The Quest

Life is a quest. A never-ending journey to learn priorities and find happiness. This whole blog has been my quest toward motherhood... What also sometimes seems like a never-ending journey. Just when I think I've got a timeline down a wrench is thrown in the plans. I didn't think it would come to this but I'm about to throw my dear husband under the bus.

Yes, I've been one to go back and forth with my own desires for when I want to have kids but he's for the most part been consistent... With a consistent "no" that is. "Not now." "Not yet." When we first got married we said 5 years would be our goal, we're on our fifth year now and it's still not feeling like a reality. Ok.. so we have until December to make up our minds but really... Is a few months going to make THAT much of a difference?!

Nothing makes me more jealous than being at church and seeing all of the happy families. I really didn't know I was capable of such mixed emotions. Nothing makes my mood swing faster than seeing young families at church. They use to just be normal to me, almost seem annoyingly perfect sometimes, but now I just get insanely jealous. Not because they seem "happy" because I think we're as happy as any normal couple-- we have our good days and our bad days--But because the husbands seem so happy, so proud to be a husband, a dad, and seeing them look at their children with those adoring eyes makes me want to cry, and punch my husband. Ok, not really... But kind of. I also get so jealous when my friends tell me how their husbands are begging them for babies... Oh how I would trade them in a second!

I can't help but think "Why can't you be more like that?" I know it's so wrong to ask, and I'd never ask him like that, but I wonder. It makes me think I'm not doing something right, but I don't know what else to do. I am working, enjoying my job, am done with school (for now) I feel ready to grow our family, and it's hard for me to understand why he's not.

We both have our lists of things we'd like to do before we have kids, but his is a little more ambiguous. It's always evolving and changing, and growing. Just when I think we've got a goal of a timeline in place we somehow end right back at square one... As if we'd never talked about having kids before. Trying to pin down a timeline is like trying to hit a moving target... And every so often I just feel like saying "forget it!" and then going and getting my tubes tied out of spite.

Maybe it's because I'm not giving him a chance to achieve his goals... Maybe I'm just being selfish.

I know the thought of being a parent is scary to him... Who is it not scary for? I just don't know what to do to ease him into the idea more. I've tried encouraging, hinting, showing him cute baby pictures, asking him to pray about it, begging and even backing off completely.

I understand nothing in life comes easy, and it takes two to tango, but damn, this is pissing me off!