6 Words you shouldn't call a black person: Black Folk 101

I thought I'd help some of my dear virtual friends out. See, not everyone has encounters with black people believe it or not. There have been times where I've found myself as the first black person someone has talked to. And many times where I've found out I was "the black friend"... Oy.

Now we all should know ignorance isn't bliss, not when it comes to this, and there have been times I've been called things that make me think Oh no s/he didn't. Bless their heart.

So if you've never met a black person before, or just never known what to call one (you'd be surprised how many times I get asked this question) here's a little education for you. Personally, I don't like to be called any of these things by anyone, regardless of race (yes, even if you too are black.) These are things I (or my daughter) have been called that we shouldn't have.

1. Nig**: Whether this has an "a" on the end or not, it's not ok to call a black person this. Consider yourself warned.
2. Negro: Once again, something that doesn't sit well with me. Don't use this term to identify a black person. This aint the 1950s.
3. Colored: Read above.
4. Uncle Tom: *Deep breath* Just because someone doesn't fall into a stereotypical roles media and others portray of blacks, doesn't mean they are a "sell out."
5. Mutt: A person of mixed race shouldn't be compared to a mix-breed dog.
6. "My Black Friend": You don't know how many times I've heard something to the effect of "well I'm not a racist, I have a black friend..." Maybe you're not a racist, but I wouldn't admit you only have one black friend. No one really wants to be your token.

The happier news: If my race should be identified I prefer to be called "black." It's ok to call me black. I actually tend to prefer it over "African American" because if a white person from South Africa moved to the US, they wouldn't be called African American. And if you met a Canadian black man, you shouldn't call him African American because he isn't African nor American.

Note: These opinions vary from black person to black person, but generally, most people don't like being called what's on the above list.

A few things about Black hair: Black Folk 102

Continuing in my random series to educate those who may not know (m)any Black people, I thought I'd share a few things about Black hair that some may not know. I say "some" but  I actually think a lot of people don't know these things based on random comments I get from people.

1. Don't ask me where my daughter gets her curly hair. It takes every bit of strength not to look at you like you just landed from Mars. My hair is naturally curly, just like every other Black person--At least any I know. I'm sure there are exceptions but as a general rule, our hair is curly. I straighten it with a flat iron once a month.

2. Yes, once a month. You don't have to be shocked when I tell you that's how often I wash my hair. Trust me, it's ok.

This may be getting a little deep but stay with me...

Since my hair is naturally curly; because I don't have a relaxer (a chemical straightening agent) and I wear it straight for TV, I limit the amount of product and heat I use on it to keep it from damaging. Plus, the natural oils from my hair don't make my hair greasy and gross, but healthy and shiny.

3. Let's say you do know a little bit about Black hair. That doesn't necessarily make it ok to call it "good" or "bad" or ask if I'm wearing a weave. Yea yea, I know Chris Rock did a documentary to educate people about the mysteries of Black hair but that doesn't mean it doesn't offend me.

I'm not saying these things out of anger, but in hopes to help people not embarrass themselves. One anonymous commenter last week said she's white, and was offended that I "ranted" about what you shouldn't call a Black person. I believe I made it very clear that "the 'N' word" offends me no matter what you look like, and quite frankly, I'd never heard a white person say #4 on that list.

Anyway, these aren't rants, but things on my mind that could help some people out there (any background) in never never land who have never ever had this conversation with a Black person.

Guess who's coming to dinner?: Meeting my husband's parents for the first time.

Being in an interracial relationship, one of the first things people ask us is "what did his parents think?"

People usually ask what they thought before asking what my parents thought. I'm not sure why, because he's the lucky one. ... I mean that in a non-conceited way. Of course I'm lucky too but when people ask me what his parents thought it comes across--to me--as if they would be the ones, if any, to disapprove. But why?

I'll admit, I was more nervous about meeting his parents and family than I was about him meeting mine, despite my having a strict father who tried to tell me I needed to marry a "strong black man." I knew ultimately it wouldn't matter to them what my intended husband looked like, but how he treated me. The hesitation I felt toward meeting his family was more based on past experiences with people I was friend with, and their families reactions.

My white friends growing up didn't always seem to have parents who would have supported them either way. I mean, maybe they would have had it come to that, but based on what I heard--Things like "it's against the Bible to date outside your race" or "My father would not like it if I had a black boyfriend" their parents weren't so keen on the idea.

Having been raised hearing those things in the Georgia, I never knew what to expect if a white guy were to bring me home.

So... This new boyfriend of mine--a white guy from Utah--and I, had only been dating something like a week when he told me his parents wanted to meet me. What the...?

I can't remember asking him flat out if they knew I was black, but I knew they did. Something about the way he was so overly excited about me meeting them. I had an inkling they'd be fine with it.

It's weird even writing this down just now. That they'd be fine with it. I wasn't ashamed of being me, being black and who I am, but I worried about a possible supremacy attitude I sometimes saw and heard growing up in Georgia. I worried because I liked this guy so much, and I'd hate for some punk parents to screw it up for us.

"My dad is excited to talk to you about BYU." That's one of the only prefaces I remember him telling me before going to his house.

Ok, great. I thought. There's at least one thing we'll have in common.

But we actually had a lot in common.

I don't remember much of what I talked about with my then-boyfriend's dad, but I remember thinking he was very nice and very funny--of course still true to this day.

His mom wasn't home during all of this, and I was actually most nervous about meeting her. I heard she grew up in Atlanta and well... I did too and I know all to well that everyone isn't so friendly, especially when it comes to racial issues.

I'll never ever forget the moment I met his mother. This smooth guy I was dating had an awesome idea that we should go downstairs and watch some TV white we waited for her to get home. Of all the shows he chose to watch he picked the movie Friday.

If you aren't familiar with Friday, it's basically a stereotypical comedy about some pot-smoking friends (Ice Cube and Chris Tucker) in an urban neighborhood avoiding drive-bys and gangster thugs. If you know me, you know this isn't my typical choice of movie. But he's always found this kind of stuff hilarious.

So amidst his laughter, his mom starts walking down the stairs to the basement. I tell him someone is coming--Thinking he'd get the hint to change the channel. But instead he pauses the movie. And the frame he just so happens to stop on was something between this...

And this...

So his mom, who's never met me before joins us downstairs with a giant freeze-frame of thugness all over the big screen, and her son is hanging out, watching this with his new black girlfriend.

I'll be honest. I don't remember that conversation at all because I was so horrified. I'm a big believer in first impressions make a difference and I didn't feel like that was the best one for me to give.

When she left I asked him what he was thinking... 'Great, now your mom is going to think I'm some kind of bad influence on you.'

But he laughed it off and assured me his mom knows him and knows he watches stuff like that all the time.

It's true. Growing up he asked his mom to buy him Snoop Dogg cassettes, and probably other hip hop and R&B music.  I've even seen pictures of him as a young boy, with his blond hair and pretty blue eyes wearing his wind breakers, listening to his Walkman (he says Snoop was playing at the moment) and his Paula Abdul poster hanging behind him. He's always been very... Cultured. I guess you could say.

The following weeks I joined him and his family for Sunday dinners, and family parties. I met all of his local extended family just a week later, including his uncles, aunts, and cousins. And shortly thereafter I met his grandparents, who had just returned from a mission trip to Australia. Not one person batted an eye to the fact that he was dating a black girl. No one cared.

I even remember later having conversations with some of his family about the fact that nobody cared. I think part of it could be because religion was a more important commonality to them, but since then I've seen even that doesn't make them disapprove of someone.

Looking back and remembering this experience has really made me realize not everyone has the same opinions on interracial relationships. Growing up I felt like it would be a lifelong battle if I decided to marry someone outside of my race, but luckily for me, it hasn't been.

Sure, there are occasions where we encounter things that make us go "hmmm" but that hasn't happened with his family. Nor with mine... But I'll go more into my side some other time.

I know for a fact I don't care about race in regards to who my daughter decides to date or marry. What about your children?

'Black' names vs 'White' names stereotypes: Black Folk 201

As I narrowed down baby names for my daughter before she was born, of course I was greeted with suggestions, ideas, and questions about what we liked.

I was caught off guard when someone asked if I'd name her Shaniqua.

Yes, because my name is Jennifer and Shaniqua is the first name that came to my mind.

This wasn't the only time people have brought names like this to my attention. Why they think it's fitting I'm not quite sure.

It's also strange to me when people say I "don't look like a Jennifer." What that's suppose to mean, I'm not sure.

Think I'm kidding? Think they're kidding? Yea, that's what I thought too when one of my former bosses suggested I change my name to something more "ethnic."

A lot of people are intrigued by my job. People ask if I wear shorts under the news desk (thanks Anchor Man), if I have makeup artists, if I use my real name, the list goes on.

No, I don't wear shorts, (but sometimes I'll wear jeans), I do my own makeup, and I use my own name. But at my first news job, in a small town in Southern Utah, that almost changed.

After my first day the general manager brought into our tiny little office and sat me down. The main anchor, one of my mentors was with him.

"What do you think of changing your name to Keisha?" He asked me.

I laughed. Then looked around the room, realizing I was the only one laughing. My friend did give a sympathetic shrug, which made me think she thought it was about as strange as I did but couldn't tell me right then and there.

"Are you serious?" I asked. Totally stunned.

He was.

He went on and gave me some explanation about my last name sounding French-Creole and that having "Keisha" as a first name "fit."

"Think about it," he told me.

I said I would but there was no thinking about it. I was not changing my name. Especially not to Keisha.

I did call my family, then my friends and laughed about it with anyone who would listen. To this day I still have to chuckle a little when I think back to that moment because I honestly don't know what was going through his mind.

My name is Jennifer. My siblings: Heather, Michael, Lauren, Kimberly. None of them are stereotypical names you'd hear on the Top 60 Ghetto Black Names list. They are, however, found in the most popular names of the year list. I didn't want my daughter's name on either. My mother's reasoning for her decision was different than mine. She would say "do you want to get a job?" Which sounds harsh but some research shows "black-sounding" names on resumes don't do as well next to the same resume holding a "white-sounding" names.

Deciding what to name your children is a beautiful thing. The coolest thing is that it's your choice. Some are more unusual, and others are more common, but no one should be pigeon holed into a name because of how they look.

And for your entertainment...I guess. The "Top 60 Ghetto Black Names."

So, you wanna adopt a Black kid?: Black Folk 201

I think it's absolutely wonderful when people tell me they want to adopt, but from time to time I'll hear people say things that make me go "hmmm."

My favorite line is "Ooh, I want one." Referring to a black child. Kids aren't puppies. You don't buy one from a breeder, or pick one out at a shelter. It's a human being, and you get what you get.

I don't know if it's because Angelina Jolie and Sandra Bullock made it cool, but for a while I was beginning to wonder if it was some kind of strange fad.

Source

When I lived in Utah I saw this all over the place. I'm going to be honest, at first I was a little concerned. I met mothers frustrated with their daughter's kinky black hair who didn't have a clue how to manage it, and black children who had never seen people who look like them. And worse... reading stories of parents who abused these children. Thankfully the latter was not as common.

When I attended Black Student Union at BYU, there were events for these families to come and socialize with one another and, I guess, let their kids see other children who look like them. I asked the parents how they came about adopting transracially and heard a variety of responses.

One mother told me she wanted a biracial child because she thinks they're adorable, another told me the waiting list was so long for white children so they broadened their search. Another told me it was more affordable.

...

A baby on sale? That broke my heart, but I'm giving them all the benefit of the doubt. While their initial intentions may have been questionable to me, I pray they're loving parents.

These days my feelings aren't so harsh toward families who want to adopt transracially. In fact, I think it's great that people can open their hearts to children who don't even look like them, and take them in as their own forever. It's a sad fact, but according to some studies, black children are 7 times less desirable than other children. This is why there are programs that offer subsidies to help families adopting a black child. And let's face it... There aren't enough black families adopting either.

I think (hope) counselors do this anyway but I've thought of some advice for parents choosing to adopt a black child.

1. Learn how to manage black hair: Take a class, ask for help, do what you've gotta do so your daughter doesn't have a matted mess that can't be tamed and has to be cut.
2. Study black-culture and history to share with your child.
3. Have a variety of books, dolls, and toys that show people who look like them too.
4. Get involved in diverse play groups, so your child can see others who also look like them.

I also found a helpful article with more information on transracial adoption.

Actually, I think the list above is great for anyone. Being in an interracial marriage myself I am trying to be more aware of my daughter's growing variety of books, dolls and immersion.

When people say "Black babies are so cute!" Not that I don't agree, but is that specifically why you'd want to adopt a child? Ultimately a family is a family. Love is most important, and you don't have to look like your children to love them.

Someday I'd like to adopt, possibly after I have one more biological child. But I'd like to think that race wouldn't be a deciding factor in my decision.

I'm interested in hearing from others who have considered or who have adopted transracially. What has your experience been? Would you adopt outside of your race?