The Selfish Fear

This is a very difficult, extremely sensitive topic to blog about. I'm almost ashamed to write it. It's something I've been thinking about, pondering over, dwelling on for the last couple of years.

I talk a lot of smack when it comes to the gender I want my first child to be. I go back and forth between wanting a boy or a girl first, but I really want twins being both genders. I'd pay money for that outcome... Oh yea, I've researched this. I also talk a lot of smack when it comes to deciding "when" to have a baby... As if it's all in my hands. But the more I discussed it with friends and family, the more I'd hear the phrase "healthy baby." That's what everyone really wants and what so many people take for granted.--I for sure sound like one of them.

I always just assumed I'd have healthy babies, and that I'll get pregnant whenever I want to. That had never been a question, a thought that crossed my mind. But we don't always choose those things do we?

A couple of years ago a friend of mine had a baby. She was completely healthy the entire pregnancy, she exercised often, ate well and was healthy before and during her pregnancy. There were complications during delivery and her baby has brain damage.

One of my best friends told me she wanted to have a baby last year. I didn't understand the rush but was excited that she and her husband were ready to try. She told me when she found out she was pregnant but a few weeks later she miscarried. Miscarriage--I never really knew what that meant until I was married. A woman I worked with had recently had a miscarriage. I remember talking to her about it an a painfully casual way. I'm sure I wasn't nearly as sincere or respectful as I should have been. I just didn't understand the "big deal". I didn't understand that feeling of a loss and had no idea what it was like to lose something that was wanted so badly.. A child. I still can't begin to understand how that must feel, I can only imagine, and it scares me.

My best friend conceived again, but a few months into the pregnancy she found out her baby had a rare disease. And wouldn't live long after birth--If he even lived that long. My heart went out to her. I was completely taken aback and I learned a lot from her in her journey. She and her husband grew so much spiritually and I admired their strength.

Since then I've been noticing more women I'm close to expressing their challenges with fertility problems, miscarriages, and children with disabilities or special needs. I've never been more frightened to have a child.

I've heard women express their frustrations with others about how hard it is on them, and how difficult it is hearing stories of other women who easily conceive, or have the "oops" story, while they themselves have been trying for months, even years with no luck!

I'm scared that will be me. I'm terrified that when I finally AM ready to be a mother I won't be able to. Wost of all, I'm scared I'll have a child with a disability, mostly because I'm scared I won't be able to handle a situation like that, and I worry my fears will give me exactly what I'm afraid of.

I've gone as far researching embryonic procedures that allow couples to see if their child will have disabilities before implantation (yea, it's that bad).

It's hard for me now to keep from being jealous of my happily spawning friends when as far as I know I'm perfectly capable of having my own (just not trying to). I can only imagine how green I'd turn when I'm trying to have one and can't. I don't know if I could deal with that, if I could be as strong as many of the women I've read about... As many of you have been.

Call me stupid, call me selfish, call me whatever you want but I'm being more honest than ever when I say that I'm scared and I don't know if I'd be able to handle it.


I'm entering this in Scribbit's October Write Away Contest