I'm not sure what's gotten into me. I've gone from the young, ambitious woman, ready to climb to the top of the journalism world--Maybe have a couple of kids at some point. To definitely having kids, still being a reporter powerhouse. To wanting my first kid sooner than I thought--I'll squeeze it into my career plans. To having a kid and adorable family is my first priority and hoping my fantastic career will fall into place.
I thought I was always ambitious and career minded, but looking at journal entries from years past makes me remember otherwise. I've always had big goals for my career, and had a very supportive husband, but been very open to him providing if that's what we wanted.
I never use to envy women who stayed at home with their children all day. I always wanted to have a career where I could still develop my skills and be a successful woman while still being a mom. And it wasn't until very recently I became jealous of those women who could be at home.
Last week I was browsing through some friend's blogs, catching up on their lives and looking through pictures. I stopped at one blog of a girlfriend I use to work with in college. She's pregnant with #2 and is a stay at home mother. It wasn't what she wrote on her blog that struck the sensitive nerve inside me, but a picture she had with about 20 other women, all stay at home wives/mothers, and their husbands were all in graduate school.
"That must be nice" was the first thought that came to mind. I found myself wishing I had a big group of girlfriends with playmates for my young children. That I could get together during the day and talk and bake and play while my husband worked outside the home--Or not even worked, just went to school. My main responsibility--though a huge one--Raising our children.
I envied the fact that they may not plan to--Or have to, work a day in their child's young life, and they can afford to do that. --Knowing that probably won't be the case for me.
My emotions boiled over, the tears came, and I couldn't help but express my frustration to my husband--The jealousy I felt for all of the women I knew who were brave enough to live off their husband's income (or even lack thereof), and not have to work. That simple picture brought a million questions to the front of my mind. Why was I so ambitious? Why do I want to work? Why did I move us across the country for a career I may be doubting myself in a few years from now?
He reassured me things aren't always what they seem. That that makes me unique, and that there may be women out there who wished they were in my shoes.
To be honest it's hard to believe someone who has the "best/hardest" job in the world would want to switch places with someone who has a "difficult/not necessarily the best" job.
But I'm trying to keep my chin up. If there's anything I know about our relationship it's that everything has happened for a reason, and I'm sure things will continue to unfold that way. I just pray that one day--I can have the best of both worlds.
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