The Irony

It's taken me all night and every bit of strength to muster up the energy to write this post. The past week--Few weeks even, have taken me through a whirlwind of emotions. I went from wanting a baby badly, to being scared out of my wits, to visiting my GYN and removing the non-essential hormones from my body... To then again more fear and confusion, none the less excitement and desire.

...All the while I've been learning to cope with feelings of jealousy I have towards other women going through the same feelings of desire but experiencing different results.

Three close friends of mine had pregnancy scares this past week.. Two of which are my very best friends--Both are in exact opposite positions. One wants a child badly (but is experiencing the same husband struggles I am) and the other wants nothing to do with a baby right now--In fact, she told me she'd catch up to me on my second or third kid.

You may remember her... My best friend from this post. Yesterday we talked and she told me she was late. I told her to buy a test, call me the second she knew, and jokingly said she may even beat me in having the first kid.-- When I got the text message today that said "OMG. Well God certainly has a sense of humor," I thought she was kidding but I knew she wasn't.

Now here I am going through a whole new whirlwind of emotions. I'm SO happy for her but I wish I was in her place. I'm mad at myself for wanting to be in her place and for wanting to get pregnant RIGHT THIS SECOND because I feel like that would be irrational... Out of jealousy--Selfishness--"Keeping up with the Jones"... Whatever, but all WRONG!

...But then part of me feels like it's not wrong. I DO want a child I'm just trying to figure out a few things first... And I feel like even if I DID do it now, BECAUSE some of my friends are pregnant I may wonder where my real intentions reside--It's one big internal confusing mess.

It's so easy to think "Leave it alone... You're not mentally stable, or ready, just give it some time." But I feel like this same cycle is going to keep happening to me forever--And no matter how long I wait, SOMEONE is going to be pregnant and I'm just going to feel that way regardless.-- Childish I know, but for some reason I had dreamed I'd be pregnant alone in the world... Or at least first in a bunch, and not feeling like a "copycat."

... Wow, when did I start to care so much about what other people think?

I'm sad because I feel like I'll never have the experience of an "unexpected pregnancy." I'm only going to experience the frustrating anxiety... The never ending countdowns--calenders-- Hopeful tests. I'm not very organized but I'm a huge planner. Friends in college joked with me about my life's plans. I always had it all mapped out the way I wanted it to go--Even now I'm trying to "stick to the plan," but all the while secretly praying the Lord intervenes and surprises me a little early.

I honestly don't feel like anyone can really "get me" right now. I don't think people understand how hard of a transition it is... But I can't possibly be the only woman in the world stuck between wife and mother--Scared to go down the road with no return. It's SCARY! I try to put on a happy face around my husband--Knowing if he sees my fear it's never going to happen. But I'm terrified too. And it's worse knowing no matter how much preparation I'll never really be ready. --That's what everyone keeps saying.

I'm not TTC so I can't complain right?--That's what people think.--I can't complain because I haven't been unsuccessful with conceiving yet... I haven't experienced a miscarriage, or a loss--But somehow I feel like I'm losing part of myself along this difficult journey.

Perhaps that's a part of the territory. Maybe I'm losing a little while I'm gaining a lot, but right now I can't see through my tears, I can only see confusion, only feel angry, scared, sadness.

I feel like I'm right at the edge of the double dutch game, not quite ready to jump in, but not about to run off and keep playing hopscotch either. Lately I'm actually finding comfort in my limbo state. I'm a planner... I like to know what I'm getting myself into and I really ENJOY planning--I don't mind revisions. And while I'm slowly being tortured in my middle-ground it's almost becoming a pleasant pain... Call me a masochist. Maybe the longer I wait the better it will feel. Maybe the pain will fade and I'll only feel the pleasure.

My best friend told me I could hurry up and catch up with her but there are two things in my way... 1. My period and 2. I have to wait until June for a girl-- There I go with my planning again. When will I ever learn?