The Free Gift

Obviously, I have the baby itch right now. I go through phases and currently my phase is "on" for having a kid! Well, since that's not going to happen for a while I've decided I'll help treat my baby bug with other people's babies, and I've offered free babysitting to all of my friends at work. I also believe this will be good practice.

Here's the email I sent to people I know have kids:

**Free Babysitting**

Hello!

If you're getting this email it's because you have a cute kid (or one on the way).

I want you to know that I am at your service if you ever need a baby sitter. I LOVE kids!

Now you may be thinking "who are you to watch my kid?" But let me tell you... I have LOTS of experience. I worked in daycare for 3 years (I worked with infants for a about 6 months, 3-year-olds for about a year and one-year-olds for the rest of the time). I also was a nanny for about 6 months and I am the oldest of 5 kids, (the youngest is 3 years old).

I (and if my husband's not working him too) will watch your kid(s) while you go out and have fun! I'm available all day Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday-Friday nights.

You can bring him/her/them to my house or I can go to yours! Just try to give me a at least a day's notice. My personal cell number is...

References available upon request!

Hopefully I don't seem too desperate and/or INSANE!

The Namesake

What would you do if there was someone in your family you loved dearly who wanted you to name your child after them? If the name is a nice name, or a name that's "with the times" that's probably not a problem right? But what if the name is something you absolutely are not a fan of?

My family has a mixture of "normal" and "unique" names. There's Johns, and Richards and... well, that's about all of the common ones in my extended family. I have grandparents named "Ronald" and "Siebra." My mother's and grandmother's names are "Joy." My mom I guess wanted to give all of me and all of my siblings the VERY NORMAL (almost too common) names and gave us: Jennifer, Heather, Michael, Lauren and Kimberly. But trust me, I'd take that over any of the latter.

My dad goes by DJ but his birth name--Are you ready for this?... Dyke.

I love my grandpa, and I want to name a child after him, but "Ronald" isn't my first choice in names.

What would you do if someone in your family wanted you to name your child after them but the name wasn't... Let's say it wasn't one of your top choices. Would you still do it?

The Mommy Moment of the Month Pt2

Well, continuing in my tradition I just started last month I'm doing the second Mommy Moment of the Month- this time for December!

I can't imagine what it's like trying to get 3 kids under five ready for church every Sunday. Tyne does is every week! It's hard enough trying to get MYSELF ready and to church on time. I'm not sure if every Sunday is a battle like this with breakfast, screaming kids and flaming popcorn (I sure hope not). But one thing's for sure... Any mom that can go thorough all of this and STILL make it to church (with the whole family) deserves a medal!

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The Sanctuary has Come Undone!

Crushed red pepper flakes, shards of glass, toothpicks... all just signs of the madness that was to come to my sanctuary on Sunday morning.

McClaine wakes, screaming at 7:30 am. My sweet husband retrieves McClaine and his siblings, that he managed to wake, and takes them all to the playroom so I can continue to sleep. Caleb can do this, he has a supernatural ability to sleep on our horribly uncomfortable couch, with three children crawling on top of him and that dang "Hot Dog, Hot Dog, Hot Diggety Dog" song blasting in the playroom. He has the safety gate up, I am sure, otherwise I would have been woken by more children than just Avery.

And she was so sweet and quiet when she came in, that I hardly woke from my sleep to nod incoherently, that she could heat up my corn bag in the microwave. People, I was nearly unconscious, that is the only reason why I gave my four year old daughter permission to put the sock filled with deer corn (that when microwaved for 2 minutes brings deep relief to my aching muscles) into the microwave. So I doze back to sleep, and Caleb continues to sleep through Little Einsteins.

12 minutes later I wake to the smoke alarm going off and what smelled like a movie theatre burning to the ground. I run out of the bedroom, frantic and disheveled, and find Caleb looking just as confused and dazed standing at the open microwave door wondering what in the heck exploded in our microwave. So he unplugs the microwave and I proceed to explain what I thought had happened.

8:20 am, we have a plan... I will take a quick shower and he will feed the kids breakfast so we can make it out the door to church on time. 8:28, I am out of the shower and hear Caleb yelling for me to help. Audrey's diaper had exploded, and apparently he needed assistance because he was making french toast and it was burning on the stove. French Toast, delicious, thoughtful and a HORRIBLE choice when you only have 35 minutes to get 5 people out the door. So I run into the kitchen in my towel, pull the pan off the stove top and pour three bowls of cereal while Caleb changes Audrey's diaper. Then I run back to my bathroom to dry my hair and put on my clothes.

Avery is screaming. Screaming. "Sit down, Audrey. You better sit down. Daaaaaaaaaaaddddddddddy, Audrey's standing up in her highchair. Daddy, Where are you?"

Great question. Where the heck are you and how hard is it to feed the kids three bowls of cereal? So I run again, hair half-dried, only in my undergarments into the kitchen to find...

AUDREY STANDING ON THE HIGHCHAIR TRAY! One foot dangling on the edge, clapping her hands at her proud accomplishment of escaping the straps, the tight tray and climbing on top of the slippery tray 4 feet above our tile floor. I grab the crazy toddler and proceed to run around the sanctuary looking for Caleb. I finally found him out in the back driveway and gave him the look of a crazy woman, "What are you doing?"

"I am trying to extinguish your corn bomb!"

Apparently, when Caleb closed the microwave, it continued to smolder, and smolder, and smolder. When he noticed that smoke continued to spill from the microwave, he took it out. Immediately the oxygen aroused fire, so he threw it out in the back driveway, where the winds caught the mild flames and it combusted into a huge corn bomb. All the while, Audrey is attempting new acrobatics over our tile floor.

9:17, all three children dressed, loaded in their car seats and the White Family leaves their little sanctuary, smelling like they barely escaped a popcorn volcano, to go worship the Lord at a more peaceful and fresher smelling sanctuary...

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See the story on her blog here.

I'm looking for a January post! Let me know if there's one I should check out!
Once again, since I'm not even a mother myself and this blog is about ALL types of motherhood (pre, to-be, one-day, and actual) I'll look at blogs from my friends who may not be mom's yet either, because those stories are just as great!

The Baby Sibling

Being the oldest of five children has it's ups and downs. Growing up the phrase "take your sister with you" was the last thing I wanted to hear, but now I have the cutest 3-year-old sister that just melts my heart!

My other siblings are cute too... Heather, 19; Michael, 14; and Lauren 11. I can't help but talk to the youngest three like they're all 3-years-old. Michael frequently asks me "why do you talk to me like I'm a baby?" I can't help it! They're all cuter once I'm out of the house, married and have a family of my own. The old phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder" rings true in my case.

Kimberly, the youngest I know the least. I was married before she was born. Our first few encounters she was almost scared of me. She didn't want me to hold her, come near her, hardly look at her! It took a couple of years for her to really warm up to me and now... I'm her favorite :o)

I was on the computer the other day chatting with my family through the voice monitor when out of nowhere I hear Kimmie say "I wan go wit Jenn Jenn." I wanted to cry! Not only that but when Heather was jokingly calling me dumb or something like that, Kimberly jumped in and said "No, be nice. Be nice to Jenn Jenn" then "Mine... My Jenn Jenn."

I don't get to see my family as much as I'd like but when my siblings come visit my dad in Dallas this summer I'm hoping I can steal my little sister for a few days and get some practice watching a little one 24/7... Wonder how that'll go.

The Biracial Children--My Worries

My children will be biracial. They'll have me-Their black mother and my husband-Their white father.

In this day and age I like to think that won't be as big of an issue as it was in years past but every now and then I wonder.

I grew up in the South. In my ward none of the young men asked me out. Older women told me it was because they were intimidated. "You're so beautiful," they'd tell me. But deep down I knew the real reason why.

At stake dances I usually did all of the asking. I never thought much of it since I was the one with the outgoing personality, but looking back something was... Off.

I remember one guy named Doug. One of my best friends dated him on and off for a few months. He wore a confederate flag ring on one of his fingers. He also frequently wore T-shirts with confederate flags printed on them... As if he wanted to scream to the world he was a racist.

He liked me... As in I was his girlfriend's best friend so he would put up with me, talk to me and occasionally dance with me probably just to make her happy. "Black people are 'this or that,'" he'd say. "But you're different."

What do you mean I'm different? I don't talk with an accent or wear saggy jeans? Hello, that's called a stereotype not a formula for an entire race.

I had a crush on one guy in my high school for years. We were very close friends. I set him up with numerous dates with my other friends and we could tell each other anything. He wanted a girlfriend, I wanted to be his girlfriend. But one day after school he told me why that wasn't possible. "Because you're black," he told me point blank.

This isn't meant to be an "Oooh poor me" post because as I grew up through the years I interacted with and dated all types of men. I found "the one" for me, and he happens to be white.

My husband and I share the exact same beliefs as far as racial issues apparent today. He doesn't pretend to understand what I've gone through but he knows it's out there. Neither of us can stand racism and we've learned to stand together as a team and defend our relationship when necessary. We share the same religious beliefs, cultural beliefs and most importantly... Music taste.

The LDS church does have a dirty history when it comes to Blacks. I don't understand all of it and I'm not going to go into all of it. All we know is that if we were able to get married in an LDS temple and receive those blessings than our relationship--Our marriage IS ok.

I think know some people in the LDS church teach that dating outside of your race is "not recommended." No lie, it's in the manual of the "LDS Marriage and Family Class." (I think we should all ban together to get that taken out but that's another story.) I know people who have been so upset about this they've doubted, even left the church. Obviously my husband and I didn't care about that lesson because we're married today. I however, do worry for my children. We won't teach our children that "recommendation". Not only would that be hypocritical, in my opinion that would be WRONG.

Besides, if that were how it were supposed to be who is an interracial child to date? Only interracial people?

I worry especially that my daughters will face the same challenges I faced growing up, but won't deal with it as I did. I was able to brush it off my shoulder while other Black women hold a grudge, or get very upset. I can't completely put myself in their boat because I did meet my husband while attending a "Mormon college", and married him six months later. I didn't know it then, but I was an EXTREME minority.

I worry my sons will have a hard time finding women to date because their parents don't want their daughter child "dating a black boy."

I hope as my children grow up they meet other children who are taught to have friends of all races, and date people of all nationalities. Besides, religion, career, personality... Those are all things you can choose. You're born your race.

I don't want my children to grow up wishing they looked "more like daddy" or like their white friends. I want them to be proud of who they are, and proud to be brown. Most of all, I hope others around us are accepting and open minded enough to see people for more than just the color of their skin.

I know a lot of people who have adopted children out of their race... Adopted black children. (I can make that a whole new topic) but I'm curious to know your opinions on the matter, regardless of your child's skin color. Would you care if your child dated outside of your race? Your religion?

My beliefs on Blacks in the LDS Scriptures.

The Trip That Could Change My Life

Ok maybe I'm being a little mellow dramatic. Did I say next week in my previous post? My bad! Cause I meant this Saturday!! I'm going on a cruise with my husband. We're going to the Caribbean. I've been looking forward to this for years! It's a 7 night cruise. The reason I say it could change my life is because I think this could be a determining moment where I decide whether I'm loving the life without kids and want to travel and focus on my career for a little longer... Or that I love seeing all the cute families together on the ship and yearn for that "family completeness."

I've completed my shopping, including a different bikini (oh scandalous I know, but might as well enjoy my hot body while it lasts) for each day, and a nice dress for dinner each night. Saying I'm excited would be an understatement. My bags are already packed and I am so ready for this, I'm just really interested in knowing how I'll feel about a family when I come back.

Right now I'm really in a complacent mood. I'm feeling "what's the rush?" I mean really, I've met a lot of great women who waited until they were in their 30s to start having children and their kids are healthy, and they have more time to spend with them. Lord knows I've had my money struggles, but most of all I want to have the time to spend with my kids and sometimes time = money. And for the record, I love my career but not enough to put in before my family. I know I'll never have "enough money" either but it's not about career or money as much as it is about me feeling young and not quite mentally stable ready (which you may be grasping from some of my earlier posts).

But we'll see what happens. I really don't feel compelled one way or another right now. I still love browsing through the baby section but I don't feel the urge I normally feel. I just feel... Fine.

I'm finding it's really nice being able to express my feelings about the matter here. Being open and honest about it has really given me a chance to stop and think things through.

I'm excited for this trip, and I'm excited to see how I feel about this whole child situation when I get back!

The Jealous Factor

Some of my friends here in Austin don't believe I have lots of friends who are married with kids but I dedicate this blog to the proof. And they make me sick! Ok... Not really but look...

Take Exhibit A for example. This is my friend Kristen and her family. Her little boy is 2 years old and such a cutie! Don't they look like they're living a life of bliss.

Exhibit A

Now let's look below to Exhibit B. Tanya and I have been friends since high school. She moved into my ward a long long time ago and we've keep in touch since. Now mostly through blogging. I remember when she told me she was pregnant with this little one and now #2 is cooking. Young, beautiful, mom.

Exhibit B

Just when you think it couldn't get any better we're brought to Exhibit C. The Cooks. I worked with Jamie while attending BYU. She was the cutest pregnant TV show host you'd ever see! I was one of her successors but I don't think my belly ever looked as adorable as hers.Exhibit C

Mind you all of these women are 25 or younger! So my Austin friends, you can stop makin' me feel like I'm the only young person in the world crazy for getting married young and contemplating spawning.

Oh and trust me, there's more where that came from, here's a few more:

And really, it doesn't end! I'll just stop now so I don't seem like a complete picture stalker psycho.

Is it just me or does youthful spawning automatically give you a gorgeous aura?

The Family Tree--A Sad Revelation

Last summer I had the opportunity to stay with my great-grandfather in Atlanta, GA. He just turned 90 last month! How often to grown people still have great-grandparents alive? I think it would be really cool if we have a child while he's still around and he'll have his first GREAT-great-grandchild! Wouldn't that make a great picture?

Well last summer while I was staying with him he told me a lot about all of his children, and "my mother" as he'd call her but he really meant my grandmother (his daughter).

I wrote down a story he told me the day it happened because it was so powerful to see him, a 90 year old man, still grieve over his children.

May 9th, 2007

Dear Diary,

Since being here and talking with my great-grandpa I've been able to put two and two together about some things finally. It's like playing connect the dots. I can take all of the stories I learn about my grandmother's childhood, and before she was born, and stick it to everything she's told me, and everything I already know about her in her adult age.

Not many people get to hear first-hand stories about their grandparents growing up as rebellious children from THEIR parent's perspective. I swear my great-grandpa could go on for days about his life. Today I heard a few shocking stories. One being how he remembers his mom having to sand down their floors so he and his siblings wouldn't get splinters playing on the hard wood floors.

His wife of forty years passed away nine years ago. "She was the love of my life" he tells me. This was his second wife. His first wife and he split after ten years of marriage. His children all have grandchildren, and none of them visit him much. So he's pretty much a lonely man with a lot of stories bottled up. I woke up this morning and I had planned on going back up to the station to edit a story together for my tape. I wasn't planning on staying at home for long, and I was working on my paper resume when he came in.

Loving his company, and knowing he loves mine, I started to show him pictures on my computer. I was showing him some pictures of a dog show I went to and it reminded him of the dog he had. So he brought in a box, full of pictures of his family. They were all in frames. The box also had about 20 empty frames at the bottom. He said he planned on putting every one's picture in each frame but he hasn't gotten around to it yet.

I saw a picture of one of his sons—my great uncle. I knew he had died but I didn't know how. I never knew how my older relatives died, and I really never cared that much until this summer. I had always just assumed they were old.

"How did he die?" I asked. This is becoming a common question of mine. I immediately knew talking about this death wasn't going to be easy. I could tell by the look on his face.

He told me he wasn't sure if he should tell me. He didn't know if my grandmother would want me to know. I was beginning to wonder if I really wanted to know. But my curiosity got to me.

"Is it scary?" I asked. He nodded.
"Did it have to do with a car accident?"
"No," he replied.
"Does it happen to do with devils?"
"What?" He looked at me confused.
"Devils?... Was he possessed?" I added.
"No," he told me. I was happy then. I could handle just about anything
else. But then I thought of one other possibility.
"Was he murdered?" I asked again.
"Maybe," he replied. "I'm just going to let you read the article."

I knew this was going to be hard for him so I told him I didn't have to know. He told me he would go out of the room if he had to. He handed me the newspaper article. "DEATH WISH--HE KILLED THAT HE MIGHT BE KILLED" the headline read. I read on... The article described the horrible day when my great uncle shot and killed his mother, a man working in his home and a bank teller. He also shot his step-father. Then a SWAT team member shot and killed him while he was in the bank. The article said it was his death wish. It said he was a loner, not very social, and instead of doing a private suicide he did this. I was so sad.

"Do you know why this happened?" I asked my great-grandpa. Stupid question I know.
"No," he told me.

He went on to explain how he had been a part of a sort of black panther group but came back and was always really quiet after that. Growing up he had lived with his grandmother (one of my great-great-grandmothers). He told me how he was just down the street when this happened and he didn't even know it was going on. Another one of his sons called him and asked if he knew what was going on. He didn't, and so he told him to sit down and explained what happened.

I was still in shock.
"Wow, that's so sad," I thought out loud. "He killed his mother."
"I know I shouldn't keep these things," my great grandpa started. And he
started to cry.

I hugged him and told him it's ok. I really didn’t know what to say. I had just learned of a secret my family has kept from me my whole life. But not only that... Just knowing that my 88 year-old great-grandpa has four children and he's already outlived half. One just died of cancer, another I'm told, seems to be irresponsible an immature (although he's 65) another is my grandmother who lives across the country in Nevada, and the last killed his own mother and then himself.

It's very rare you see a grown man cry. And this was hard for me to bear. My great-grandpa seems to be a happy man, "especially since you're here" he tells me. I decided to take the day off and hang out with him all day.

I can't imagine what it must have been like to have a life changing experience such as he did. I guess children are entirely life-changing miracles bringing the bad in with the good.

The Love Factor-- Things I'm Going to Miss Part 3

Well, it's Valentines Day. Happy Valentines Day! And I figure it's a good time to pose a question and concern I've been thinking about.

As I was babysitting two young girls last night so their parents could go out and celebrate Valentines Day, I thought how grateful I am that at a drop of a hat my husband and I can do whatever... Go out, make dinner together... And so on.

I got my dog Snoop last year for Valentines Day and I noticed how having a small puppy around kind of affected... Routines we'll say. It really bothered me. Eventually I got over it and things went back to normal but it was quite annoying at the time.

I think it's so important to continue to have couple time together, date nights and time to... Ya know, practice making babies and stuff.

It just seems that once kids come along that priority goes to the back burner for some, or it just becomes more difficult. What in the world do you do to fix that? Get ear muffs? Sedate the kids? Drive away and leave them for a night and hope they survived through the next morning?

I was reading a parenting magazine last night (funny I know, but it was just sitting there on the table ok?) And one of the articles was about women being angry at their husbands for not helping around the house, turning off the lights, understanding their children etc. To me it just seemed a little ridiculous and like a bunch of depressed and nagging women. I don't want that to happen to me!! I still want to be a happy woman and wife, as well as a happy mom. Some of the women complained that their husband's drive to have a love life went down and I kind of judgmentally thought 'Boy I wonder why!' That article is a discussion for a whole different topic but I'll use that part for example's sake.

Do you try to keep date nights together? How often? Right now every night is literally like a date night with me and my Boo and I wonder if it'll be a hard transition when we lose that one day.

This year we're keeping the holiday low key. I want a heart-shaped pizza from Papa Murphy's, some chocolate covered strawberries (my favorite) and a movie to snuggle up and watch. What are your plans?

The First Grandchild

Ok can I be a little honest about my selfishness right now? ...Never stopped me before.

Alright, well one thing I think about a lot when it comes to having kids is timing. But this isn't always in regards to how old I am and how ready am... That's a given. The timing I'm talking about is in regards to when I have kids in relation to my (/our) siblings.

My husband and I are both the oldest children and we were the first to get married out of our siblings and we could be the first to have kids (aka grandkids). Sometimes (actually most times) I think that I want to be the first to have grandkids for our parents (aka grandparents).

There are many reasons for this. For one... I think the first always has a special place in grandparents' hearts. I know I was the favorite (or did they just tell that to each of their grandkids?) and while it's not always fun to be the oldest child, being the oldest grandchild is kind of cool. They are the first part of the next generation of posterity. I mean common, the sacrifice was always the "first born" no one asked for the second or third! The oldest = coolest ok?! (Can you tell I'm the oldest child?) And while I think the oldest CHILD has it hard (babysitting, way stricter rules, no cell phone, allowance, curfew, and all those other things the younger siblings get away with, etc.), the oldest grandchild... Well, they pretty much have a sweet gig.

I however, do think that my expectations of having the coveted "first grandchild" could be a little overrated since we don't live close to either of our families. Therefore our kids won't be in close pampering proximity and even if they are the oldest, the others, who live closer could have a better opportunity to see the grandparents and get spoiled rotten.

Now on the other hand, if we didn't have kids first, I could get first hand, down right honest reaction on the whole parenting scheme straight from the trenches. It would be like an up-close, behind the scenes, exclusive interviews, uncut version of parenting. I'd witness how my siblings/ siblings-in-law handle it, and see how the grandparents react... Then learn what to do and no to do. Guinea pigs I guess you could call them.

Either way, the decision is completely selfish and could be beneficial one way or another. Now I just have to figure out which one is MORE beneficial. *evil laugh*

****
Nightly Notion
****

I babysat for a couple of hours this afternoon... The girls are cute and great but the parents parenting style I think is quite different than mine will be. I will not be a type-A mom. I will not be a type-A mom. More on this topic to come!

The Party is in THIS Hizzouse

Hello! Those of you visiting my blog for the first time, thanks to 5 Minutes for Mom's Ultimate Blog party ... My name is Jenn, aka Future Mama in this thing I like to call "bloggy land." I started this blog at the end of November last year. Although the title my blog "Baby Makin(g) Machine" may immediately make you think of the Octo-Mom, I'm not even close... I actually don't have ANY kids yet (well, not human ones, I have a 15-month old sharpei mix that's giving me good practice with poop and the likes). So I like to think of myself as a "Baby Making Machine" that hasn't been switched ON yet.

I'm a married woman. I've been married 4.25 years (Boo ya!) and I'm in my early-mid 20s playing with the idea of becoming a mother. Just when I think I'm ready I get cold feet and think of a few more things to tack on to my "baby bucket list."

Lately I'm thinking I am REALLY maybe almost possibly ready to take the parenting plunge for real this time. So I'm trying to get myself physically, mentally, and emotionally committed to the cause (oh and my husband too).

I know many of you visiting are either mothers or future mothers who may have asked yourselves some of the questions I'm asking right now: What should I do now that I may not get to do later? How should I choose a doctor? What medical things should I take care of before I try to get pregnant? What career adjustments should I expect to plan or make to help with the transition into motherhood? Is SAHM a job for me? WAHM? Or should I be a Suga Mama? Will I breastfeed... Wait, what it hurts?!!? WTF is Letdown? Should I have a home birth? Get the epidural? Or try to go for an orgasmic labor? Could Crunchy become my middle name?

You've seen mom blogs, and pregnancy blogs, but this is something a little different... Focusing on that stuff, but before that all happens... A Pre-Pregnancy blog, if you may. I'm forming opinions and ideas of what I hope and THINK I'll do when I get pregnant, or when I become a mother, but it'll be fun to see what I actually end up doing.

Some call my thinking premature, but I call it smart. I know you can never be really READY to change your life forever and become a mother, but I want to get as close as possible. I'm hoping women like you can share your secrets (really, tell me everything, even the nasty stuff they don't tell you beforehand), help me think of other questions, and find the answers as you follow me on my journey toward motherhood.

Oh but watch out... I ask difficult questions and post crazy findings, I don't hold back, I'm only just beginning and I'm loving every second of it!

So look around! A good place to start would be my by visiting my "popular post" section, oh and answer my poll to the right! You can also find me on Twitter: @babymakinmachin

I also have been getting a few giveaway sponsors lately. I have two contests going on right now here and here, and I'm probably going to post my third, and biggest one so far (valued around $100) sometime next week. So stay awhile, or if you're busy visiting other blogs in this awesome blog block party (I know I am), be sure to come again!

This post was brought to you because it was inspired by:


I'm trying to win some prizes like:
1. #58 – Kitchen Aid Artisan Stand Mixer, from Moms Who Think
2. #INTL 19 — $130 Sponsor spot on Tip Junkie, from Tip Junkie
3. #37 — Omron HJ-112 Digital Premium Pedometer, from Fat Loss Chronicles
I also would LOVE any of the rest of them, especially #s: USC 24, 27 (got a friend who needs this!), 15, 2, 50, 8, 19 (love Target), 21, 22, 26, USC47, USC48, and USC49 or basically anything babyish or jewelryish! Haha, it's hard to choose!

The Sleep (Or Lack Thereof)

Ok a lot of the crunchy ideas I'm learning about from women on the topic of my last post is REALLY interesting. Some of the things I'd NEVER heard of (eating the placenta? Waaaa!??!) and am not quite sure if it's all up my alley, but I'm getting lots of study and book recommendations on both sides that I'm excited to delve more into. My mom was a WAY SOGGY maybe liquid mom. I had regular disposable diapers, didn't breastfeed, got all sorts of shots, slept separate (I think) didn't get worn, and I don't think I've ever eating anything organic. I turned out ok didn't I?

Most of these options I won't have to worry about myself for awhile... Hey, I'm not knocked up yet. But I think it still makes for interesting conversation. The biggest debate I am most interested in right now is the co-sleeping issue.

My husband and I didn't sleep in the same bed before we were married, and it was pretty evident the first month or so. He'd wake up with bruises all over, once I even gave him a black eye. I would (and still kind of do) move around a lot when I sleep, toss and turn all over, and take him in as victim to my swings. Now we have a California king sized bed and he's pretty safe, when my dog jumps on the bed though, I usually kick him away from my side of the bed. I like the idea of co-sleeping but I worry about two things, one of them being killing my child.

Someone did make a point in saying you wouldn't roll over on your baby just like you wouldn't roll off the bed. That's a good point. I am scared of the edge of the bed... I can't have a finger, a toe hanging off (long story). So perhaps I wouldn't roll over on my child. But even if my child is able to escape my sleeping wrath, what if my husband makes up for it? It seems like it would make breastfeeding easier, but really... I think I'd be scared to accidentally kill my child the first night, I may do a bassinet near the bed or something for awhile.

The other question I had about co sleeping, which an anonymous commenter and Joy brought up. So... When do ya do it? Ya know? The freeky deeky. I know the time for lovin' goes down when you have a kid (at least that's what I hear, I sure hope not) but it seems like it would go WAY down if your kid(s) is in the bed with you! And what if they're older, as in not babies, and sleeping in your bed? Do you kick them out for a little while then bring them back? Or do you have to schedule intimate time during different times of the day?... Or is that just put on hold for awhile?

The answer to this question may answer if I could really do it or not!

The Quest

Life is a quest. A never-ending journey to learn priorities and find happiness. This whole blog has been my quest toward motherhood... What also sometimes seems like a never-ending journey. Just when I think I've got a timeline down a wrench is thrown in the plans. I didn't think it would come to this but I'm about to throw my dear husband under the bus.

Yes, I've been one to go back and forth with my own desires for when I want to have kids but he's for the most part been consistent... With a consistent "no" that is. "Not now." "Not yet." When we first got married we said 5 years would be our goal, we're on our fifth year now and it's still not feeling like a reality. Ok.. so we have until December to make up our minds but really... Is a few months going to make THAT much of a difference?!

Nothing makes me more jealous than being at church and seeing all of the happy families. I really didn't know I was capable of such mixed emotions. Nothing makes my mood swing faster than seeing young families at church. They use to just be normal to me, almost seem annoyingly perfect sometimes, but now I just get insanely jealous. Not because they seem "happy" because I think we're as happy as any normal couple-- we have our good days and our bad days--But because the husbands seem so happy, so proud to be a husband, a dad, and seeing them look at their children with those adoring eyes makes me want to cry, and punch my husband. Ok, not really... But kind of. I also get so jealous when my friends tell me how their husbands are begging them for babies... Oh how I would trade them in a second!

I can't help but think "Why can't you be more like that?" I know it's so wrong to ask, and I'd never ask him like that, but I wonder. It makes me think I'm not doing something right, but I don't know what else to do. I am working, enjoying my job, am done with school (for now) I feel ready to grow our family, and it's hard for me to understand why he's not.

We both have our lists of things we'd like to do before we have kids, but his is a little more ambiguous. It's always evolving and changing, and growing. Just when I think we've got a goal of a timeline in place we somehow end right back at square one... As if we'd never talked about having kids before. Trying to pin down a timeline is like trying to hit a moving target... And every so often I just feel like saying "forget it!" and then going and getting my tubes tied out of spite.

Maybe it's because I'm not giving him a chance to achieve his goals... Maybe I'm just being selfish.

I know the thought of being a parent is scary to him... Who is it not scary for? I just don't know what to do to ease him into the idea more. I've tried encouraging, hinting, showing him cute baby pictures, asking him to pray about it, begging and even backing off completely.

I understand nothing in life comes easy, and it takes two to tango, but damn, this is pissing me off!

The Talk Again

Alright, I didn't think I could go back to my scheduled topics without updating my real current problem at hand... Ok, problem may be a little harsh, it feels that way but to be PC I'll call it my dilemma.

You may have remembered "The Talk" from before... Well we have a lot of those lately. They basically all go the same way:
"Baby?"
"Not now"
"Why not?" (tears)
"Cause my school, job... blah blah blah"
(more tears)
"Ok well maybe sooner rather than later"
"When?"
"I dunno"
"In two months?"
"Sure" (under the condition that he gets so far in school and gets a part-time job, which in this economy isn't easy)

We actually had this exact conversation TWICE yesterday and when we got as far as:
"Baby?"
"No"
(TEARS)
He just started laughing at me and asked "Didn't we just have this conversation?"

And it's kind of the same cycle every month right now. I'm kind of just trying to keep my cool, and send our resumes for him in secret.

I did get so ticked that I applied to be an egg donor. 'If I'm not having my kids someone might as well' was my thinking process. And I'd get $7,000. I filled out all the forms but held the stamp after reading that in rare cases something will go wrong, my ovary will swell, nearly burst and possibly need to be removed. I was still in a state of belligerence, and completed the online portion of it anyway, but I decided to hold off on sending the mailed forms. The fact that my husband HATES the idea doesn't help any. It actually makes me want to do it more.

I know I'm not talking typing rationally, but it's ok... I know I'm just a little upset, and when this all blows over I'll come to my senses.

It's just that I can't help but feel like my invisible window of opportunity is closing. I have no way of knowing that it just feels that way. I hope I'm wrong, and that when we both feel right about it we'll actually BE able to produce spawn. Oh we'd better be... Cause Lawd knows if it takes a year or two I will not be a happy wife... No Siree, not after waiting five years.

Then again I kind of blame myself. Why in the world did I get an IUD? I did this on purpose. When I got it at 20 years old I thought 'I won't want to start trying until I'm at least 25' stick it in me! Who knew three years later I'd be plotting away to get it out. I can't help but feel like it would be SO much easier if I didn't have to plan a whole ordeal to get it out. It's a lot easier to stop taking a pack of pills.

Oh... Someone asked me how I got it since I didn't have any kids... I don't think it's a requirement, just a doctor preference, I've had my checked a bunch and it's still in there just fine :)

Anyway, I'm about to go to the dentist, one of my before baby makin' must do's. So while my husband is lollygagging around, and getting his shiz together to feel "ready" to make a baby, I'm one by one, crossing of things on my baby bucket list... And hopefully, sometime this year, we'll meet on the same page.

The Break

If you've been reading about my dilemma here and then the conversations here then you know what I mean when I say I've had a lot on my mind. I've come to terms with the fact that everything will work out. I think I want to address two ideas that were brought up in the comments section and wrap up my whiny rants and pull my husband out from under the bus.

First, on not using birth control, but not trying... Hubs is definitely not down for that... And while I wouldn't see it as actively "trying" I still would say it kind of is.. I mean, yea. I never really got that myself, when my friends would say they weren't on birth control but weren't trying for a baby. I guess it depends on the way you feel... If you don't care if you get pregnant either way, maybe it's not really a feeling of "trying" for a baby, but if you're disappointed when you get your visit from aunt flow, maybe deep down you are... Just a thought.

As for my mentioning of my invisible window of opportunity... I'm not talking about my age. I know I'm young, and technically should be able to make babies for quite some time. To be honest, it use to confuse and kind of upset me when young women would tell me they wanted to start trying ASAP because something may happen and they won't be able to later on. I didn't get why they would say something so--So, negative sounding. I'm not sure if it's a religious, cultural belief, or a wives tale that's been passed on, I have no idea what it is, and I don't think anyone can until they feel it themselves.

I don't feel like if I don't have a child NOW I may not ever be able to, but I do feel like now is the right time, but my strong impression of that feeling is diminishing and I'm not sure if it's because maybe it's not the time, or because the time is coming and going... This time. --Did all of that jibber jabber make sense? Basically, I know my feelings for wanting a child right now are beyond myself and my own feelings, I know that this time, it's much more than baby hunger or an urge.

Anyway, I'm not really trying to bring it up anymore, we'll come together on it eventually... The last thing I want to do us push him into something he really doesn't want and he resent me/our child for it. I couldn't really see that happening but ya never know! If one of us has to be miserable and depressed I'd rather it be me than him anyway. I may still get my IUD taken out soon though, a compromise we're debating (letting the hormones wear off while using a non-hormonal form of BC). We have a doctor's appointment next month, we'll see how that goes. Oh and I will mention that after dropping the subject, he has already brought up the conversation TWICE today. He says he really wants to have a child right now too but doesn't feel like it would be a responsible thing to do because we're not "financially" able. After just hearing him out I've decided to let it go for now. I still feel the way I do but I feel like he'll come around on his own if we're suppose to.

On a side note...I went to the dentist today and he said I have some work to get done... 13 cavities!! WHATEVER! Ok, no joke.. I think he's trying to rip me off. I went to the dentist 9 months ago and was told I had great teeth, no cavities! Oh, and I've only had 1 cavity in my entire life! Now all of a sudden I have 13? Not buying it! I'm going to get a second opinion... If I can figure out how that works. Either way I've gotta get that done beforehand right?

The Look Back

It's a little late because I work Sundays and I just HAD to share my excitement about cooking, but better late than never right?

Sometimes I don't think I'm ready for parenthood because I still act like a child myself. A perfect weekend for me would consist of watching at least one Disney movie and maybe a cartoon show or two. I love playing board games, and eating snacks like Mac and Cheese.

I often get nostalgic about the days when my sister and I would play with our Barbie dolls, dress them up and cut their hair. We even teased our little brother once and pulled off all of the heads on his power ranger action figured and switched them with the other super hero heads. It was mean, but it was fun.

One summer we got creative and turned our sleeping bags into sleds and drove them down the staircase. Karaoke and dress-up were commonly on our to-do-list. We loved to play! But you know what?--I still do.

It's a lot easier to entertain myself with the Internet at my hands, but I miss the good 'ol days of laughing at childish movies, and watching them over and over a million times.

I got a taste of this a couple of weeks ago. I watched Tarzan than Cinderella, then when my husband got home I made him watch Tarzan with me again cause he had never seen it before.

Have I mentioned I love Disney? I think I have... Once or twice. But really, I DO! I bought an entire DVD collection of EVERY Disney Classic (cartoon) movie from Snow White to Ratatouille (I just need Bolt and Wall-E). I can't wait to have kids and be able to share all of those movies with them. They may not like them as much as I did, but I sure hope it's a tradition I can pass on to my kiddos!

I love being around little kids cause I feel like it gives me an excuse to BE a kid again--An excuse to take me back. I don't want to feel like an old fart already. Is this why people say children keep you young? I hope that means becoming a mom will take off a few years for me. If anything it'll give me someone to watch those things with since right now getting my husband to watch them with me is like pulling teeth. And now that it's Easter season I'm sad that I don't have a little girl to dress up in a pretty dress, or a cute little boy to put in a suit.--Even worse, I don't have someone to decorate eggs with... It's not dying them alone (or with an unenthusiastic husband).

Same story at Halloween and Christmas time. I'm really looking forward to being young again through my children.--At the same time thought I'm hoping I'm not one of those crazy moms that tries to force my kids to do things I didn't get to do. We'll see how it works out.

What are other fun traditions you have with your kiddos? And do your kids keep you young, or make you feel old?

The Mind Games & Thoughts of My First Child

It's funny how the truth comes out when the tables have turned. After my post from a few days ago I've been thinking more and more about why I'm feeling this way and what I'm wanting to accomplish now, and trying to lay everything out on the table.

As I poured bits of my heart into my New Feelings post, I couldn't keep my feelings to myself/my blog. I told my husband I wanted to wait awhile before we try to have a baby and boy was I surprised at his reaction.

"Why?" he asked confused. And he asked a question I've been getting quite a bit this week since I posted the topic: "What about your blog?" I didn't realize I had so many real-life fans! Especially not my husband. But I told him like I've told everyone... This is about my journey; And a journey has a lot of twits and turns right?

I'm pretty sure he doesn't read my blog... If he does he's been pretty nice about not yelling at me for some of the things I've written. Anyway--I even told him about my drought.. My loss for topics because of the way I'm feeling about our future-first-kid right now and he gave me a couple of ideas. Can you believe it? Now not only is he trying to keep my blog alive he's giving me topics to write about! Oh, and it doesn't stop there... Since "the talk" he's been telling me about his dreams of us walking with a stroller, trips as a family, oh it's just not stopping. I'm not sure if it's reverse psychology (that wasn't my intention), the "cause I say so" mentality, or "now the truth comes out." Regardless, I'm not falling for it, nor am I amused it at the moment... (ok, maybe it's a little cute).

But speaking of our first child... A little while ago I wrote a letter to our first baby...I was thinking about him/her and wrote The first letter. And it was published today on My Brown Baby. You can read it here. I'd love to know what you think. I'm also entering this post into the Scribbit Write Away Contest for April. Wish me luck! I'll consider that my "real post" for today since this is a bunch of random randoms.

PS: Have you entered my newest Giveaway yet?

The Void

I've been trying to fill it for a few years--Ignore it. There's something missing--An emptyness inside that I can't wuite explain. I do have an idea of what it could be... But I'm worried it won't be my cure.

My core feels like a giant empty box that needs to be filled. I keep grabbing things... A degree, new job, a new home, a cute, happy and really really smart puppy... And stuffing them in my box. It begins to fill up, but quickly thereafter feels hallow again, almost as fast as it was filling up.

I can feel myself doing that again now. I'm trying to plan vacationss, goals, accomplishments. A trip to New York this fall, and a trip to some exotic island next year--Difficult to plan when there's a posibility of +1. My wants and needs are all jumbled up and I can't tell up from down.

There was a time, a month or so ago, when I just knew the time was "now"--Similar to the feeling I got when I knew I should marry my husband. It was comforting having that feeling, it brought with it strength to overshadow my intense fear of motherhood--Of leaving the world as I know it behind and welcoming a world that seems so hard to visualize.

I'm planning a another trip that's sure to help... A trip to a sanctuary, a place I haven't been in so long--Too long. A place I pray I'll get answers, and fill this void for awhile--A trip to the temple.

I'm not changing my mind this time, and I'm taking time off if need be. The schedules here are short, and there's limited times to go. But I'm not letting that stop me this time. The date-- No later than the 27th--Hopefully sooner. I will report.

The Way to Break the News

NO I'm not pregnant, I'm just getting prepared for that day which may come soon or one day far far from now I have no clue! Hey, that's what this blog is all about!

I know I threw out the topic before in this post of sharing baby makin' time (or TTC for some of you). It seemed like a lot of you didn't. I don't think I will either... It takes away the surprise you know? (But still... No, I'm not). But when the deed is done and you're with-spawn, when did you share the news?

I hear 3 months is the general guideline, just in case there's a loss. I can understand that, but at the same time that's 3 months excitement out the door!

I guess it depends how open I am to disclosing the ups and downs of my pregnancy. I know people who told everyone (announcing on Facebook) the moment they found out!! I think I'll be somewhere in between. I want to keep it secret for as long as I can so we'd have time to soak it in. Then leak the news to parents and best friends, then maybe once I begin to get phat (yes I spelled it that way on purpose) I'll tell people I work with. Oh, and I don't think I'll be able to help but leak the news here on my blog right away either--Well, after family is informed... It's my diary for goodness sakes, I can't help it if people read it! (If you work with me you'll be sworn to secrecy) Hmm, what would you do if you were me? And what did you do?

Ok and next important matter to discuss... HOW to tell. I've always thought it would be cute to think of a cute way to tell my husband and our parents but I know if I don't think of it WAY in advance I'll just blurt it out... Which is ok too but I think it would be fun to do something cute.

I'm not sure if he'll be the type to count down to the test date and want to know right away... I imagine he'll forget and I'll be the one alone with my count downs and tests, which is a better set up for a surprise. And what better way to share such exciting news than with a surprise?!

I've heard a few cute things like setting little shoes next to his shoes on the side of the bed. Leaving the test out for him to find. Michelle wrote a whole post with cute ideas!

I already know how I want to tell our parents! I'm not sure if they read my blog... Pretty sure they don't for the most part so I'll share ok?(and if you are reading don't peek!)-- I want to have a normal phone conversation with them, then when we're hanging up say "bye grandma" and hang up, and see how long it takes for them to call back. I dunno, it's an idea I heard of awhile ago and I thought it would be cute.

But other than that I have no idea where to start for ideas, and I'm kind of scared to even research any right now cause I may get too giddy and I don't need giddy right now... I need serious, level headed! So help me out! What did you do? Or what do you plan to do? What's the cutest idea you've heard?! Let's stock up!!

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And the winner of the Cloth Diaper Giveaway brought to you by DiaperKits.com is Lucky number Carrie of Make it Count! Woohoo! Get me your information!

I also have not one or two but THREE more giveaways coming up! So stay tuned!! And if you have something you're interested in sponsoring here for a giveaway email me at babymakingmachine@gmail.com

The Perfect Age Pt. 1 (RE-POST)

I'm still debating... And thinking a lot. I've got a lot of big, ginormous, questions and ideas on children swimming around in my head, but I'm amidst sorting them out right now and I'm not allowed to post them all (I'm sort of on censorship probation right now with you-know-who). All of these things have put me in a sort-of blogging lull, and I've decided to go on strike.

Just kidding... Kind of.

I'm doing my first ever re-post... Of something I wrote a few weeks after starting my blog. It's for those who are new (which is like all of you cause only like 2 people read my blog back then-- I was one of them). I was, as I am still now, debating a lot about "timing" and "age." Here is my original post, and below the second set of stars is my updated thoughts from today, 5 months later.

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Ok ok, obviously the time is different for everyone and from what I've hear you're never really "ready," but for the sake of my blog, humor me a little while I compare and contrast.

As of now I'm thinking I'll be in my 20s when I have my first child, but that has fluctuated over my four years of marriage. I have no intentions of being in my 40s but early 30s could be a possibility. Here are some interesting tidbits I learned from a very long article.

20s

-"Physically, the 20s are the ideal time for pregnancy," doctors say. Because your body is primed to handle the demands of carrying a baby.
-You're less likely to have pregnancy complications or babies with Down Syndrome.
-You can also grow up with your child (I'm personally not a fan of that idea, I can't imagine having a teenager before I'm 40... SCARY!!!
-Mentally: A lot of my (non-LDS) friends won't have kids yet, and I may have to put my career/advanced education on hold for awhile.
-Also, still relatively new in a marriage, we'd have to make sure we plan more time for each other.

Stories:

Carla (was 21)-The down side: Being a young mom means that it's hard not to be selfish about my time. I used to sleep in, read, or watch TV whenever I wanted and go out with friends any night I pleased. All these freedoms go away when you're a parent.

The good side: Bouncing back after pregnancies is easier when you're younger. I've gotten down to my starting weight after each one. Two weeks after I had Aliza I was in a bridesmaid dress.

I'm happy that my kids have young grandparents -- they're all in their 50s -- and seven great-grandparents. I'm always calling my mom and mother-in-law for advice

Samantha (was 25)- My career had been important to me -- I was just starting out and was very ambitious. But during my maternity leave, I realized that motherhood was what life was about for me right now.

My friends hadn't had kids yet. Some of my closest mom friends are women in their 30s and 40s whom I met in the neighborhood or at playgroups. They were eager to take me under their wing and share their wisdom.

There are times when Chris and I hear about all the wild things our single friends are doing and we're envious. But then something magical happens at home with our boys and we're reminded that we have such a full life to be thankful for.

30s

-At higher risk of developing certain complications. But the majority of healthy women still have uneventful pregnancies at this age. At age 35 there's 1/200 chance of having a child with Down Syndrome.
-More likely to have a C-section
-Mentally: I've had time for myself and my marriage, and I've accomplished some professional goals. This could give peace of mind if wanting to take a break to spend time with spawn.
-It'll be easier to find a support group of pregnant friends and get advice.

Stories:

Carol (was 30)- Good side: Financial stability -- we own our own apartment now, and we've got some money saved for Emily's education. It also meant that Emily doesn't have to compete with my career. I put so much time and energy into my job in my 20s that I felt like I was able to step back a little once I had her. I found a new position within the company that allows me to work at home sometimes, so I can spend more time with her.

Because we waited to have kids, our parents are all retired or about to retire, which means I get a lot of help! My parents-in-law watch Emily every day while I'm at work.

(apparently she had no down sides)

Erica (was 36)- I'm glad that I had time to be spontaneous, go out with friends, and travel before having kids -- it's a lot harder to get out of the house and do things when you have a baby. And I feel like I'm a better person for having had the experiences I did before having Lena. I just hope that she'll feel the same way and that she'll keep me young.

40s

-Having a baby in your 40s is common these days, and the majority of older mothers have totally normal pregnancies. Still, the risk of complications rises after age 40.
-This is crazy: If you're physically fit, eat well, and don't have preexisting health conditions such as diabetes or hypertension, your overall risk of other pregnancy complications isn't markedly higher than that of a woman in her 20s or 30s.
-The self-confidence and perspective you've picked up in your life may make you more patient in dealing with a demanding newborn.

Story:

Andrea (was 44)-Down sides: My friends' children are now in college, so I'm completely out of sync! They went through all the sleepless nights and playdates and pediatrician appointments years ago -- and I'm just starting. I honestly don't feel my age at all, but I realize that as I get older it's going to become more challenging.

I thought being older would mean that I'd be more prepared for motherhood. I was centered, had traveled extensively, had eaten in all the best restaurants, and had bought all the clothes I wanted. But honestly, the experience of the two of them brings me to my knees. I wouldn't have been more prepared at 144.

As of now I'm saying the perfect age is..... (Drumroll please)...... 30!! Not in 30s but 30. That'll give me another 7 years to get where I want to be in my career, hopefully have a Master's Degree, and I'll have been married for *gasp* 12 years!! -Do I think that'll happen? No, but as of today,that's my story and I'm sticking to it. (Ask me again tomorrow).

I'd love to hear your stories!! I'd love to see personal examples from people in 20s 30s and 40s! (Or opinions of why you'd prefer one over another).

-Also, if you'd like to read more about pregnancy in each age group here's a few more articles.

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Well, I'm not thinking 30 is my lucky age anymore... No, at this point I'll be happy if I make it to 25. Today I've got the baby itch more than ever. I may not be rich, or have the Lexus I always wanted (for awhile), but something's telling me I'll still be able to accomplish the things I want to... Maybe even more so with a little one.

I don't think it'll be easy, but I think it'll be possible. And I think that's what I want. Motherhood won't take the ambition out of me... Like I always imagined it would, I think that's in my blood, and no magic number, small or large will change me.

Did you like the age you were when you became a mother? Future Mamas... What age are you currently in love with?