The Mommy Moment of the Month

As stated in a previous post I literally have more married friends with kids than without (and that short list to prove it). A lot of my friends have blogs and WAY cute kids with great stories. I've decided I'll share some of the favorite stories I find with you!

Since I'm not even a mother myself and this blog is about ALL types of motherhood (pre, to-be, and actual) I'll look at blogs from my friends who may not be mom's yet either, because those stories are just as great!

The November pick (yes I'm starting with November since I started this blog last month) was easy, I read the long story in a couple of minutes because it was so intense! My beautiful friend Jamie told the story of the scariest moment of her life when her son got locked in an elevator:
-------------------------------------------------------
Last night we attended a Christmas party at the church. I was in charge of food and was busy scurrying around the kitchen taking care of things. All of a sudden we hear a fire alarm. Our friend Emmerson comes into the kitchen and says there is a baby stuck in the elevator!

I run out to find Dan and frantically ask him, "Where is Bryson?!" He says he doesn't know.

I sprinted downstairs to the elevator door and could hear my baby screaming over the sound of the alarm. I cannot even put into words the terror that was in my heart for my little boy. I honestly thought his tiny little fingers could be severed in the elevator door.

He was trapped because he had switched the emergency button, causing the elevator to freeze between the first and second floors.

Men from the ward were running around like crazy trying to force the elevator doors open. Dan called 911.

My dear friend Michelle came down and said a prayer with me. For the next ten minutes we sang "Jesus Wants me for a Sunbeam" and "I Am Like a Star Shining Brightly" at the top of our lungs, trying to reassure him that we were there. Meanwhile, I'm trying (unsuccessfully) to fight back the tears.

Finally, after ten painfully long minutes, Bryson managed to switch the emergency button again, which opened the doors.

Just then a fire engine pulled up and four firefighters arrived, one with an axe in his hands! I'm so grateful they didn't have to use it!

Bryson, who never lets me hold him, climbed into my arms and buried his little face into my shoulder. I have never been happier to hold my baby! After things settled down Bryson said to me, "Crying. Scary. Elevator. Button. Crying."

Needless to say, I poured out my heart to Heavenly Father in gratitude last night, so thankful my little boy was safe and sound, asleep in his crib.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can't imagine what that must have been like for her. The story was told so well that I could got scared just picturing having an experience like this! As a mother, your mindset must change completely, you no longer have yourself to think about but a whole other life form that can't really do much on it's own. Oh the responsibility!!

See it on her blog here.

I'm looking for a December post now. Have a nomination?

The Best Age to Have a Baby Pt.2

Since my first post I've been getting more interesting stories... here's one:

Danielle (was 29): I waited that long because (first off I wasn’t married until I was 24) I wanted to get my degree, have a career, travel, etc w/o having to worry about and take care of kids. Plus I thought it was best for my husband and I to have US time before having kids. We love our daughter but even now I think we could have waited longer. I wasn’t in a rush and I’m not in a rush to have another but someday would like a second child. It just felt like the right time when we did have her. And it was planned. Got off the pill for a couple months and then whamo bammo. Pregnant.
The reason why I say we could have waited longer is because my husband and I both liked our jobs. We enjoyed the work and enjoyed the money we made. We knew once we had kids that I would either not work at all or I would stay home. I now work part time and had to switch job paths because of that and the money is decent but we’re nowhere near what I was making. So we’ve had to make some changes in our money spending and saving. It’s not bad, just very different. Went from buying what I wanted when I wanted because I knew had the money to logging into my account to see how much I have in case I wanted to get something. Blessing in disguise, I guess. It’s taught me more about budgeting and should something happen down the road we’re better off because of this experience that I know we’d be okay.
Ups - everything - even the bad stuff is an up because I get to experience it
Downs - at times it’s stressful, I’m sleep deprived, feel like I’m constantly doing something, underappreciated, takes a lot more time/money to travel, can’t pee without an audience, need a break once in a while Anything else?

The Stresses

I was watching Snoop Dogg's "Father Hood" show and was really impressed with their parenting. Ok, I know it's television, but have you seen that show lately?

The mom (Shante) said a really good quote that I want to remember: "Once you become a mother you never stop worrying." Wow! I think my mom could agree with that... What about some of you moms?

Lately my dog Snoop has been getting into fights and lately I am ALWAYS worrying about him. I'm going on a vacation in a few weeks and I'm worried about where he'll stay while we're gone. If I'm stressing out and worrying about my DOG this much I can't IMAGINE how I'll be with a child.

I can't imagine worrying about much more than I do now and still being a sane person. Seriously... I think I'm already developing an ulcer. If I add much more my worries will burn an acidic hole through my stomach.

I'm worried about my career, where I'll be living a year from now, heck... where I may be living two months from now. Will my '96 Corolla last another year?-Cause Lord knows I can't afford another car payment right now.

Today is one of those days where my baby fever has died away and I feel fine waiting another decade.

The Resolutions

2008 was a good year for me. Here are some of the things I did:

-I adopted my puppy Snoop
-Graduated college, and spoke at my graduation ceremony
-Continued reporting for a station in Salt Lake City and quit before I could get laid off.
-I got a new (better) job as an anchor/reporter in the WARM city of Austin, Texas.
-Became a suga mama
-Learned how to sew
-Started a dog collar business (still trying to make my money back)
-Made new friends
-Got an iPhone :o)
-Celebrated my 4 year anniversary
-Started "monthly mini-vacations" with my hub-a-lub
-Cried less
-Grew up more
-Became an avid blogger

This year I hope to:

-Learn how to cook
-Eat better
-Give up caffeine
-Read the good books daily
-Go on more real vacations
-Enjoy one of the last years without spawn
-Learn Yoga
-Exercise more (aka ever)
-Keep a good blogging streak
-Volunteer more
-Babysit
-Be a better wife
-Get back into the habit of writing a daily journal
-Start a gratitude journal
-Pray more
-Be brutally honest
-*Get knocked up


*= maybe

I have a feeling 2009 has a lot in store for me. Between my three blogs and two journals, I'll have a lot of stuff to look back and read. Moving to a new place for the first time in 5 years has been a new challenge for me, but I think it'll give me the opportunity to grow in ways I didn't know. Hopefully 2009 will bring me growth in my career, marriage, relationships and spirituality.

Cheers to 2009!

The Conflicted Messages

I haven't posted twice in a day for awhile but after reading a new blog friend's post about our religion I wanted to write my thoughts on one specific topic down as quickly as possible.

Ok... so I wasn't exactly the girl you'd expect would take the "LDS Marriage and Family" class but I was looking for an easy 'A' and thought 'what the heck?.' Yea, I was asking for it.

One of the lesson's was on "A Woman's Role." If you know me you'd be able to picture the expression on my face when I first heard this was the topic. If you don't know me just picture a me with an attitude saying somethin like "... Are you seriously about to start tellin' me about MY role?... I know you playin'... Stop playin'"

Normally I'm pretty much submissive and quiet in class until until someone says something stupid... Which is what occurred in this case.

So I was doing other homework during this class period and occasionally hearing things that I roll my eyes at, or chuckle about under my breath. But nothing really made me interested enough to make an argumentative comment. After all, the professor was reporting things church leaders have told us and I'm not about to argue with that. So we were closing the class period talking about women working... We all know everyone has different circumstances where a woman may have to, or choose to work. The professor said a woman shouldn't work just so they could have nicer things like cars, houses, etc... Ok, so I'm cool with him saying that, I mean... whateva... But tell me this one girl did not have the nerve to raise her hand and ask:

"So what should we tell a woman if she says she wants to work, because that's not what she should be doing. I mean, what's the best way to tell her she shouldn't be going that?"

I almost jumped up out my chair. But the Good Lord was holding me back. Good thing too cause I may have gotten kicked out of BYU! I mean... Who is she to tell someone what they should or shouldn't be doing? I'm not gonna lie, I was offended (and this was before the "don't be offended" talk s odon't give me crap for that either).

It made me even more upset when the professor and another girl responded after. I thought they were gonna have my back but no (course not)… They were saying something to the effect of "you should tell her to pray about it."

I'm sorry but unless you don't need to tell anyone what they should be praying about. ESPECIALLY when they didn't ask for your effin opinion. Man I tell ya, good thing the bell rang cause I was about to say somethin'. Oh but don't worry, you'd better believe that's the first thing I brought up Monday morning before we even start the next class discussion.

Basically I just told them some people need to learn to mind their own dang business. I was really doing that girl a favor. I didn't want that poor soul to go around thinkin' she can tell people what they should and shouldn't be doing and to pray about "their sins."

All I can say is she's lucky she's lucky she lives in Utah, cause if you try sayin' somethin' like that where I come from you may get hit... Mormon or not we don't play that down south!

Why act "holier than thou?" I'm sorry but you are not my guardian angel, you are not my prophet and you sure as hell aint my momma... And if you were still I wouldn't let you tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing. I am a grown 'A' woman.

That being said... Why is is that that is so prominent in LDS culture? Why do we feel the need to tell people how THEY should live their lives? I mean, it's one thing to offer a suggestion when asked (which since this blog, I personally ask for a lot) but it's a totally different thing to feel the need to tell someone what they're doing is wrong when they never asked your opinion!

Another conflict... in LDS culture many times we're told "Multiply and replenish the Earth" No questions asked, just "we're commanded to do it so do it!" Well, we're also (in instances like this story) told that women should be at home with the children.

I'd LOVE to be home with my kids, especially when their young. But I have no idea how that could be feasible in the situation I'm in right now. I'm the only one currently working full-time. I'm putting my husband through school and progressing in my career. I wouldn't say I'm "putting my career before children" but I am, in my opinion, being "smart" about it. Instead of quitting my job and only having breast milk to feed my kids while having an empty stomach myself so that I can be at home I'm waiting until we are financially able for me (or my husband) to be at home with our kids (although in the lesson previously stated we were told a woman is better at home than the man).

But then on the other hand we could have kids right now, and I could keep working, but then no one would be at home.

I have a feeling I'll be the woman who LIKES to work and would still need at least a part-time job to feel whole and complete, but I'll really cross that bridge when I get there.

The point of this post is the question "Which one do you choose?" For those who believe you should have kids right away... Is it better to just do it even if you have to put your kids in daycare? Or wait until you're in a situation that permits a parent to be at home?

The SAHM Pt. 3

Ok wow, never have I posted three post in one day nor have I gotten such a stir from one topic! Obviously I've struck a chord here. First off I want to say I appreciate ALL of your comments. Not one of them offends me... Ok just that one I mentioned in the last post, but the rest of them, I honestly appreciate. You either are on the same page as me, and pose the same questions I do, or you have opened my eyes to a different point of view that I never thought of.

I really hope I don't come across cocky or "know it all" I try to be upfront and say that I either have no idea what I'm talking about, or I'm guessing and just asking your advice and questions on what YOU think is hard about the job. I didn't realize it was such a touchy subject but I imagine it must be a battle many SAHMs face (defending their job against people who say their job ISN'T cushy like some of us may think).

I hope you realize that I am really excited to eat my words. If having a kid and spending 3 months at home full time with them will make me HAPPY to go back to work full-time then bring it on! Haha.

But I do want to highlight a few comments that REALLY sum up how I feel and what I've learned.

How I feel: Summed up my Mrs. Smith:

"Being at home is easier than having a full time job AND being a mother. Hello! It's two things. I am NOT saying being a SAHM is not hard, it is. But can't something be a little-bit harder?"

Comments that really made the light go off for me:
Mrs. Foote:

"But you know what IS hard? Teaching kids. It's emotionally draining and requires a ton of patience. This can really push people to the brink, especially the perfectionists. They don't want to see their own flesh and blood fail. Each child you add to your family brings their own challenges and strengths. The joy in motherhood comes from watching your children overcome their challenges and maximize their potential. The heartache comes when they cannot overcome their challenges."

And Mrs. Pearson:

"Why do you think more moms are on antidepressants than any other 'profession'? It isn't just post partum that takes it out of you. You deal with kids that drive you crazy everyday, and you love them more than anything, but they never say thank you, and they don't listen, and when they do listen, it is always when you are doing something you don't want them to ever do. It's emotionally, mentally, and physically draining."

Ok Jenna and Kayce, can I just say that THOSE explanations really hit home. I often feel under appreciated at my job, but the people I work with aren't my own flesh and blood (thank goodness!) So all in all I hope you realize I wasn't trying to say the job IS NOT hard, I was just honestly asking what was so hard about it... Not trying to downplay it (although I did add a little sarcastic humor which obviously offended some, sorry). I really just.. As an outsider looking in, wanted to know.

Now, reading these responses I have more of an idea of what makes being a stay at home mom one of the hardest jobs in the world.

The Working Mom

My mom was a working mom, so was my husband's mom. That's just normal to us. Most likely this will be me. I think there are ups and downs with the duty of motherhood tied in with another full-time job. Like I said here, I'm hoping my husband can help with some of the homemaking, kid raising duties (at least at first), but we'll see what happens.

My mom was a working mom, not because she wanted to be, but because she had to be. She found cheap childcare until I was old enough to watch my siblings after school and during the summer time and we were at home alone. For a little while my mom worked an overnight shift, so she would be home most of the day while we were, but a lot of the time she'd be sleeping so my sister and I entertained ourselves.

I know being a working mom was challenging for her not only because she hated being away from us, but because we were hard work! Luckily, (although we weren't perfect kids by any means), my sister who is four years younger than I, and myself were pretty good at keeping to ourselves.

Our sister Lauren was next, she is 11 years younger than I. Then my brother, Michael was adopted and closed the age gap between the youngest two.

Being the oldest, I did a lot of help around the house. I changed countless diapers and really learned how to take care of us all. When my parents weren't home (which was a lot) I was in charge, and responsible for any damage that was done. A lot of times I was in charge of helping people with homework, and making a quick dinner. For a time, I was in charge of making sure my siblings got to their activities and practices, then got home and ready for bed.

Growing up with no parents staying home had it's up and down sides. The up side is I learned how to do practical things that still help me today. I learned responsibility, and I grew up REAL fast. On the down side, I wasn't use to many home cooked meals, to this day, I still have a hard time making a meal from a cook book--And I didn't get much help with homework. It broke my mother's heart when she couldn't make it to my talent shows or cheerleading games, but you know what... She still made it to most things. She came to my pageants, helped me get ready for prom. She was working but I remember her being there when it mattered most.

My mom was working then, and she's STILL doing it! The next child came 9 years after Lauren--My youngest sister is 3. I'm the oldest of five children, and my mother has pretty much been at work the whole time. Quite a bit of the time she was doing it by herself too. My dad was on the road as a truck driver and she had to work as well as take care of us. They separated about five years ago, and divorced a couple of years ago. Now my mother has a 14, 12, and 3 year old at home she's taking care of alone, AND working MORE than 40 hours a week to support them.

On a slight side note, I'm not writing this to dog on my dad. My dad has (especially recently) been there for me more than anyone in my family. We've had our rough patches in life but I know he's there for me. My mom though, does not have an easy job.

If I am a working mother I think I'll face different challenges. It'll be hard for me to feel like I'm missing things. I hate being left out, and the thought of missing the first smile, first laugh, first steps, makes my heart sink already.

I'd like that my sons and daughters would grow up seeing their mother as a professional career woman. Someone putting my degree and skills to good use. They could witness first hand that hard work can pay off with a successful career... But I don't want them to think I wasn't there when they needed me.

I think I put extra pressure on myself to be a career woman because of my background. Being a black, LDS woman makes me want to work five times as hard as an average person because I feel like I want to do things people said I couldn't do.

Growing up people would assume I got into BYU because I was black... No, I was accepted because I had a 3.7 GPA, I was class president, and graduated high school a year before the rest of my class. I hate it when people assume I am where I am because of the way I look. I am where I am because I've worked my 'A' off.

Giving up what I've worked my whole life for, career wise, would be a challenge for me. It's not something I'm unwilling to do, I just think... I've gotten this far so it would be hard to stop now.

Lucky for me I have a great, very supportive husband who already does most... Ok pretty much all of the housework (I'm actually writing this while he's doing a deep clean in the kitchen). Hopefully we'll be able to find a balance that works for our family. And I pray that I will never have to raise our future children alone.

Being a mom... PERIOD is difficult. I don't have to be a mom to know that. I don't know that from experience but I can tell from the passion of my readers, and by looking at my own mom. I don't think it matters what kind of mom you are SAHM, WAHM, WM, or just MOM... If I have the opportunity to be at home with my future children I hope I will see it as a blessing...It's a blessing my mother dreamed of but has yet to have. I think being a working mom must also be very difficult, especially if you don't have a husband at home taking care of the children, or just someone to help share the duties... But after witnessing what my mother does, for ME...being a working single mom would be the most difficult job in the world.

PS: To read more of what's turned into a "SAHM Series" click here. Tomorrow I'm writing about my dream job (today)... "The WAHM"

The WAHM

I don't know many personally, but I feel like for me, this would be my ideal "mom situation"--If I could find a way to still do what I do professionally, but be at home for my children.

I'm not saying it would be easy, (let's not go down that road again) I'm sure it isn't, and I'm guessing the road to get there is going to be difficult as well. Especially being that I only have one talent... Writing. Well, if talking people's ear off is a talent then I'd say that's a trait I have too. Oh and listening... I think I'm a good listener, (but I'll let my husband be the judge).

For the past 5 or so years I've always done something relating to journalism, or writing. I've written for newspapers, local magazines, reported for several TV and radio stations, I love what I do. I've never really liked one particular area of journalism over another, I like it all. With TV, most of the time it's fast paced and exciting, but a lot of times you don't get to shape your story as much as you can with print, or even radio. All of them have deadlines... Which I love, but some are more flexible... Or longer than others.

Sometimes I love being on TV, sometimes I absolutely hate it. I love with print I can say so much more, but I love the intimacy of seeing the people in a TV story and hearing that characters voice.

The biggest plus I see with print is the fact that you can do it from home. You can call a source on the phone and get the interview you need. It's a big advantage, especially for someone who would want to work from home. If I keep doing what I do now I'd basically have to choose between working while being a mom, or putting the broadcast career on hold.

I'm no where near ready to retire from my love of broadcast news, but I'm craving more writing opportunities and the chance to work at my own pace, my own length. I have no idea how I'll do it, but I would hope that one day I could write from home, do stories for papers or magazines, and make my own schedule. Man, how that would be nice. It's not something that happens overnight, it would take a long time to build up and do what I need to do to make as much from home as I do at work full time... Not to mention the benefits I get from working for a corporation. But it's something I hope I can work toward, especially so I don't feel like I'm missing family milestones and special moments. It's a special desire I hope I can one day achieve.

Are you trying to be at home one way or another, or are you at home already? How do you do it? And how did you get there?

PS: To read more about what's turned into a "Mother Situation Series" click here.

The Party is in THIS Hizzouse

Hello! Those of you visiting my blog for the first time, thanks to 5 Minutes for Mom's Ultimate Blog party ... My name is Jenn, aka Future Mama in this thing I like to call "bloggy land." I started this blog at the end of November last year. Although the title my blog "Baby Makin(g) Machine" may immediately make you think of the Octo-Mom, I'm not even close... I actually don't have ANY kids yet (well, not human ones, I have a 15-month old sharpei mix that's giving me good practice with poop and the likes). So I like to think of myself as a "Baby Making Machine" that hasn't been switched ON yet.

I'm a married woman. I've been married 4.25 years (Boo ya!) and I'm in my early-mid 20s playing with the idea of becoming a mother. Just when I think I'm ready I get cold feet and think of a few more things to tack on to my "baby bucket list."

Lately I'm thinking I am REALLY maybe almost possibly ready to take the parenting plunge for real this time. So I'm trying to get myself physically, mentally, and emotionally committed to the cause (oh and my husband too).

I know many of you visiting are either mothers or future mothers who may have asked yourselves some of the questions I'm asking right now: What should I do now that I may not get to do later? How should I choose a doctor? What medical things should I take care of before I try to get pregnant? What career adjustments should I expect to plan or make to help with the transition into motherhood? Is SAHM a job for me? WAHM? Or should I be a Suga Mama? Will I breastfeed... Wait, what it hurts?!!? WTF is Letdown? Should I have a home birth? Get the epidural? Or try to go for an orgasmic labor? Could Crunchy become my middle name?

You've seen mom blogs, and pregnancy blogs, but this is something a little different... Focusing on that stuff, but before that all happens... A Pre-Pregnancy blog, if you may. I'm forming opinions and ideas of what I hope and THINK I'll do when I get pregnant, or when I become a mother, but it'll be fun to see what I actually end up doing.

Some call my thinking premature, but I call it smart. I know you can never be really READY to change your life forever and become a mother, but I want to get as close as possible. I'm hoping women like you can share your secrets (really, tell me everything, even the nasty stuff they don't tell you beforehand), help me think of other questions, and find the answers as you follow me on my journey toward motherhood.

Oh but watch out... I ask difficult questions and post crazy findings, I don't hold back, I'm only just beginning and I'm loving every second of it!

So look around! A good place to start would be my by visiting my "popular post" section, oh and answer my poll to the right! You can also find me on Twitter: @babymakinmachin

I also have been getting a few giveaway sponsors lately. I have two contests going on right now here and here, and I'm probably going to post my third, and biggest one so far (valued around $100) sometime next week. So stay awhile, or if you're busy visiting other blogs in this awesome blog block party (I know I am), be sure to come again!

This post was brought to you because it was inspired by:


I'm trying to win some prizes like:
1. #58 – Kitchen Aid Artisan Stand Mixer, from Moms Who Think
2. #INTL 19 — $130 Sponsor spot on Tip Junkie, from Tip Junkie
3. #37 — Omron HJ-112 Digital Premium Pedometer, from Fat Loss Chronicles
I also would LOVE any of the rest of them, especially #s: USC 24, 27 (got a friend who needs this!), 15, 2, 50, 8, 19 (love Target), 21, 22, 26, USC47, USC48, and USC49 or basically anything babyish or jewelryish! Haha, it's hard to choose!

The Crunchy Me

I joined a network called "Mormon Mommy Blogs" a few months ago, not long after I started this blog. I was browsing different categories when I noticed one called "Crunchy moms." I had no idea what that meant but I just kept going on my way.

I fell in love with a blog by my Alaskan blog friend Mommy Bee, "Musings of Mommy Bee." After reading a lot of her posts I noticed a unique trend... She uses cloth diapers, makes cloth pads, co-sleeps with her kids. I thought it was some Alaskan thing or something but it all clicked when I saw her blog in the "crunchy mom" list and asked her what it meant.

This is the explanation she left me in a comment once:

"Are you familiar with the term 'granola mom' when referring to someone who follows a more natural/hippie lifestyle? Well, granola is crunchy... I think a lot of us disliked the moniker 'granola' because, truthfully, granola isn't that good for you (I know, shocking, huh?!), so we chose our own term I guess...
Anyway, I consider myself a crunchy mama because I birth without medication, militantly breastfeed, co-sleep, babywear, cloth diaper, recycle, grow a garden, wear my hair long, almost never wear make-up, use standard medicine sparingly, don't spank, don't circumcise, do try to eat healthy/organic/traditional foods, and very possibly will homeschool at least some of my kids or some of the time.
There are a lot of versions of crunchy...but that's mine. I never take the status quo for granted, and do my own research on pretty much everything. "

I'm always so intrigued when I see a new post on her blog about "home/ unassisted birth" or "breastfeeding" or "immunizations" (or lack there of) stuff like that, cause it's all stuff I'm curious about and looking into now. So now I'm asking myself "Could I be crunchy?"

At first I thought "no way, that's not me," but now I'm thinking I want to learn more. I like the idea of crunchy because to me it seems empowering as a woman (especially when it comes to labor)... I also like the idea of saving money on some things. Mommy Bee left a comment on my blog the other day responding to another commenter saying babies are expensive. She brought up some good points I never even though about... Cloth diapers, homemade baby food, breastfeeding over formula, co-sleeping, less toys (heaven forbid!) or cribs of Craigslist.

I brought the topic up to my husband, told him some of the examples of being crunchy and he liked some of them. We're both not too keen on the idea of cloth diapers right now, but just for kicks I looked on Craigslist and found stuff like this for sale for dirt cheap! Nice stuff!

Ok, I'm not sure if buying stuff off Craigslist is considered a "crunchy" attribute, but the idea came from a crunchy mom so for now I'll say "yea." It seems like crunchyness can save some money, and I'm all about that!

Anyway, I'm also interested in things like co-sleep (although I'm afraid I'll roll over and kill my baby), breastfeeding, homemade baby food, growing a garden, figuring out what the heck stuff is organic and maybe trying to use that stuff.

I'm a big researcher myself, so I'm thinking the more I look into stuff the more I may develop some crunchy ways.

I actually like the idea of homebirth... However, not if I can't take an epidural. I know I don't like pain and that is one of the biggest things scaring me out of having a kid right now. I do like the idea of having a nice birth in a cozy bed or something... But what if something goes wrong? Oh jeez... I'm not sure how crunchy I'll really be when it comes down to it, but so far, I'm thinking some of it sounds pretty cool. Perhaps I'll be a chewy mom... Not quite crunchy, but not soggy, somewhere in the middle.

Any crunchy moms our there? Soggy moms? Chewy moms? What do you like and not like? Oh and everyone, look out for Mommy Bee, I'm sure she'll be leaving a nice informative comment! Or just check out her blog to see more of that I'm seeing.

Over the next little while I'm going to be tacking topics on crunchy, so we don't have to delve into all of them now, but if there's some others I'm leaving off the list as of now let me know.

The Pregnancy Pushers

I've had my somewhat against the grain attitude toward motherhood for years now. I'd say about two years into my marriage is when it really hit its peak. Since then I've calmed down and begun to somewhat understand WHY people want to have kids.

One summer... It was actually just for about a month, I worked at a credit union. Most of the women there talked daily about wanting to have kids. We were all married, and I seemed to be the only one who thought everyone else had lost their minds! 'We're young... Practically babies ourselves, why in the world do you want to have kids now?' I'd think... And sometimes say.

There was one guy I worked with too. His wife had just had a baby. I was excited for them, not as excited as I would be for a friend nowadays, but still excited. I would ask him a lot of questions about parenting and how he liked it an such. He would tell me how great it was and joke with me and tell me I should have a child too. Lawd, on no he didn't! I'd have to stop that talk right on the spot. I knew I wasn't about to jump on THAT bandwagon yet. Both of us being a little sarcastic and pushing each others buttons got a little on each other's nerves. But I'll never forget one thing he said to me that I thought was so crazy... so mean, and just sounded WRONG:

"I HOPE you get pregnant," he spat at me.
"Why would you say something like that?" was the only response I could muster. I didn't know if I should retaliate, be angry, or scared with the way he said it.
"It's a good thing," he said. "It's not a bad thing to wish that for you." Oh yea? Well why did you say it like you were trying to put some kind of Voodoo Witch Curse on me?

Jenna said it best:
"There's a glaring difference between offering helpful advice and smugly saying, "Oh, you just wait...bwahahahahaha!" That's just mean-spirited and makes people sound bitter about their lives."

I think a similar example could be taken in my approach to marriage. When a friend of mine is contemplating marriage, or dreaming of how great it will be, I may say it's not all fun and games but I'm not going to say "Actually marriage is really really hard, just you wait and see... Most people get divorced, hopefully you're not one of them."

Or if someone is thinking of getting a puppy, thinking it'll cure their baby fever as I did, (and a few months later I fell immune)... I'm not going to say "Dogs are hard, just you wait... Oh, and I hope he PEES ALL OVER YOU!"

Ummm... That doesn't make it sound like I love my dog.

Ok different, yes, but really... Warning calls, maybe not the best idea to make someone want to join the parenting club.

No offense to them or anything but I hope I don't sound like that when I have kids.

Also, I know it's natural to be curious on when someone's wanting to have kids, but not everyone is as open and honest as me. Everyone is different and some people just don't want everyone all up in their business... As my friend Tara says "Stay out of my uterus!"

...But not you guys, you are welcome in my uterus at anytime! Just be careful who and how you tell people to "watch out," or you may scare them out of wanting kids... Ever.

The Show That May Change My Mind

Thanks Oprah, for ruining all of the happy feelings I have had towards motherhood. Was I the only person who watched yesterday? No, I don't think so. So let's chat.

When I heard about the show topic being on motherhood I got all excited. I know it was suppose to talk about "the bad" and "the ugly", but I assumed "the good" would be somewhere in there too. Mentally going back to my college days, I brought my laptop over to the TV, to take notes... (Oh yes I did)... During the show.

Parts of the show were really funny and interesting to me, I was able to add to the list of "the things they don't tell you," (I'll post about that later--they had a whole block dedicated to that question), but overall I was kind of left with a depressing feeling about motherhood... No joke...

The only positive experience I got out of the whole thing was from women communicating with me though Twitter. Some moms on the "happy" end of the spectrum gave me their opinions. Cristina aka Native Mamma told me "if motherhood wasn't worth the hassle NOBODY would have more then 1," that seemed so true to me! Why didn't they talk about that on Oprah?

Another mom on Twitter, Monique said "Don't let them get you down. I have 4 and they're worth every single gray hair and nervous breakdown. =)" I sure hope so!
What scared me was that the women on the show weren't saying it was worth it! One or two woman went as fas as saying "What did I get myself into?" and some even said sometimes they've felt like they've made a mistake becoming a mom! It reminded me of a study I saw reported about on Momlogic, that implied "kids [could]= unhappiness."

See.. That's the scary regret I'm talking about. I've never felt that way about anything so important to me in my life... And to think that that's "NORMAL" for some... or a lot of women terrifies me! No... I've never honestly thought my marriage was a mistake, how could these women say that about their children?

It seems to me the root of the problem (which they addressed at the very end) is the fact that TV shows make motherhood look easy... And happy-looking-neighbors, make motherhood/parenting look easy. And women who compare themselves to what they see on the outside think their feelings of overwhelmingness is something only they experience, and they feel bad for feeling that way.

I think the show was meant to show women who have those feelings that they're not alone. I get it, but I think it also scared the $#%* out of some women who were maybe thinking they might like to possibly become one someday, perhaps.

I'm not trying to make women who feel that way feel bad, I mean, my heart goes out to women who feel way, but it makes me wonder if motherhood is for everyone--If it's for me.

I was still pretty ticked about it this morning and wrote a blog post on Momlogic... A letter to Oprah. It's not quite as nice and open as this one, nonetheless it's how I'm feeling right now. Oh and here's one more depressing yet "honest" article that CNN even featured on the topic.

****

Oprah, I love you but you pissed me off

It's not you, it's the women you had on your show. What was that meant to do? Scare the living bejeezes out of future moms like myself who are contemplating motherhood? Maybe that wasn't the point. I guess the point was to uplift moms.. More specifically stay at home moms right? The ones who get all down because they compare themselves to other women who they think are all happy and perfect. When are they going to wake up?... Or don't they, until they are driven to the thoughts of "What did I get myself into?" and "I think I made a mistake."

Oprah, you're not a mom, and I'm not a mom but I think we both know it's hard. We have moms don't we? And if that's not testament enough I think we get the point after reading the bizzilionth blog post about how being a SAHM is SOOOOO hard. If it sucks so bad why have more than one?

I'm not trying to down play it at all ok? I don't think you are either, and that's why you invited these women on your show. But what do you think it says to women who want children but can't have any? Women who are so excited to have a child and are always running into women who are griping about being moms. Or women like me who are kind of on the fence about the whole topic?... Did one person on that show even say it was worth it?

Things They Don't Tell You Pt2.

Thanks to The Oprah Show and you as well as a lot of my Twitter friends my list has grown so much I've made a second list of "The Things They Don't Tell You". These things aren't meant to scare me, or any other Future Mamas out there who are thinking of having kids, yet beware... They may. My commentary is in color.

Hemroids- Pregnancy can give them to ya. I wasn't exactly sure what they were but I googled it and ew.

You'll get use to feeling your boob on the side of your stomach... I'm not looking forward to loosing the perkiness :(

Little boys get woodies too-- Saw this one on Oprah... TMI if you ask me.

Lice is hard to get to go away.--I'm not sure I'll have to deal with this one cause I've never had lice and I hear black people don't get it. I hope that's the case for half-black kids too!

I'll hate my husband for knocking me up-- This one I also saw on Oprah, it's believable, but I REALLY hope we can make it an enjoyable experience for all of us.

I may not like my baby right away-- This is a sad one for me. But I guess it's good to know that may happen. But I love everyone elses baby so I can't imagine not liking my own!

A woman on Oprah said she felt like she had made a bad mistake-- Once again, possible, however I'm thinking I'll not let myself feel that way (I try to live life without regret).

Pump, or explode

You loose your choices- This is another complain from a mom on Oprah. I suppose if you go into motherhood expecting things to be easy and the same as before plus having a child on your hip you're going to have a rude awakening. I'm not afraid to make sacrifices and giving up "me time" when the time is right.

Some women say you "loose yourself"-- but I'm assuming that's a problem you run into if you don't already know yourself. I don't think it's "Loosing yourself" but gaining another part of yourself...But I'm not a mom so what do I know?

It's "Freaking’ hard work"- (no commentary needed)

Days where I would hate my kids-- If my kids are anything like some of the kids I see screaming and acting wild out at the store I guess I can believe this, however I don't like to use the work "hate."

You can be constantly constipated while pregnant?! --Waaah?

...And going with that : Milk of magnesia will help you poop (thanks for the tip)

The term "Letdown" is exactly what it says.

Labor stinks... LITERALLY... eew.

Your period is gone for your entire period but then you have it for like a MONTH after the baby is born... Boo!

You can have contractions weeks before you're really in labor... Good to know now so I don't freak out too bad if that happens to me!

And what freaked me out the most and came as the biggest surprise to me: In labor doctors have to cut that piece of skin between where the baby is coming out and your butt hole to keep it from tearing.... OUCH!

***

And I'm always excited to learn more, so let me know if I've left anything out! Anything you wish you had known before getting pregnant/ becoming a parent?

The Crying Baby

It's such a simple sound that appears to strike up a different emotions in each woman in the chapel.

An anxious look crosses the face of a new mother--She rushes to hush her baby, afraid to disturb others, or over-frustrate her child.

There's the tenured mom, who keeps smiling as she listens to the speaker--As if she hears no other sound. Has she learned to tune it out?

Just an isle in front of me there's the expectant mother, pregnant with her first child. She smiles in awe at the piercing sound--The look on her face says she's listening to a beautiful song.

There's the married woman, not yet pregnant and not yet trying who forces a smile on her face, perhaps covering up slight annoyance as she watches the anxious mother leave the room with her wailing baby. She sits, watches and smiles--Probably thinking 'I'm so glad that's not me,' or wondering how soon she'll be on that end of the spectrum, and how she'll be different.

Then there's me, somewhat indifferent, studying the room of women and their response to the crying baby. I feel like I connect with each of the women on different levels. Compassion. Respect. Envy. Understanding.

One day I'll have experienced every vantage point. Witnessed the beauty from every angle. But for today, I'm enjoying the view from my window.

No matter you're style: crunchy, chewy, soggy, cloth/disposable, boob/bottle, Current Mommy/Future Mommy, you are an amazing woman and have great worth!

Happy Mother's Day!

The Mama Drama

"So your daughter just decided to try out for cheer this year out of the blue?" The woman behind me asked my mother.

I was staring out the glass window in front of me, watching the group of middle school cheerleaders play a game as they wrapped up their practice. My sister was one of the girls in that room. She was a "new girl" having just moved to the area, and far from a veteran on the squad.

"Yep," my mother answered her casually, not giving in to her snide remarks.

"Oh, well my daughter has been cheering ever since she was seven years old," the woman continued.

"Is the competition squad down there too mom?" I asked, trying to get the subject off this woman and her daughter.

"Yes and no," my mom answered. "Some girls from each squad make up the competition team."

"My daughter made the competition squad but we told her she couldn't do it," the woman who couldn't take a hint kept going. "She's already on the competition team at her gym, plus the football squad, and with that and school it was just going to be too much."

I rolled my eyes and sent a Tweet: "Hanging out at my sister's cheerleading practice but tired of listening to all of these booshey moms. OMG!!!"

Booshey= Stuck up. I asked my mom how she could stand it, and she told me that's just how moms are. "We're competitive" she said, so matter-of-fact.

And then I began to think... This competitive attitude didn't come out of nowhere. And it didn't start when their kids hit middle school. On previous posts and topics I've touched on, such as stay at home moms, working moms, breastfeeding, labor--All topics that get a big response... All from passionate mothers.

It wasn't the sport of cheerleading that had these mothers tooting their own horns--No, it was The Sport of Motherhood... The most competitive game in the world. From crunchy moms to soggy moms... And even women who aren't moms... Everyone has something to say.

Come on now, let's be honest. I'm not even a mom yet and I can see it. I can see it starts before you even conceive a child. Everyone wants to say something about why you don't have kids... Why you should or shouldn't. How you're selfish if you wait, or selfish if you don't wait.

Then when it's time to conceive, women want to tell you why it's taking so long "don't stress" they say... Yea, right, that's easy. And then some wonder why you don't adopt after you've been trying so long... To those trying it's as if they're saying "give up already."

Then those who do adopt and don't adopt are combating eachother for their differences in opinions on the "whys" and "why nots" of their decisions.

Women who deliver their babies naturally and/or breastfeed criticize those who don't. And even if they're not guilty of that... Some are convinced their kids are or will be smarter because of it.

Women who pull their newborn from their own womb say they have a connection to their child other women miss out on... While others say they enjoyed those few minutes of peace before holding the being they'll forever have as their child.

There have been times when I've almost mistaken a post about a C-section as a story about a murder. Epidurals described as "drugging your baby." And I've read judgments going the other way saying home births are ridiculously irresponsible.

Had I believed the first blog post I read about babies sleeping alone in their cribs I may have thought it was a crime to allow it--Because of the way it was described.

Some say spankings are a bad form of discipline while others say timeout is a joke.

I've had women tell me a woman's place is at home, and no where else. Then some stay at home moms feel under appreciated and say they work harder than any other mom, while working mothers say saying at home would be a breeze. The arguments don't seem to cease on either side.

But what I don't get is the reason for pushing what you believe on others. And making people feel bad for their choices. And why get so defensive when someone doesn't have the same opinion or lifestyle as you?! WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT!

I've even had a woman comment to me, saying the pacifier and bottle pictured on the front of the book on my cartoon header "was not crunchy" and that I should probably take it down. Since when did I proclaim myself crunchy? Or a mom? And why the labels anyway?

It's easy for me to not have a bias now because I'm only facing the facts and opinions in front of me... Versus adding my own personal analytic and experienced opinion. In some ways I think it's a better place to be, because I can look at all of the options with my eyes wide open. I'll admit, I ask for advice and feedback now... Though I can't promise I'll be asking for it when I'm crossing the bridges into motherhood.

But one thing I will promise... No matter which roads I choose to take in my journey to motherhood, I vow to state my opinions as they are, but not make others feel bad for their choices. I also promise to try to remember that there are multiple sides to all stories, and I'll try to consider that in my remarks.

Maybe it's the journalist in me trying to be objective... But I'd like to believe it's a sense of compassion that we ALL hold for one another... Somewhere deep within.

I Wonder...

While I was away: Parts were written in my journal (during my blog break) on October 10th and saved for today.

Sometimes I get the I sudden have the urge and fear that makes me NOT want to reproduce. This use to happen all of the time when I was on birth control. I blamed my emotions on the hormones, but now my only excuse is natural hormones and my ever-wavering mental state.

I think it has something to do with fear of what I’ll become. Will my ambitions die with the birth of a new child? I care about my family more than anything… I know this already, but I worry I’ll lose part of myself I hear so many women say they’ve lost.

I love my job. I love my career. I love knowing that I could support my family, or myself on my own if I needed to, and that I have the drive to excel. Most of the women I lived around during my college years are stay at home moms now. I think that's great! But I wish I could see more people living in situations I see myself in, just for my examples sake.

I want to know it's ok, that it's possible, and that I can do it all. That I can have a career... A child, a family. That IS how I see myself, but that's not what I see commonly among my circle of women. ...Especially in my religion.

Sure, sometimes I dream of handing over the reigns to my husband, and letting him worry about balancing our finances, while I take care of our home and children, but I wonder if thoughts of “what ifs” would creep into my mind. I wonder if it would be all it is cracked up to be.

But at the same time I wonder if I really want to be a duel-income family. Do I want my child in daycare?

If now… I wonder if I'm I ok with penny pinching my first year or two. I want to be able to give my child the world, but I worry how I'll do that. I know there are very few things a child NEEDS its first year, but I still want to provide some of those extra things.

I wonder sometimes how I’ll be able to do it all…If it is possible. Can I keep being a successful "business woman", and good wife while also adding the tasks trying to be a good mom, and able to raise good kids. Being a mother alone is a lifetime duty full of heartache and joy. Could I fulfill both responsibilities? Is there enough time in the day? How do you do it?

I wonder if I’ll be sad if I miss things, and get jealous of women who are at home.

I guess the good thing is one choice isn't permanent, and it doesn't have to last a lifetime. Well... Except the decision to become a mother in the first place.

I wonder...

****

PS: Someone hacked into the Overall Blog awards :( So The Bump started it over and are asking for people to COMMENT about why they think the particular blog should win. If you could take a few moment to write your thoughts about my blog down on their site I'd greatly appreciate it! I know I'm up against amazing bloggers, but I feel like I have more of a chance now that it's not about the numbers. Here's the link.

Becoming Something I'm Not... Yet

Everything I thought I'd ever be... The woman I pictured myself turning into. It's all changing before my eyes.

I wanted to climb the "corporate" ladder so to speak, and be a professional woman. "Lexus before little ones" was my saying. Now, my dreams of an IS250 have been put on hold, indefinitely, until I know which way my life is going... Oh, and until I make enough money.

28 or 29... That was about how old I thought I'd be when I had my first child. Granted I thought I'd be 25 or 26 when I got married. But things changed. I met and married my husband at 18... And I'm pregnant at 23. I'll be a young mother... But family isn't the only aspect of my life that's matured quickly.

I graduated high school a year early, applied and won nearly every broadcast award I entered for in college. Won a record amount of scholarships, and landed jobs many people older than me dreamed of.

I'm not recalling this in a big-headed way, but thinking about the path that I was on. I kept encouraging myself to push on. I am so young, and have so much potential. Imagine what I could do with another 10 years--And I'd only be 33!

I didn't want to fall into the routine of so many women I knew in college. Not that it was a bad thing, but the "trap"... As I saw it then, was to get married, get hypnotized, and get pregnant. Life after that to me seemed to be all poopie diapers and dedication to another human being... Not having much time to develop one's own skills.

I see things a little differently now. Becoming a mother has been something I haven't seen as a burden, but as a gift. But I still wonder what will happen to me.

I always thought one good thing I'd have going for me is the fact that I know who I am as a person, as a woman. I am aware of my likes, dislikes, talents and personality. Motherhood won't be the only thing I've experienced. It won't define me or...Or will it?

What will happen to me once I hold my child in my arms for the first time? Who, and what will I become?

A few months ago I practically turned down an opportunity that fell in my lap because I knew I wanted to pursue a family. Now I catch myself wondering if I made the right decision.

Will I continue to pass up jobs because my dreams for motherhood come first? Knowing the answer to this question is "yes" right now makes me a little sad. I use to have my goals mapped out, and be ahead of the game. Now I feel like I'm loosing headway.

What's happening to my ambition? My drive? My urge to be a successful career woman? I feel like everyone expected so much of me... Expected me to go so far. News of my pregnancy is a shock to them. I feel like a hypocrite.

I want to do it all... But I'm not sure how possible it is at my age to get ahead in my career AND be a young mom. I don't regret my decision, I just wonder where it will take me, and who exactly I'll become.

How Do You Blog and Not Neglect Your Kids?

I pulled out my laptop today for the first time in... Oh I don't know... Three or four days. Not that it's a big deal or anything for a normal person to not blog or tweet for several days... But for me it's a bigger deal than I thought.

Sunday night I made a list of things I'd blog about that night, and the following week. I have a list of things on my mind and giveaways I need to post. In order to not get "behind" I'd need to post daily.

I felt a little anxious after the first night when I didn't meet my goal. I didn't even reach for my laptop that night to write a post. Instead I watched Big Love with my husband and started a new book (The Boleyn Inheritance).

But the more I pondered why my lack of internet time was bugging me so much, the more I realized how sorta insane it was.

Gone are the days where I'd post a paragraph or two, or a simple photo... I'd do that when I felt like that was all that was on my mind, but it was still enough for my daily journal update. ...That's what this was. My journal update. But somehow, somewhere, I got sucked into some sort of blogging, competitive phenomenon where I feel bad if I'm not posting get this... "content" often enough.

No no no... We must nip this in the bud (or nip it in the butt as I use to mistake the saying for)! I don't want my blog to turn into a stress for me. This is a fun hobby, a journal for me to relieve my inner thoughts on being a mom. This isn't a job. I already have a job, I don't need two. Plus, with a baby on the way, I'm asking myself HOW IN THE WORLD do women do it? I don't want to miss out on LIVING my life because I'm blogging about it, and sometimes I think there's a fine line, and I wonder with a new baby, if that can happen.

I don't want to start a huge debate but I hear a lot of women say how hard being a mom is... Especially hear about it from stay at home moms. I read about it a lot. And from the sounds of all of the "Mommy Needs a (insert alcoholic drink here)" blogs it can be wearing to be at home with kids all day. I can see how having a blog as a place to vent can be nice, but what I'm wondering is if it's so time consuming... How DO you have time to blog?

I ask honestly because I'm becoming a mom myself in 6 months and for the first three official months of motherhood I'll be at home. I picture my blog going dark... Offline... Out of commission, whatever you want to call it because in my head I have envisioned that my baby will be crying/screaming/pooping/eating 24/7 (partly thanks to some of the blogs I read) and having me reaching for some (insert alcoholic drink here), which would be quite interesting actually since I haven't drank a day in my life.

I know the toll blogging can take on a couple. Since getting my iPhone I have constant access to reading blogs in my reader, tweeting, replying to emails... All the while my "auto me" is responding to my husband. During our evenings together I'm required to surrender my phone to him... Or keep it in another room. I don't mind though, we need that real alone time together.

I've asked bloggers and tweeters before how they do it with children and they jokingly say "neglect" but I wonder if there's some truth to that. I mean really... These are women with big HUGE blogs and little children. I'm assuming they mean they use this technique when their child is a little older and can maybe sit in front of the TV awhile while you blog away in the other room and pray it's not the case with a screaming toddler in the background.

But really, how do moms find time to be online so much? Especially moms who do reviews and giveaways all of the time and make it their business? That's time consuming! I'm sure I'll figure out a balance in this enjoyment and motherhood eventually and that it'll take practice and experience, but it's sometimes really hard for me to squeeze the time in after work and spending time with my husband. Adding a baby into the equation makes me wonder if I'll have to set his hobby aside indefinitely.

2012

Three weeks ago I didn't understand why moms would say it's hard to go to the bathroom or take a shower in peace once you have a child. I didn't understand how nursing can be so much easier than feeding my child formula.

A year ago I had changed hundreds of other people's babies' diapers, but it wasn't until these past few weeks that I got to experience changing a diaper in the pitch black middle of the night while half asleep.
Three weeks ago I was jaded, thinking I'd be completely different from other moms I had witnessed, and "in control" of my emotions. As prepared as I thought I was, I'm learning my perception on how things would be was way off.

Three weeks ago I had never looked into the eyes of my child and had no idea what it felt like to love someone this much. I wasn't prepared for that kind of attachment. The way I love my husband is different, this is a love I can't control, it consumes me.

About a year ago I wrote about my impression of stay at home moms, and asked what it was like. "The hardest job in the world," people told me. What was so hard about it?

This week I applied my makeup and straightened my hair with one arm, while nursing my daughter in the other. I dropped everything I was working on to mend her cries. I toted her into the bathroom with me while I took a shower so she wouldn't have to cry alone in her bed, and so the sound of the water running would soothe her. I had no problem shutting babies I babysat outside the bathroom door and letting them cry for a few moments while I used the restroom, but three weeks ago I learned I couldn't bare to do that to my own child.--Fearing she'd feel like I'm abandoning her by not immediately tending to her needs.

She cries when we're in the car for too long, and it's the worst feeling in the world not being able to help her.

To me, the duties of feeding, watching, cleaning and holding my child aren't what's hard about being a mother. What makes the job more difficult than anything I've ever done is the undying love I can't tame.

Several months ago a woman told me I'd be begging to go back to work partway through my maternity leave--That work outside the home is so much easier. I know it's only been three weeks, but as of now I couldn't disagree more. My role as a mother won't end just because I'm outside of the home for 8-10 hours a day. I'll still wonder, worry, pump and love, then still attend to her needs when I get home.

A few days ago another woman told me my mind may change after I've been at home with my daughter for 6 months. Unfortunately I won't have the chance to know.

Six weeks partial pay--That's what I, and many women I know get for maternity leave. Plus an additional optional six weeks I've opted to take at the expense of forfeiting six weeks of any pay. I can't imagine going back to work in another three weeks.

Luckily, my husband will be home to watch and take care of her when I do finally go back to work full time, but right now I can't even bare to leave him alone with her--A fear I'll need to overcome soon.

I'm not going to argue whether working outside, inside, or solely as a mother at home is more or less difficult than any of the other. That's not what it's about. All I know is that for me, myself, my family and I, working inside the home would be a dream come true.

Having this new found love makes it nearly impossible to imagine leaving her daily for a job that feels insignificant compared to her. But in order to put food on the table and keep a roof over our heads it's necessary for the time being.

I knew this when we chose to move forward with expanding our family now, rather than years from now. But I'm hoping to change that in the next couple of years.

I watched The Secret, and I know when you have a goal, one part of making it a reality is telling others, and "sending it out to the universe," so I'm doing that now!

By 2012 I want to be able to still do what I do best and work from home. I'm hoping, praying and wishing for it all to work out. It'll take a lot to make it a reality but if it's meant to be it'll be, and I can't help but feel like that's what I'm suppose to do.

***

Random.org winner of maid service: #74: Natalie from Our Old Southern House. Congrats! I'll email you the code!

Motherhood With a Side of Paranoia

I took nap with my daughter the other day and when we awoke I noticed she was cross-eyed. Actually it was more like reverse-cross-eyed. One of her eyes was looking at me and the other was drifting off to the left. I immediately wondered if my sleeping with her could have caused this new development.--Caused her to go blind.

I yelled to my husband to have him come look and I held back the tears I could feel forming.

"She always looks like that," he told me.

"She always looks cross-eyed?" I didn't believe it. Anyways, I had stared at her 1000Xs more than he had. I would have noticed.

"She's just tired, she just woke up," he tried to console me, and hide a chuckle.

"What if she's going blind?" My paranoia wouldn't let down.

He snapped his fingers in his direction and she looked over at him. I was satisfied but only later thought of the fact that she could have been reacting to the sound of him snapping and not his fingers moving.

I fed her, and kept watching her eyes and noticed when she was looking normal again. Then I realized this is going to be a long hard journey.

I'm a hypochondriac. I've pretty much always self-diagnoised myself with all sorts of sicknesses and diseases. I claim I have mono when I'm actually just sleepy. I'm convinced I have a heart disease because I watched a special about Marfans on the Health Channel and so many of the symptoms explain my issues. I thought I had cancer when I discovered a lump in my breast (I actually did have to have it surgically removed. Luckily it was benign, but you can imagine my fear when they said it wasn't a cyst).

Now, unfortunately my delusions have carried over with my child. I can't read anything about babies and illness without worrying about Lil' J.

I pray every night that she'll be alive when I wake up and often jump up startled in the middle of the night when I realize I haven't heard her stir in awhile. I googled "green poop" when I saw a diaper full of it this morning. I hate that I'm acting this way but truthfully, I've done this with my dog--So it's only expected that with my own child it's magnified by a thousand.

Some friends told me about baby motion monitors and I'm thinking of getting one. This may put me in the category of "cuckoo" but I think it'll also give me a little piece of mind, and maybe help me sleep a little better.

I've heard a lot of good things about the Angel Care monitor but I'm thinking of getting a Snuza since it's more easily portable and has a vibration that will ring on baby if se doesn't breath or move for 15 seconds. The alarm sounds 5 seconds later if still nothing.

It's not about vanity, it's about my sanity. I'm not sure if I'll ever be sane again--Now that I'm a mom, but at least I can admit I need help.

CNS Stores sells bedroom vanity items, and nursery amenities including a few motion baby monitors and I'm hoping to buy one soon!- Sponsored.