The Free Gift

Obviously, I have the baby itch right now. I go through phases and currently my phase is "on" for having a kid! Well, since that's not going to happen for a while I've decided I'll help treat my baby bug with other people's babies, and I've offered free babysitting to all of my friends at work. I also believe this will be good practice.

Here's the email I sent to people I know have kids:

**Free Babysitting**

Hello!

If you're getting this email it's because you have a cute kid (or one on the way).

I want you to know that I am at your service if you ever need a baby sitter. I LOVE kids!

Now you may be thinking "who are you to watch my kid?" But let me tell you... I have LOTS of experience. I worked in daycare for 3 years (I worked with infants for a about 6 months, 3-year-olds for about a year and one-year-olds for the rest of the time). I also was a nanny for about 6 months and I am the oldest of 5 kids, (the youngest is 3 years old).

I (and if my husband's not working him too) will watch your kid(s) while you go out and have fun! I'm available all day Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday-Friday nights.

You can bring him/her/them to my house or I can go to yours! Just try to give me a at least a day's notice. My personal cell number is...

References available upon request!

Hopefully I don't seem too desperate and/or INSANE!

The Job

I have a pretty cool job. Yea, I work as a reporter, which is pretty cool when you consider that I get to do something different every day. Well, I told a few of my friends at work about my blog and let me tell you word spreads fast! I didn't know half the people at work knew I had this thing.

Some of you readers may be thinking "Uh oh... Ooooh....Remember you talked about strippin?... Or getting your whoohaa waxed?!" But ya know what? I'm not a private person (if you haven't noticed) and I knew people would read this going into it. I debated whether or not to make this blog private and decided since I don't blog about anything political or extremely controversial(which are boring blog topics anyway) I'd go ahead and let the world read this. This is me, who I am in reality. I'm a happy, low-stress, carefree kind of gal that likes to be sarcastic and laugh... Yea laugh! But the cool thing I'm finding is that a lot of people appreciate it!

I love what I do because I get to pick other people's brains and write stories that help people. Well, this blog is a bigger, broader-net version of that. It's more specific as it pertains solely to pregnancy/motherhood/womanhood related stuff but I get to do fun research and spread the word about my cool findings. The fun this about this is that I do get to express my opinions about my findings, and share my personal stories. I don't get to do that on TV.

Not only that but I get to write! I write every day at work but I'm confined to a specific structure-A 90 second story. It's nice to be able to be long winded and write for FUN, not just for work.

My friend at work (I'll call him Mr. E) told me he saw my blog and I asked him what he thought. He said don't rush it, have fun! He waited until he was married for like 8 years (together for like 11) before they had their first child. He was 33 and she was 30. He says he has no regrets, and they got their "parting" out of their system. Nice tip Mr. E, I'll keep that in mind! Anyway just wanted to put it out there that I know yall are reading, but the least yall could do is LEAVE SOME COMMENTS! ;op

Anyway, I leave all of you with a glimpse of the real me.

A Horrible Morning Brightened by a Flicker

Miss my good news? Read it here.

I woke up excited, anxious. It was the day of my first doctor's appointment... The day I'd find out if there is really a baby in my stomach, or if all of these symptoms are just a hoax.

I'd been praying that I'd get to hear the heartbeat. I called the doctors office a week before to see what we would be doing exactly so I'd know whether or not to bring my husband along. They told me they wouldn't do an ultrasound but that they'd check for a heartbeat. --How?

I wasn't sure but my friends told me they'd probably use a doppler to listen for it... But also warned it's hard to hear early, and not to worry if I couldn't hear it this time.

I got ready for work and finalized plans to meet my husband at the doctor's office in a few hours before heading out the door. Just as I was leaving I noticed I had a text message on my phone. ... A warning from someone I work with, saying that she wasn't the only person at work who reads my blog.

'Great' I thought to myself. Maybe only one or two people read it but that can easily turn into 10 or 20 once words spreads that a "juicy post" is up. I know there are some people who love to gossip but I didn't know the extent to which the news had traveled. A few moments later I received a text message from another friend... Asking about the story I was working on for the day, but also making a point to call me "a blogger" in the message.

The good news is I was warned. I knew it would only take a person or two for it to suddenly spread and turn into my entire company... But I wasn't prepared for the reactions.

Instead of feeling congratulated, I felt investigated. Instead of feeling excitement and anticipation from my colleagues, I'm left feeling like I'm 16 and pregnant. ... Not like the happily married woman I am who was planning to have a baby.

I knew announcing my pregnancy on my blog could mean that it would get out to people I work with sooner than I planned to tell people, but I didn't imagine people gossiping about it... Giggling about it, then interrogating me about my "secret pregnancy" as if they've cracked some Top Secret... As if I'm some immature teenager who didn't know to use a condom.

I wasn't upset about people "finding out" I was upset about the reaction. I thought people would be... Or at least seem happy for me... Even if they had read the news on my blog, or had been told from a someone else who did. I wasn't trying to hide it, if I was I wouldn't have published it, but I published it thinking the responses (if any) would be maybe something more like "congratulations."

I felt like I was in high school again... And I couldn't help but let the hormones take over and cry like a child myself. I was hurt.

The day didn't get any better in the couple of hours before my appointment. Technical problems followed by more pregnancy questions I didn't know all of the answers to myself, and looks that screamed "so and so told me about you." And then I prayed.

Now that the entire world knows I'm pregnant, I prayed to actually be pregnant. I didn't know for sure... I mean, according to several home pregnancy tests and my late friend I knew I should be, but I wasn't convinced there was a living being in there. I prayed that I am still and that I will continue to be pregnant for nine healthy months. I prayed I'd hear my baby's heart at the appointment to calm my fears and brighten my day.

I met my husband at the doctor's office and he was a trooper... Even though he was the only man in there for awhile, and unsure if he was really supposed to be there.

The nurse called us back and gave me a few more forms to fill out.

"This one just confirms that we won't tell anyone about your medical records... You don't have to worry about us telling the Newspaper or anything," she added.

'Yea, well the News already knows.' I thought to myself.

They took my weight, height, blood and blood pressure. Then the nurse told me she'd hook up the ultrasound machine for my doctor.

I was thrilled. I knew I probably wouldn't be able to hear a heartbeat yet, but that I'd be able to see it if we looked for it.

I tried not to get my hopes up... Thinking maybe she had forgotten how far along I was and was mistaken about the ultrasound. I kept a silent prayer as I met my doctor for the first time.

She was wonderful! Friendly, funny, and easy to talk to. Not in a rush at all. I felt welcomed and like she was a friend right away. She congratulated us on our first baby... It resonated well... Made me smile. Made me feel myself again.

But it wasn't until she turned the machine on and told us what we were looking for that my hopes began to soar. She saw the sac that my baby was in and a moment later our baby. Just a small dot right now... But a baby alright. And then a movement caught my eye. The movement I'd been praying for.

I saw the flicker of my baby's heartbeat... And that's when and all of my embarrassment, fears and frustrations with work went away. That small flicker melted my heart.

I didn't cry... I thought I might, but I kept myself from tearing so I wouldn't miss any of the flickers. I sent all of the negative energy away and collected every ounce of happiness, gratification and love and sent it to my baby.

... My baby who even now... No bigger an orange seed, already knows how to brighten mommy's day.

Temporary Stay at Home Mom

I KNOW people say that being a mother is the hardest job in the world. I don't doubt that because of the severity of the job that's true. I mean... It's not often that a life if in your hands 24/7. Mental and emotional pressure put on ourselves has got to cause some major job anxiety. Granted, that comes in the job description of motherhood whether you're also working outside of the home on top of that or not.

At this stage of my life I won't have the chance to stay at home with my child for awhile, but I will have the chance to experience it for a few months, and let me tell you... I don't care what anyone says, I'm looking forward to that SO MUCH.

Sure, maybe there will be spurts of cabin fever and nights when I'm so incredibly exhausted, but I am very much looking forward to putting sacrifices like that in for someone I actually love.

Don't get me wrong, I like the people I work with currently, but I just imagine days where I'm at the office until 2am, or mornings where I'm called in at 4 (yes, it happens) are more worth it when it's for someone you're willing to do anything for.

Already after a long shift at work I am excited to rush home and greet my furry child as well as my husband. It's by far my favorite part of the day. We're lucky enough to work our schedules so we get the same days of together every now and then... No matter how strange the days. We don't need to do anything extraordinarily fun for entertainment. We're both totally happy with vegging together laughing over youtube videos or stories from work.

I look forward to letting the house go when I feel like it, and napping with my little mini me. I look forward to going for summer strolls around the neighborhood with her and our dog Snoop.

I look forward to family trips where people will be excited to meet and greet her, and I'll be proud to share her with the world.

I look forward to documenting her every tiny milestone... Even though I thought that was so silly before.

I look forward to diaper explosions and projectile vomit. I know, it's strange but I do. What better to blog about than that?

I look forward to afternoon picnics with our little family, and trips to the park. And if that doesn't happen very often so what! We'll have an indoor picnic with movies and quick snacks.

I especially looking forward to photographing EVERYTHING!

Some people have told me they looked forward to going back to work once their leave was over, and that work outside the house was so much easier. Many times I think this is coming from women who enjoy being challenged professionally and say being at home and not having adult stimulation all day is the hard part (let me add that I'm not saying you're NOT mentally stimulated if you're not working outside the home, people just tell me it can get challenging talking to a child all day. If I wasn't working outside the home I'd still find ways to have fun and interact with others.) ... But I'm not going to let that be my mentality during my leave.

Family really means so much to me, it's the top priority in my life. I never thought I'd want to or enjoy be a mom who stays at home, but like I've heard, everything changes once you see that baby... I feel like that already happened to me the moment I saw her on the ultrasound screen.

I'm going to enjoy every week, day, minute and second of being home with my little girl, no matter how difficult. Because I know how it is on the other side, and I know children grow so fast. Who care's what's harder? Working outside the home... Staying at home and working with your children... it's not a competition! I just want to look back at my time at home and know I didn't take it for granted.

Seeing Through a Child's Eyes

When people find out I’m a TV new anchor and reporter one of the first things I’m asked is “do people recognize you?”

Honestly, it’s not like people think. I use to be the host of BYU Weekly in Utah and for a while I’d get recognized for that role more than any other media position I’ve held.

Lately it’s a little different. I’m not sure if my pregnancy magnifies things or what but I’ve been getting stopped nearly every day with someone who says something like “I didn’t know you were pregnant, you can’t tell on TV!” or “Congratulations on your baby” it’s really quite interesting.

The funny fact is, I don’t really LIKE to be recognized. I never know what to say. I hate wearing makeup and you’ll hardly ever catch me wearing it outside of work… Nor will I have my hair done or be in dressy clothes. The fact that people can still spot me is sometimes a little frightening. I sometimes find myself looking for my reflection to see how horrible I look and feel bad for scaring them.

My reluctance for recognition toned down one day afternoon in the small town of Coupland Texas.

The entire school district fit in two small buildings side by side. I heard about a guitar class for half a dozen sixth graders—About a third of the entire grade of students. For many of them, practicing guitar was a motivation to go to school every day—Something to look forward to during a difficult time for school.When I arrived to film and interview them I could hear their whispers of recognition. Then one by one each came up to ask me the same question over and over… If I was the “news lady.” It didn’t matter if they heard the same answer I gave to the kid who asked seconds before; they wanted to hear for themselves.

For once I didn’t mind the attention. I felt like talking to these kids made their day. After I was done filming and getting the interviews the entire class… And the class of students in the same room after—In fact, the entire sixth grade class came up and one by one asked for my autograph.
It was one of the strangest, funniest and cutest, things I had experienced. I tried to think of something nice to say next to my worthless autograph. “Stay in school,” was mostly all I could come up with. So much for being a writer! I’ll have to work on that in case I’m ever asked for an autograph again.

A few of them also gave me some of their own tokens to appreciate. I’m sure I’m someone they’ll quickly forget about, if they haven’t already, but those cute kiddos are faces I’ll remember forever.

It’s amazing how little things can make all the difference in a child’s life. I miss that sometimes, but I look forward to experiencing it again through my daughter’s eyes. If you want to see the story I did click here.

Torn Between Career and Child... Already

There's something about feeling secure in your job and responsibilities that makes you feel confidant, and good about yourself. Knowing I'm going to be stepping away from that for 12 weeks sometimes scares the living daylights out of me. I've been working a lot, and posting a little less, this should explain some.

I shared that today on my Project Pregnancy blog on Parenting.com:

It was after midnight. My last coworker left the building over an hour before, I was alone and tired. Exhausted from finishing my regular shift, and on to other tasks... Tasks that go beyond my normal daily duties. Tasks I hope will secure my job when I return from maternity leave.

I'm not worried about having A job. I have a contract, and there are these things called "laws" which protect women who have children from loosing their jobs for that reason alone, but those laws don't necessarily guarantee you the same duties and responsibilities.

My late nights aren't a rarity right now. It's the only thing I know to do to better my odds at keeping the same assignments I adore.

I've been in my career for about six years. I loved my job as a journalist and have been enriched by the people I've encountered in the process of sharing their stories over the years. It wasn't until recently that I fell into what feels like a perfect combination of roles. No day feels monotonous because nearly every day I'm wearing a different hat and working on an important project. Whether it be covering an important education meeting, helping a foster child to get adopted, or delivering the news, I'm responsible for specific areas of interest and I LOVE it. I can honestly say I love my job. But the more you love something, the harder it is to loose.

Before a woman goes on maternity leave you hear whispering and questions: "How long is she going to be gone?" "Do you think she'll come back?" It seems as though it's no secret some women can't bear the thought of returning to work after setting eyes on this new beautiful being they've created. I've seen it, and I've heard about it countless times. "I just knew I couldn't leave her," women have told me, recounting their experiences before they decided to trade in their brief case for diaper bags.

I've always known my situation would be different. I'm not in the position, not now, to retire early from my career to raise my child from home. And I'm ok with that. Luckily my husband and I won't need to use daycare facilities and we have our childcare situation figured out already... Him. But stay at home dads is a whole nother topic which I'll delve into later.

In the weeks leading up to my temporary departure from work I find myself in a constant panic. What is she comes early and I'm not ready? Oh I'm ready when it comes to things at home. The crib is up, diapers are on standby. We have the necessities we need and the excitement, confidence, courage and faith to raise a new baby. The fear lies with securing the job I love.

There's a special segment I produce weekly, and I'll continue to work on until I leave. When the question arose if I'd still be doing it when I got back I didn't know how to answer. Of course I want to, it's quite possibly the best part of my job. I know I'm doing a good job, but would they remember the good job I've done after 12 weeks of my absence? I couldn't take a chance.

So I've been putting in overtime to produce 12 extra segments before my momentary migration. Twelve segments to fill the 12 weeks I'm gone.

I thought that would be where my work-obsessed antics ceased but unfortunately it's not.

Months ago I proposed an in-depth report on a topic I've been very passionate about. I was recently informed I could pursue it myself... Pending maternity leave. Those three words crushed me. It was like a giant asterisk beside my name screaming "MAYBE." Yea, well, maybe isn't good enough. I want to do it, I can't pass it on to someone else.

I counted backwards from the day they want it to air to my due date then forward 12 weeks. It's cutting it close. And now I'm finding myself considering something I never saw my self deliberating... Cutting my FMLA time short. All so I can have my cake and eat it too... Or so I think.

Would 10 weeks instead of 12 really make a big difference? It doesn't seem like it now but I have a feeling I'll think quite differently in about a month. Is this already happening to me? Already I'm being faced with difficult work-family decisions yanking me between career accomplishments and family. The answer may seem much more simple than it is. I know this now, but I also know I've only gotten a taste for what's to come. Soon, I'll be feasting in this unobtainable balance.

So will the dangling carrot get me back to work sooner than I had hoped? I don't know. Luckily that's not a decision I have to make today. I'm going to wait until I've met my daughter and get to know her a little better.

Until then, I'll be working on racing the clock to secure other elements of my job I want to keep, even if that means working past midnight a couple days a week.

This post was originally written for my Parenting.com blog, you can read more of my stories and motherhood debates here.

The End of Maternity Leave

My maternity leave is coming to a close, and in the morning my stint as a stay at home mother will be over. I'll begin my new role as a full time working mom.

As the night lingers on I begin to wonder about sleep deprivation. It's no big deal when I'm at home and napping through the day, but when I'm operating heavy machinery, conducting interviews and anchoring the news to thousands of people, there's slightly more pressure to ummm--Function.

Instead I'm picturing periodic meltdowns and tear streaks across my makeup.

It's almost hilarious when I think back to before having her, when I was worried about a project I wanted to work on, and debated going back early to pursue it. After she was born and here for a few weeks I could have cared less about it. I was taking the full 12 weeks, there was no mistake about that.

I've packed my bags. My pump, and PumpEase are in the bag. My laptop and blackberry are charged. Fresh milk is in the fridge, my suits are at the cleaners and my schedule is mapped out for my first week back. It's like preparing for the first day of school--Except not as fun.

My daughter and I went shopping today, but this time for me. It was a much-needed dose of retail therapy to get me excited about going back. New clothes to go with my new, fuller, motherly figure.

I held her longer today and kissed her an extra thousand times. I inhaled the smell of her hair and tickled her tiny toes.

I hope I can do this.

I know I can do this. But it won't be easy.

I'm trying to count my blessings. It could be so much worse. I'm grateful have a job. Grateful I had twelve weeks to spend with her--Even if half of that time was unpaid. And best of all my daughter will be in the best hands next to my own--Her daddy's. Granted, there was a time I contemplated whether that was a fact, or if a daycare worker or nanny had more experience with tending small babies. But regardless of his learning curve, no one would love her more.

Everything's packed and ready to go. But this time when I drive to work, I'll be leaving behind my heart.

If you've been where I'm going and have words of advice I'd love to hear it!

***

Winner of the $75 CSN Giveaway: #222 Mama b. Congrats! I'll email you soon and you'll have 48 hours to respond!

The Return to Work

Exhausting. That's the best word I can use to describe my first day back at work.

I woke up extra early so I'd have time to pump before leaving. And since I had been used to sleeping in until 9 most of my maternity leave, this wasn't the easiest adjustment.

I was hoping my daughter would stay asleep but in the middle of the night, after she ate I kept her cuddling with me. So shortly after I got up, she woke up.

Normally I'd nurse her back to sleep but I guess she knew I wasn't going back to sleep either, so she wanted to stay up and play. I had my husband help with her so I could get ready. I hooked up my pump and PumpEase so I could do my makeup while I prepared some milk for the next day.

When I was done I had pumped five and a half ounces from one side (Lil' J ate from the other earlier and I was thinking I'd nurse he again before I left).

I cleaned my pump, got dressed and was ready to leave. This was the part I was dreading.

I had put her in her swing so I could finish getting ready and to my surprise she had fallen asleep. One of my friends told me this was the best way to leave. I knew this was true because had she been laughing and cooing or crying I would have bawled my entire way to work.

Instead I slightly stroked her cheek, shed one tear and kissed my husband goodbye.

On my drive to work I blared the music for two reasons. For one, I wanted to drown out my thoughts and two, I couldn't really do that with her in the back seat. It was weird not focusing on the baby mirror behind me and consoling my daughter who hates riding in the car.

When I got to work I was greeted with warm welcomes and lots of questions. Of course I had half a dozen pictures printed off to place on my desk and showed them off to my colleagues.

When other mothers asked how I was doing I surprised myself when I realized I was doing fine. Then I felt another strange hint of emotion--was that guilt? How could I be doing so well away from my daughter when I love her so much?

I tried to brush it off and made my way to the morning meeting. I didn't miss those.

I hurried out to my first interview. I was working on my segment to help find adopted families for foster children and I was introduced to a talkative and very intelligent 12-year-old.

The moment we met my mind focused on him and making it a time he'd remember. We raced go-carts and played a dozen games of ski ball before the park even opened to the public.

I was immersed in my job with no time to think about missing my daughter. But when the shoot was finished and I was invited to eat lunch with them, I politely declined so I could go home and see my baby.

It had been about five hours since I had last pumped so I was feeling a little engorged.

When I got home my husband had pizza coming out of the oven and Lil' J's smile when she saw me just melted my heart.

I had called my husband on my way home, so instead of warming another bottle for her, he let her wait to nurse. And boy was she ready. She likes to eat but there must be something different about it coming straight from the source because she didn't want to let go. I loved having her snuggled in my arms and watching her stare and smile at me as she ate as if she were saying "I missed you mommy." I enjoyed it so much, I forgot to eat. My husband packed the pizza up for me to take with me back to work.

I was surprised at how he was doing. I hate to admit it but he was showing me up. I can't remember if I had ever had a meal ready for him when he came home from work. Usually I was asking him to pick something up.

This time when I went back to work it was a little harder. My daughter was laughing and smiling when I left and I love being around her when she's in such a good mood.

After my break the day took a bad turn. I had my second interview for another story, but on the way back we were rear ended.

Neither I or my photographer were hurt, but instead of staying ahead of schedule, that and all the paperwork that comes with car accidents, set us back hours.

It did however, give me some time to catch up with my boss who praised me for breastfeeding and asked me about how I'm enjoying motherhood.

Three hours later it was finally time to head back to the station, but it was time to go home when I got there. Luckily the story I'm working on doesn't air until Sunday, but I still wanted to get something going before I left. So I took my laptop, and camera into the makeup room where there were two other breast pumps lined up next to mine.

It had been another five hours since I had last fed my daughter so while I was trying to get everything set up, things got a bit messy. Apparently my body responds really well to seeing the pump, almost as well as when my daughter cries. I felt something wet on my leg and realized I was squirting from both sides. I hurried and hooked the pump up so more precious milk wouldn’t be lost on the make up room floor (don't worry, I cleaned it up. Wouldn't want anyone to slip!).

I had no problem pumping hands free and working at the same time. The most time consuming part, I'm finding is cleaning all of the parts after pumping. At home I leave the pieces out to air-dry but I'm obviously not going to so that at work. So washing and drying all the pieces took some time.

I got another nine ounces to bring home and was more than ready to go home to my daughter.

For a moment I thought I'd bring my laptop home but I decided not to. Keep work at work. I thought.

My husband had dinner in the oven and Lil' J was happy to be back in my arms. I didn't want to set her down and she didn't want to let go.

My husband was able to workout and study while we reconnected and I was in awe of our new system.

Unlike my routine, my husband left Lil' J in her PJs all day versus dressing her up, but I didn't mention it to him. Baby steps I thought.

It was nice to put makeup on again, actually doing my hair and wearing a suit. But my feet, which had grown accustomed to flip flops over the past twelve weeks didn't appreciate squeezing back into heels. So it was great putting my feet up and snuggling with my sloberpus that night.

We all turned in early around 10pm.

Today I'm anchoring the evening shift so my schedule will be a little different but I've had the whole morning to spend with my daughter.

Tonight she'll get to watch me on TV and come visit me at the station during my dinner break.

I'm so blessed to have my husband at home with my daughter and he's doing SO much better than I imagined.

I didn't believe people when they told me I'd appreciate the time with her more, I didn't think it would be possible to appreciate it more, but I really do.

It's a lot more work now, and there's a lot of teamwork involved. I'm working hard and focusing on work when I'm away, but the moment I get home I take my daughter and don't set her down.

My husband can take that opportunity to do things he enjoys doing but it's pretty much non-stop work for the both of us.

My husband and I may be doing things a little backwards compared to most families but I'm optimistic it'll work for us.

I'm surprised how I am able to jump back into work almost without skipping a beat. I think part of that thanks to having a job I love.

I try not to wonder what I'm missing when I'm away. And I made my husband take an oath to act surprised by any new developments I may miss, as if I'm seeing the firsts right along with him.

I'm not sure how long I'll be a working mother, but for now, I confess: It's not as bad as I had feared.

Everyone who comments on this post is entered to win a CoddleLife Bottle. I'll pick a winner using Random.org on September 28th.

***

Swimtown Pools Winner: #33 Domestica
PumpEase Winner: #130 Lindsey

Controversial Reading: Baby Wise

It's the most controversial book since the Bible.

Ok, well, maybe not quite. From my knowledge people don't burn Baby Wise to prove a point. But if words were fire this book would be up in flames.

It's a book so many people swear by. In fact I've heard more moms say the principals of this book worked wonders for their child more than any other book. Even more so than the Dr. Sears whatevertheheck book. I've heard raves from "my baby is so happy now" to "It was a lifesaver." But I've also heard the other end of the spectrum-- THIS BOOK WILL KILL YOUR BABY.

Not an exact quote, but close.

I haven't read Baby Wise or any other baby books for that matter. I swear, the easiest way to make a bunch of money these days is to write a book about baby advice and BOOM! You're rich! I hate that there are so many books with so many contradicting facts and principals and just decided to skip the whole book thing and learn by trial and error.

Then I went back to work.

And my daughter stopped sleeping 5-6 hours and instead has gone back to waking up every 2 hours. And I am a zombie. And being a zombie with 45+ hours of work to do every week just isn't good. Especially when you're operating heavy machinery like cars, or breast pumps.

This has been going on for long enough. Long enough for me to know it's no longer a growth spurt, or a phase (well maybe it's a phase to some degree, but I'd rather it not continue for months). My grandmother told me that if there's something that's stressing you out either do something about it to fix it or get over it, but there's no use stressing or complaining about it. So I've decided I need to do SOMETHING.

What am I doing? We're sleeping in the guest bed in her room. She wakes up every two hours and it takes me awhile to go back to sleep. Sometimes she'll wake back up the moment I set her down and climb back into bed. When I first returned to work I fell asleep with her in bed with me and she nursed throughout the night. Before that she'd sleep 5-6 hours so I'm wondering if that formed some kind of habit, and on top of that, perhaps being in her room is waking her up. If she sleeps with me, I can't sleep. If she doesn't, I'm up every two hours and it takes me a good while to fall back asleep, so I'm at an impasse.

The past week and a half I've started a new bed time routine where we give her a bath, massage her, get her in her nighttime diaper, read her a story and feed her, but then I'm like 'What now?' I usually feed her until she's asleep then set her in her crib but I think putting her in her crib awake is the trick. So I tried that but then she cries and cries until you pick her up. Then I feed her again and... You get the idea.

I need to try something new to see if it helps. I'm not asking for a full eight hours of sleep. Heck, four hours straight at this point would be nice. It's effecting my work, and that's really not good. In fact, it's very, very bad. So bad that I had the worst live shot experience of my life last week but didn't dare pull the "but I have a 4-month-old who isn't sleeping yet" card. But maybe I should have, because I'm sorta on the you-know-what-list right now because of it. And one bad move takes ten good moves to make up for it. So by this time next year, if I'm lucky, I'll be out of the dog house.

My husband says it's not the end of the world if she goes to bed late and wakes up all night for the first year, but that's greatly because he isn't waking up with her, or going to work after a half-nights sleep.

So, I'm desperate. And I'm considering turning to this raved about/ cursed book for ideas and answers.

I've probably read an entire book worth of facts on why I should stay away from the book--given to me by people who haven't read the book themselves, but hate it anyway. So I think it's only fair to read the actual book now, with an open mind, to see the other side and form my own opinions of it.

I know the book is about schedules and many are against schedules but truth is, sooner or later my daughter will be starting childcare and the only way someone watching multiple kids can accomplish things I'm sure, is to have some sort of plan. It doesn't mean I'm going to take the advice as scripture, or put Lil' J on a strict eating routine we can't deter from and starve her in the process. It's just that we're going to try something new. Because what we're doing now aint working out. At least not for me. And considering the fact that I provide the food and shelter for all of us right now, I think my opinion rules.

Some people are ok with having their children sleep with them, or wake up through the night for over a year, but I'd rather find out whats working for the other set of the population who have children don't need that.

I know this may just be a time in life where I have to survive with lack of sleep, but I can't just go along with that not knowing if I can do something else that can make this situation better for us all.

Besides, I'm pretty sure Lil' J would be happier with a happy, healthier, well rested mommy.

I just bought the book on Ebay for 99 cents. If it sucks I'll tell you about it. Then burn it.

Any other books you recommend while I'm at it? A friend from work with her second baby, also a 4-month-old said baby 411 has lots of tips and different routines to try. I think I'll buy that one too.

Work/Home Balance--Is There Such a Thing?

I've officially been at work, away from my daughter longer than I was at home with her during my maternity leave. I'd be lying if I were to say it's gotten much easier.

Every morning when I have to kiss her goodbye, it's still ridiculously hard. It breaks my heart even more now when she knows I'm grabbing my purse--not our diaper bag--and I'm leaving without her.

I try my best now to leave when she's distracted or still sleeping; because when she's awake and aware she'll hold her arms out for me and cry.

Daily I'm submerged in feelings of guilt for not being there for her, and paranoia about missing a first. Missing her crawl for the first time, the first time she says "mama" or just being there for her daily developments.

I can't say how grateful I am though for the fact that she's with the best caregiver in the world. Seeing her with her dad, and how close they've gotten makes my heart melt. When I come home she practically jumps into my arms and is all smiles. She's so happy when we're all home and close together and it makes me so grateful she has two parents who love each other and love her. Sadly, that's not the case for everyone. But I'm still a little jealous of that bond I see they have, and of the time he gets with her.

On my day off this week, Little J and I went out for yoga, then we went to lunch and shopping with a friend. She was by my side or in her carrier that entire day and I had the most amazing time. I would be standing in an isle at a craft store and notice her look up at me from her wrap and smile. I'd lean over to kiss her nose and she'd laugh. The simplest moment made me want to stop time and stay right there with her forever. I wished I could I had more moments like these. Like I was missing moments like these every day I leave her for the grind.

We started the daycare search this week and it's been exhausting. It's so hard looking for someone to care for my daughter aside from my husband and I, and trusting them with her. Luckily, we won't need to enroll her for another six or seven months, which by then I think she'll be ready to learn and ready for interaction with other kids her age, but it's still so hard.

Right now I can call home and video chat with her via iPhone. At first she didn't know what to think of it, and she'd grab my husband's phone, reaching for me, then she'd start crying when she realized I couldn't pick her up. Now she'll usually smile and talk to me for a little bit, still try to grab the phone, but I think she's realized iPhones don't have arms. This is just one of the experiences I'll miss once she starts daycare. That, and visiting home during my lunch break with a ready-made lunch and grinning baby ready to play.

I started my search by asking a friend I work with her recommendations. She recently did a series on childcare and had some great links to share with me about searching for accredited programs. I started there.

I found one that is close to my job--less than a mile away--and scheduled a tour. When I walked in worked to hold back tears. It's wasn't the facility or what I saw that made me feel bad but the thought of her being in daycare.

I looked in the infant room even though she will be over a year once she starts, but paid most attention to the sunbeam room, for 12-18 month olds since that's where she'd be. They had a glider chair for nursing moms who want to drop in and feed their baby. That made me feel good, even though I'm not sure I'll nurse her past a year. They also allow cloth diapers, which is a big plus, and the biggest positive is how close it is to my job. But the room was so small. Like insanely small. I worked in daycare for years and was worked in rooms four times as big for half as many one-year-olds. That was a huge setback, and almost enough for me to cross them off my list.

I have started looking for other schools but I'm trying not to let the glitz and glam overshadow the accreditation which is really one of my top priorities right now. That and proximity. But there's a huge shortage of them between my house and my job, and because of this, ones that are close--at least the good ones--are extremely expensive.

I'm hoping to just enroll her part time since I work Wednesday through Sunday, I'll still have Mondays and Tuesdays off to spend with her, and her dad will still be with her on the weekends for the most part. Our situation could be so much worse but sometimes I wish I could see what it's like in another's shoes.

Even after my husband begins his new job, I can't imagine leaving mine. I'm not used to not working, not bringing in some kind of income, and feeling like I can support myself if need be. But oh it would be so nice to spend afternoons at play dates, and weekends at birthday parties. It would be nice to feel like a full time mom, submerge myself into cooking literature, sewing her dresses, making her bows, and perfect a new, domesticated me. But then I'd feel guilty every time I bought something. And fun outings I like to do now on my days off would be limited to free things--Yoga would be out. And everything that makes me ME as I know myself would be different. Everything I've worked toward almost my entire life would be put on hold indefinitely to pursue a much less lucrative, but more rewarding full-time career.

I love my job, love my career, what I do every day, and I'm happier than I've even been at work, but my heart and passion gets left at home with my little girl.

It's hard finding a balance. I'm not sure I ever will.

What to do for the next 8 months?

My husband is about to start a new career, a new job he's been applying and training for, for the last two years. I'm so thrilled for him because while he loves being home with our daughter, he's ready to get out of the house. (On a side note, I'm hoping to have him be my first guest poster and write a post for me about what it was like being Lil' J's stay at home dad for a year, but right now he's not interested. I'll keep trying.)

Now the hard part begins.

Our daughter has been on daycare waiting lists since my maternity leave and her name still hasn't come up on any of them. Most all of these are downtown near my job. So I began the search again, including searches for nannies. I'll have do do a more detailed helpful post about this later, but long story short, I found a school we like, and there are only three other little students in her class. It's not far from my job, and even though they hiked the tuition another $200 a month after I had already enrolled her and paid the deposit; and even though she will only be going three times a week and there's no part-time program, we're staying because we like it that much. I'm hoping socializing and learning with other kiddos, and having a little time away from us, at this age, will be good for her.

That said, I'm dreading dropping her off the first day. The thought of it kills me. KILLS me. Actually, I can't even think about it without getting a knot in my stomach. It's already hard leaving her big brown eyes with her daddy five days a week, I think this will be infinitely more painful. Ugh. Can't think about it. If any of you out there in cyber space have tips for getting through this, please share. My plan is to make daddy do it. She won't be as sad about him leaving her. And she'll be twice as happy to see me pick her up.

Rufflebutt Onesie from Sumos; Bow from Chloe and Maude, Leg Warmers from Happy Crawlers

Another challenge I'll have to make it through is learning to do things without my husband, or his help for the next eight months. He's going to be engrossed in work and he's warned me time and time again about the demands. He's asked for my support and I'm gonna give it. He's also promised a certain shiny prize once he makes it to the finish line, but of course I don't need bribery to help. I'd do it ether way.

So now I'm thinking of ways to get out of his hair for the next eight months. Moving to our own apartment isn't an option. We've done yoga classes already and I'd like to try something new. Maybe mommy and me swim lessons. Or gymnastics. Or sign language. Instead of shopping online, we could hit up stores. And photography is always fun. We could scope out new spots to shoot I guess.

It's just weird to think our whole family dynamic is about to shift. When I stop off at home for a quick lunch break no one will be there. We'll have to wake up earlier to get all three of us ready for work and school, pack lunches, and head out the door, where as before I could leave them two in their PJs.

I'm going to have to trust new people with my daughter. Ugh. There goes that knot again. I can do this! Soon it will all seem like normal. Right?

A day in my heels

I'm not a morning person. At all. So when I was asked to switch from evening anchor to morning anchor on the weekends I wasn't exactly pleased.

"It's only temporary," I told everyone who asked me what I thought about the new gig. "I'm doing everyone a favor while we're short staffed."

I had filled in for the morning anchor a few times in the past, and switched shifts from time to time so she could have a longer weekend, or so I could have an afternoon off. I never enjoyed the shift. Something about being at work at a God forsaken hour just isn't normal. Nor should it be. Usually Saturday I'd be all pumped up on adrenalin but by Sunday, or Monday if it was a long weekend and I was working it, I wanted to die.

Giving my past feelings on the experience, I prepared to hate it.

It came time for my first shift and I prepared by stocking up on 5-hour Energy. I seriously could do a commercial for these people. It works. I know it's probably not so good for me but I only drink about 2 and a half hours worth a day. It's my version of coffee I guess. Anyway, long story short, it wasn't that bad. I think being in the mindset of "I've gotta do this" helps, but it's also exceptionally nice having afternoons off with my family.

Lil' J's romper via Sassy Sitches Boutique (closed); My shoes: Payless, Skirt and Jacket: Ross; Dress (as a shirt) via eBay

I don't get to go to all three hours of church. I can however make sacrament meeting during my lunch--Or breakfast, rather-- break. Which was my biggest worry about helping out with this shift.

Yesterday morning I woke up before 3am to get ready. I normally set out my clothes and get ready as much as I can the night before, but I had forgotten to pick out my shoes. I guess I'm more daring and care-free at 3am because for some reason I decided to grab and wear a pair of heels (which I never do).

I half expected myself to fall down the stairs while half asleep on my way out the door, but I survived.  My only stumble was over Snoop who was sleeping in the dark hallway.

I must say though, the best part about being at work at 3:30am is being done around 11:30. I came home and was able to start my day like normal. (Luckily I'm not working today, so I can do that).

Today when I came home from work I asked my husband to take a couple of photos of Lil' J and I before I changed. I brag about being the queen of frumpy, but I wanted to have proof that sometimes, I do look decent. I take so many photos of her and want more photos with her, but setting up the tripod and using my camera remote isn't always convenient. He's agreed to help me out so long as we're fast.

Afterward I ate some lunch, took a nap with Lil' J, then went out to take more photos with her at a park.

I hate to admit it but I've re-learned a classic life lesson. Don't knock it 'til you try it. Of course this doesn't apply to dangerous things like crack or murder; but with a new shift at work, I think it applies.

I normally don't do this. But since it's the 10th Anniversary of the September 11th Attacks

I thought I'd share something with you.

Patriotic Dress: Jean to Fashion

It's often I write about my life as a mom and a wannabe domestic diva, but I don't go into the other important part of my life. My life as a news reporter and anchor.

I wanted to share a 9/11 story I produced myself. From finding the story interviews, to the filming and lighting down to the writing, voicing, and editing. It's quite possibly one of my favorite stories of my career thus far.

10 years ago today I was in high school, in my broadcasting class, watching the reports of the terrorist attacks live on the news. Today, I'm on the other side of the television, living my dream and reporting and anchoring about that very event.

This story I did touches my heart because as an American, I remember how it felt that day, learning the news of the attacks, feeling vulnerable, and violated. But as a mother, I know how special this day is to Shelley and her son, who was born that very day.

Happy Birthday Christopher.

And God bless America, and the world on this day. Let's remember how we pulled together as a country and do it again.


Born on 9/11 on Vimeo.
I'd love to hear your thoughts! Where were you on September 11th 2001?
If you want to see the story with my intro, click the photo below. Or you can also click here.

My Story



Look who visited me at work today...

Between spinning around and around in my desk chair (and then setting her down to watch her walk like a drunk) we pretended she was my co-anchor.

Good times.

5 tips for parents returning to work.

Eventually, whether it is after four months or thirty, you will have to return to work. Leaving your baby in the care of a person or group of people is undoubtedly one of the hardest things you will ever have to do. Just finding someone you trust is hard enough, let alone managing the intricacies of the transition. Your baby knows you, and trusts you to always be there when he or she needs you. Adjusting that roll to include other people can be tricky, but there are some things you can do to help smooth the transition.

1. Investing true trust in the child care you choose.
At some point you will have chosen a nanny, a daycare or a preschool that you like and you will have decided to invest a certain amount of your trust in them. Now the real test comes when you leave your precious baby in their care. If you have chosen them to care for your baby, it will be counterproductive to both your relationship with the child care provider and your baby if you second guess every rule, or executive decision they put in place. Trust is a principle that you will teach your children through example, and the sooner you exercise this emotional muscle the better. If you invest nearly full trust in your child care provider, you will be spared many headaches, ulcers and sleepless nights. However, trust should always be given conditionally, and if you ever have the feeling that something is wrong, or that your child's safety is at risk, do not hesitate to investigate and remove your baby from the child care situation.

2. Leave an overlap of at least a half an hour for arrival and departure.
When you drop off your baby, or when your nanny arrives always have that time be at least a half an hour before you have to leave. Most day cares will accommodate this transition time, because they know how much easier it is to help a baby or child adjust to a new environment or new people if their parent is there during the transition. Clingy, and separation-anxiety prone periods will happen, but if your baby is used to your comfort and support during times of transition, he will be much more likely to adjust easily.

3. Make a voice recording of you reading a book for nap-times.
This is an easy and simple tip. Buy a small tape recorder, and a small tape to go in it. then, record yourself and your spouse reading stories and singing songs to your baby. Any skilled nanny or reliable day care should be able to ensure that your baby gets to hear these recordings before nap times or any time that they are feeling sad or lonely. It is amazing how strongly babies react to hearing the voices of their parents and other voices that they hear regularly.

4. Take unannounced lunch trips to visit your baby.
Especially if you are a family who has hired a nanny, I recommend periodic unannounced visits home, just to check on your nanny and your baby. It has been shocking to many parents to discover the liberties that daycare institutions and nannies can take with child care when left unsupervised for too long. Just two or three unannounced visits home every two or three months is enough to leave an impression on your caregiver that your are always watching and invested in insuring your baby's care level is maintained. It is also helpful to let your daycare and your child care worker know that you will be making these unannounced visits because just the idea of an unannounced visit has been shown to promote a higher level of consciousness about maintaining the level of care that you expect.

5. Leave your work at work.
When you come home from work, you will be tempted, even pressured to bring projects and deadlines home with you. These extra curricular activities may have only eaten into your personal time before, but now that you are a parent, they will take a big bite out of the time that your baby needs from you. No matter how great the care your baby receives each day is, and no matter how important the deadline you are looking at is, your baby needs you. Your baby needs to hear your voice and to experience you choosing her over your work. This will teach your baby self esteem and basic self respect early on. Sacrificing the opportunity to help your baby understand their own important status in your life as above and superior to work is an opportunity you should not squander lightly.

As you ease back into the workforce and you begin to find your place again, keep in mind that your position as a person has changed. You are basically someone who is the CEO of the business of raising your little bib dribbler but have been put in the position of outsourcing many of the day-to-day aspects of that business to another entity. It may be helpful to always make an effort to view your regular job as something you are doing to supplement your ability to focus on your baby's growth and development. If you have found these tips helpful please forward them to new and expecting parents you know. Questions, comments and suggestions are always welcome. Happy parenting!