also don't buy the "we couldn't afford birth control that month" (and yes, someone has told me this excuse, no lie). I'm sorry but if you can't afford birth control (a box of condoms for $5) then how do you expect to be able to afford a baby?

I do not plan on just working part time (both me and my husband while we are both still in school) and taking out student loans because "we should start our families now." Everyone can start their families when they want, and I plan on being debt free (besides a house) before having a child. I don't want to bring a child into this world with debt or other people's money. And don't tell me "everyone's doing it" (and yes, I have heard this excuse), because not everyone is doing it, and I don't blame them. I don't really see it logical to stay at home, not work, and raise a child while my husband is finishing up school and working part time (if at all). Why? Why put yourself through that? You have plenty of years of fertility.

I am beginning to think women around here want to have kids so young for two main reasons. 1. Because they don't want to work and 2. Because everyone else is and it just seems right.

Now there is no need to bring religion into this because we all know it is between husband, wife and the Lord to decide when it is time for EACH INDIVIDUAL couple to have children.

Again, I am not trying to be judgmental. Do what you want, but I am telling you why I am doing what I want. Have all the babies you want, be my guest, but don't look at me like I am the bad guy. We all have our choices and my choice is to wait.

****

Ouch right? I'm not trying to turn this into a controversial post like this ok so hear me out... Three years later a few things have changed. For one, I'm don't think I'll be in my 30s when I have my first child... Not by my choice at least. That would mean waiting another 7 years!! The crazy thing is I'll have been married for 12 years! Well, it's funny to see how already my opinions have changed some.

I get "The Urge" now, when I didn't then. Though luckily I'm at a much different stage of life than I was then. Now I'm a young professional versus a student.

I've learned there's not really a time that you will "afford" a child, though I think we're better off than we were in school (thank goodness). And ESPECIALLY since the economy has been hit so bad I now understand the need for help sometimes--Because even if you do have jobs... Nowadays you could loose it at any time. Unfortunately, a job now doesn't guarantee you a job 9 months from now.

Most of all I think I've learned opinions don't matter. I have so many friends who popped babies out right away and they (seem) so happy. And how they pay their bills--With their money, our money, loan money, banked-robbed money is really none of my business. And over time, as they've stopped asking me when I'm going to have a kid (probably thinking I'm infertil) I've moved on... And I've stopped coming up for excuses for why I haven't joined their club.

While I think my words will stir up some emotions, please remember I was young ;o) BUT I am wondering... Do people ever bug the crap out of you on topics like this? Do/ Did you feel pressured to get married/ have babies/ more babies when maybe you don't feel it's right? Have you ever felt the same way that I did then? I love open and honest discussion.