The Quest

Life is a quest. A never-ending journey to learn priorities and find happiness. This whole blog has been my quest toward motherhood... What also sometimes seems like a never-ending journey. Just when I think I've got a timeline down a wrench is thrown in the plans. I didn't think it would come to this but I'm about to throw my dear husband under the bus.

Yes, I've been one to go back and forth with my own desires for when I want to have kids but he's for the most part been consistent... With a consistent "no" that is. "Not now." "Not yet." When we first got married we said 5 years would be our goal, we're on our fifth year now and it's still not feeling like a reality. Ok.. so we have until December to make up our minds but really... Is a few months going to make THAT much of a difference?!

Nothing makes me more jealous than being at church and seeing all of the happy families. I really didn't know I was capable of such mixed emotions. Nothing makes my mood swing faster than seeing young families at church. They use to just be normal to me, almost seem annoyingly perfect sometimes, but now I just get insanely jealous. Not because they seem "happy" because I think we're as happy as any normal couple-- we have our good days and our bad days--But because the husbands seem so happy, so proud to be a husband, a dad, and seeing them look at their children with those adoring eyes makes me want to cry, and punch my husband. Ok, not really... But kind of. I also get so jealous when my friends tell me how their husbands are begging them for babies... Oh how I would trade them in a second!

I can't help but think "Why can't you be more like that?" I know it's so wrong to ask, and I'd never ask him like that, but I wonder. It makes me think I'm not doing something right, but I don't know what else to do. I am working, enjoying my job, am done with school (for now) I feel ready to grow our family, and it's hard for me to understand why he's not.

We both have our lists of things we'd like to do before we have kids, but his is a little more ambiguous. It's always evolving and changing, and growing. Just when I think we've got a goal of a timeline in place we somehow end right back at square one... As if we'd never talked about having kids before. Trying to pin down a timeline is like trying to hit a moving target... And every so often I just feel like saying "forget it!" and then going and getting my tubes tied out of spite.

Maybe it's because I'm not giving him a chance to achieve his goals... Maybe I'm just being selfish.

I know the thought of being a parent is scary to him... Who is it not scary for? I just don't know what to do to ease him into the idea more. I've tried encouraging, hinting, showing him cute baby pictures, asking him to pray about it, begging and even backing off completely.

I understand nothing in life comes easy, and it takes two to tango, but damn, this is pissing me off!

I Should Have Listened to My Mom

It was almost my 11th birthday, and I just knew I was getting a new bike. I told my friends exactly what it was going to look like, how big it was going to be, and how excited I was to ride it around the neighborhood. When my birthday came and went and I didn't get that bike, I was not only heartbroken, but embarrassed. What made matters worse is when my friend got the exact bike I wanted for her birthday.

I was 11 when my mom taught me a lesson I'll never forget... Don't brag about something until you have it. At least that's how I interpreted it, though she didn't tell me in that exact way.

Last year a woman working on a new website for women (I'm not going to mention any names) approached me and asked if I'd blog for her, tweet for her, and promote her site, and in turn be their "Future Mama" which they'd pamper with gifts like baby monitors, strollers, nursery decor, and more.

I was emailed pictures of the three choices for baby monitors and asked to tweet about it and promote it on my site to get people to vote for which one I should get. Really, I didn't care, they were all fancy and great, and I was grateful to be getting one.

A couple of months after that it was the same thing, but with strollers... But not just any old stroller, a BOB stroller. Kind of like a Lexus of strollers. A stroller my husband and I wouldn't be able to get unless we scrounged and saved, donated blood plasma, then sold one of our cars... Ok not really, they're not THAT expensive, but they're really nice, and I was so excited and grateful to be getting one. So, I once again blogged, and tweeted, posted on Facebook and everything else to get people to vote for which of three BOB Strollers I should "win." It's what she asked me to do in turn for getting it. And really... Who wouldn't do some promotion in turn for a $400 stroller? Over the course of the voting I got a mix of responses from "Man, I wish I could have one" to "Ooh, I'm getting one of those." The latter comment immediately reminded me of my mom's words of wisdom, and I had a gut feeling things weren't going to end as I hoped.

Like with the monitors, the contest ended and I got nothing. I've communicated with the woman behind the site, and while my monitors should be coming this week, BOB apparently fell through... Or maybe never was, who knows!

So... After months of guest blogging, tweeting, video chats and promoting I'm back to square one, yes, a little ticked, but mostly disappointed.

I cried this morning when I got an email response saying I wasn't getting the stroller, and my husband (just wanting to stop the tears I'm sure) told me not to worry, we'd get a stroller... He said we'd get a BOB but that's before he knew how much they cost.

Now don't get me wrong. We are UNBELIEVABLY blessed to seriously only have this ONE thing missing from our baby checklist... As a matter of fact, I have enough baby wraps and carriers to where we quite possibly don't even really NEED a stroller. But it's poor Snoop I worry about... I promised him I'd take him for jogs once Lil' J was born but that will just be hard without a stroller. Just look at his face!So... I'm browsing Craigslist now looking for baby strollers but I have no idea what kind to start with. I initially was obviously thinking "jogging" and I was going to buy an adapter for our Graco baby infant car seat so it could snap in when she's small. I like the idea of being able to go running with a stroller, and one that can also even stand trails and such since there's a lot of that around where we live.

I found this one on craigslist for $225. Much cheaper than the $400 retail.I've heard pluses and minuses about the... I forget what they're called, but the big strollers that the car sear just pops in, and they fold up... I think I heard they're heavy or something, I dunno.

So what kind of stroller would you recommend? Would you get one of Craigslist or is that considered "unsafe"? How much did you pay for yours?

I'm a stroller novice but I've relearned a life lesson from my mom, and a new lesson about social media... Don't promote something until you have it.